You'd think that after living with someone for eight years, you'd be one big happy family, right? Wrong. My family is far from happy. He destroyed my life, he said I was a daughter to him, then he went ahead and ruined my life, he did something so horrible, that it would never be the same. Never.

January 1st, 2006. Life was great, I was happy; everything was great. Little did I know, ten days later everything would change. It wouldn't be good, and it'd be hard to get over…you never really get over something like that. If you're wondering what 'that' is, I'll get to that in a bit.

January 11th was a special day…it was supposed to be a happy day. I stayed home from school that day because I wanted to make a birthday card for my Nanny's birthday; she was going to come over for a little party. I called….no answer, waited about half an hour and called again…after calling about ten more times, I was worried; she always answered her phone. It was her birthday; she wasn't supposed to be at work. I knew something was wrong, and I worried all day about her. My Nanny was like my mother, actually, she was more my mother than my actual mother was. So of course I was worried. My Nanny is a great woman, she's kind, loving, and she taught me everything...we went everywhere together. I always wanted to be just like her. When someone tells me that my Nanny would be proud of me, they don't know how happy that makes me. No matter what I'm doing, she's on my mind. I'm emotional, I cry when I'm yelled at, talking about her makes me cry, and writing this is killing me, you can't even imagine the pain I'm going through. I have to re-live everything, but apparently talking about it helps, and I think people should know what an asshole my step-father is. We all know that the death of a loved one is hard to deal with, but I've had to deal with that and more. My Nanny's step-sister was her neighbor, and after work, she decided to go say "Happy Birthday" to her step-sister, Mary Lou. Dolores had a key to Mary Lou's house, so she unlocked the door, and went in. The house was quiet…too quiet and Dolores wasn't happily greeted by Mary Lou, or her poodle; Tiny. You know there's something wrong when Tiny isn't jumping on you as soon as you walk in the door. So, my Auntie Dee (that's what I call Dolores) went to look for my Nanny…she took a few steps, towards the living room, and saw a bloody handprint. Frightened, Dolores kept looking for her step-sister, hoping that she was okay. She found her in the bathroom…on the floor, and as she feared, she wasn't okay. In fact, she was dead; murdered in her home. Dolores instantly called everyone to tell them the tragic news.

When my mom heard the phone ring, she thought it was my Nanny, finally calling us back, but to her disappointment it wasn't. I saw the change in her face, she was traumatized. After a few seconds, my mom left the room, so I continued making my Nanny's card. When mom came back in the room about ten minutes later, she told me that she had to go somewhere, and that George would be there in a bit. George was my step-father, though him and my mom weren't married, they had lived together for eight years, and had a son together. He was three at the time. After George and I sat at home doing nothing for a few hours, we got a phone call. I didn't know what was said on the phone, all I knew was that we were going somewhere. I knew my way around, and once we left our town I knew exactly where we were going; to my Nanny's. I was so excited, I was finally able to see her and give her her card! We didn't go there though; we went to my Uncle Jamie's house, which was on the other side of town. I could have easily walked to my Nanny's house, but no one would let me. Why not? Why can't I see her, it's her birthday! I was confused, and no one would answer my questions. It's not a very nice feeling, when everyone ignores you, and doesn't tell you what's going on. Waiting…waiting….waiting…I'm an impatient person. I waited for a long time before the cops/investigators (wait, what are cops doing here? By this point, I was worried) came and spoke to my Uncle. After the cops left, my Uncle told me and my four cousins to sit down in the living room. Once we were all seated, Jamie told us that someone broke into our grandmother's house, and killed her. He didn't go into detail, because we were all under 12, but still, we were devastated. What kind of person goes into an old lady's house, and kills her? What's the point? Why do people kill? I didn't even know who did it, but I hated him/her! Whoever it was, deserved to burn in hell! I didn't care who it was. No one can just kill the most important person in my life, and not be punished for it. When I was first told that she was dead, I thought, "This is a joke. A really mean joke…it has to be a joke…she can't be dead…can she?" At that moment I realized that she actually was dead, she was gone, forever.

My Nanny and I were really close, we went everywhere together, and I even slept at her house more than I slept at my own. I loved her, with all of my heart, and I still do. Yet, there's this emptiness inside me that just won't go, no matter what. With her gone, it's like a part of me is gone with her. When I was little, my Nanny took me everywhere she went, and she introduced me to all of her friends. I guess you could say that I was a spoiled kid, but hey, I was an only child. I was nine or ten when Charlie was born… he was even evil as a toddler. I swear that kid is a devil child. He's evil! If you think your little brother/sister is bad, try spending an hour with Charlie. He's so bad that his classmates at school don't invite him to their parties. The whole class goes, except for Charlie. I was talking to someone that has a little sister in Charlie's class, and she says that Charlie is mean and he fights with everyone. He's the creepiest eight year-old I've ever seen, I mean, if looks could kill, he would have already killed us all.

I have a crazy life; my mom gets mad at me for everything. I don't even have to do anything, and she's screaming at me. I don't get it. I wish I had a normal life… I wish my nanny was still here to save me from this mess. I just want out of here; I want to be left alone. I have friends, I have a boyfriend, but it's not enough, I still feel empty. I still have that empty space that will never be filled. I'm lonely. I can't do anything about it, I want to cry all the time, even though I seem happy. I'm not okay, not at all. I feel horrible all the time, I can't get over it, I never will. I miss being able to do things without caring what everyone else thought about me, I miss being afraid of someone leaving me. I don't want to lose anyone else. All I want to be is happy, I'm not asking for much, but right now it seems impossible. I love my boyfriend, Steven, with all my heart, but no matter how much I love him, I'll still feel distant from him. I can't get too attached; people leave.

In grade 10 I was dating a boy, Bentley, he was amazing, my first love, and he broke my heart. It was just a normal day at school, he even told me he loved me that day, but when I got home and went on facebook, he wrote me a message saying that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I was crushed, I cried so hard I almost threw up. I cried for weeks; I couldn't stop. My heart had been ripped out and stomped on. After the breakup, I decided that I didn't want to date anyone else during high school. That obviously didn't work though, Steven ended up liking me, talking to me, and trying to get me to like him. It took him about 6 months to finally get me to like him a bit, so I decided to give him a chance (thank god I did). Steven is the most considerate boy I have ever met, he's so sweet, and it's incredible. He's amazing, even if he doesn't think so. Steven is slowly fixing my heart, but I think it's broken beyond repair. Between losing my Nanny and getting my heart broken, Steven has a lot to fix, but he's doing well. I'm happy with him, and I don't regret giving him a chance. We've been dating since August 1st 2010.

I blame my mom. She may not know this, but I do. I hate her. She stayed with that bastard even when he was getting drunk and high every night, even though she KNEW that he was dangerous! Why would she put her children into danger? Who in their right mind would stay with someone like that? What the fuck was she thinking? I hope she feels sorry, I hope she knows that it's her fault her mother is dead. If she wouldn't have stayed with him, no one would have gotten hurt, and my life would be normal. I wouldn't cry over every little thing. My mom wants to know why I'm always mad at her and Charlie, but I can't tell her that I blame them. They're the only reason George stayed, they're the reason he killed my Nanny. They ruined my life, and they're STILL ruining it. I have to live with them constantly fighting and bugging me, they're driving me insane. I can't take it anymore. I can't wait to get out of here. I just have to make it through grade 12, and then I can go to college, and never come back to this hell hole. Sure, she's my mom, but she's done so many things to piss me off, that I just don't care what she thinks anymore. I don't feel sorry for leaving her; she probably doesn't feel sorry for making me live with a murderer, so why should I feel sorry? I don't mean to sound like a cold heartless bitch, but it's just how I feel about her. My life would be so much better if I lived with someone else. I don't care who, I'd be happier anywhere but here.