we're walking next to each other
like it wasn't just last night
(the other week) when i
found out my uncle died.

you
said it was awkward & i
don't know what part you
meant - there are lots -

how about when i wanted to cry
every time i saw my cousins' red faces
at the wake (i asked justin how
he was doing, he said good &
i wanted to shake his shoulders
because i knew we were both
lying,

or how about when i wasn't
able to give jake my number to
let him know that i'd always be there
since second cousins aren't immediate family).

or knowing that you were
there with me, sitting on the hood
of my mom's car when my dad
came outside into the mosquito-full black-white night
filled our lungs with secondhand smoke &
told me the badnews.

when i think about it
there's still a hole in my stomach
& beer in the house. maybe

i should(n't) -