Like Dirt

Walking, no…strutting, because it feels great to be wanted. Because I know someone thinks I am amazing the way I am. Head high. Shoulders back. Heels going clack, clack, clack.

Looking for someone, scanning the crowd nonchalantly, like I'm not feeling lightheaded. Like my heart isn't pounding in anticipation to see you. You made me look at the world differently. You were an addiction that I didn't want to lose. You saw something no one else did.

But it wasn't enough.

No, I thought you were amazing the way no one could possibly be.

I should've known your habit of proving me wrong would not be easily broken.

I should've known my heart was once again right.

I should've known reality would resurface just when I was tender with the baste of compliments and sentimental words.

I look for you, you'd said you'd be here. There you are. But who is she? The cold from months ago comes back, and whispers the answer bitterly in my ear. She is someone else. Summoned to hurt me from the inside out.

Sweltering Texas heat competes violently with my rapidly decreasing body temperature, but it is not enough, just as your pretty words and smiling eyes were not enough. A racket inside begins. Rapping a hammer on the walls of my mind. Angry voices arguing for me.

She laughs at your muted words from where you sit, suddenly far away. And I let the bustling army of college students carry me away from you without a fight, because the fight left my body when I saw you smile at her with the smile you gave me so many times.

But now, you are in a different place with this new lie. I know the game now, and I built the hard barriers again, so that every time you look at me, you do not know I am feeling like the dirt you walk on to see her after class. Instead you see me, proud and strong enough to strike you down with a single glance. I laugh at your attempts to gain the upper hand when you involve yourself in my discussions. When you smirk at me like we are old friends. I make a mask that looks like mild distaste whenever you're around. So you know, even though you grin, that you are unwelcome. As unwelcome as any

Liar

Traitor

Or murderer.

And now, you feel like dirt.