a/n: oops. not poetry, more of a jumbled rant.
TRIGGER. THERE IS NO 'MAYBE' ABOUT IT; DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE FIGHTING ANY EATING DISORDERS, PLEASE. i don't want to be responsible for anyone else's shit but my own.
p.s. for those of you who think eating disorders are about attention or that only shallow bitches get them, go the fuck away. you don't know what you're talking about. sorry i'm being so offensive but i've dealt with enough of you and i'm sick of the judge and jury and today is really not the day.
she's ordering me to go eat something and telling me she made chicken and it's organic and healthy so no worries, no worries.
and i'm rolling my eyes and smiling and promising i'll-go-eat-some-soon-i'm-just-not-hungry-yet. and she's getting annoyed but i'm trying oh-so fucking hard to distract her, to cast her off my trail so she'll stopstopstop trying to make me shovel that shit in my mouth.
(yeah, i know it's the disorder in me talking now but i don't care, i don'tcaredon'tcare anymore)
ange is eating ice cream and it's so tempting to stand and slip into the kitchen and get myself a dish of calories but the beastiebeastie in me screams nonono you fat fucking whore!
because today, today i'm fasting and it's threefiftyfuckingthree in the afternoon and i'm still free and empty and e m p t y is what i want.
trust me, baby, i know how messed up i am for this but i just can't bring myself to eat today because the hunger makes pretty little stars inside of me, brightwhitelight where everything else is uglyblackdirtyshameful.
been so long since i've done this, they thought they slayed the dragon with their pills and wisdom and all that jazz but they were wrong. it was sleeping and now it's back and it's in control. i'm not stupid i knowknowknow that, i can feel it taking over but i don't care. i'm tired of being in charge and making all the rules and fighting so i'm going to give the hell up.
(she says it makes me weak because fighting is what's strong
but i say she's wrong.)