July 25, 2011
To lose yourself is the most disturbing experience of them all. As you feel your conscious mind fade into the subconscious, overridden by a new self that you do not recognize. Overcome with a fear that you do not understand-with a weakness that leaves tingling in your hands. And yet all this time everything is in shades of grey, for your mind has already begun to fade.
Yet you still have your soul...Yet that soul, your heart no longer possesses the ability to control. You fear for redemption to slip from your grasp...fear for the truth to be found at last only to find that you have gone agaisnt its wills and the wills of the almighty.
Then there is the question, or, rather, the denial. For everything should be alright, and as you smile and those people around they see no pain in your eyes, even though you beleive fully that they are losing their shine. Thus when you seek for help they only continue on with their lives, and walk by. They do not realize how your heart yearns for them as you reach, do not notice you falling off the ledge as their hands move unnoticed from your grasp. They see not the avalanche that takes you with it. And, oblivious, move forward.
But the blame is not theirs, they only carry on in their lives-in their world. They do not know what is not of it, they know not the place where you are being brought and sense not its presence. Thus they are innocent.
Yet without help you continue your fade, and your mind grows blurrier and blurrier as it seeks a repose from something that you cannot understand. All you know is that dreams and reality are begginning to blur, and that your sight no longer carries you through as it once did. Your consciousness is losing itself, and your body and mind are no longer in your control.
And you are afraid...ever so afraid. Afraid of where you are for it is a place far from where you began and know you should be, but more afraid, oh so much more afraid, of where you will be when it all ends-when it all ends the you that was once you is no longer in command.