i must exercise my self-control to
its fullest extent. for if i don't i'll
explode into brittle bits & pretty
pieces of raw tears & oh-so-crass
screeches echoing through light

(there is a madman waiting within me-)

i cannot make up my mind so i
simply (e)raze my hopes & ideas &
dreams despairing over the clouds
i bit my tongue & break my pencils
liquidized ashes washing over me
while i test the walls with my unending
poundings across the blood-red bricks

(-within a box to contain him, contain ME)

oh, now you see it, don't you?
i'm on my way to self-destruction.
as usual, as expected, it IS you
whose corpulent lies failed your
ascendancy over me. you, whose
grandiose derisions tantamount to
a big fat defamation, only there so
you can slander my self-esteem.

(everything i have he uses to break away)

but i digress since what i must address
is that i bear it all within me, say, it's
my irresolute mind, my ambivalent soul
& my disparaged body. just so that i
don't abase myself any further, see.

(at the verge exploding, i open my eyes-)

this decorous, egregious play with our
tongue-lashing, mind-clashing rebuttals
& quandaries daunting to the surrounding
crowd watching us, delineated with evident
apathy. they cannot advocate anything,
no. they simply acquiesce to whatever is
convenient for them. oh, they are raining
on our parade, if you will forgive me saying.

(i cannot contain myself - how do i attempt to control HIM?)

thus, i will stand and inhale slowly, imploringly
so i can accomodate my effrontery words in this
worthless doggerel, dissipating my fantasies
into fences of my inclinations to be, finally BE
revered & placid, potent & rampant, radiant &
poignant. oh, i want the elusive act of treachery
aiding me without anyone closing in on me. no
confidantes, no one to trust, i want to be alone
and all alone - just so i can
exercise this glaringly maddening self-control of mine.

(why can't i just let you/him/me go?)

: Not sure where I was headed with this, wrote it during the time between physics and geography exams, the blurriness and odd, nonsensical word-choice might have to do with it. Still, not abysmal, right? Do tell me if it is.