it is truly dreadful when you know you want something but can't have it. the feeling of having what you want right where you can reach but never actually in your grasp is all-consuming and exhausting. not to mention the onerous disappointment that cradles you within its cold cold arms and sucks your breath out of you in small sobs and little gasps. it smothers you, this bitter disappointment, so you can't breathe. so at night you lay still and wonder what you did wrong when you hesitated where you mistook something for another. you wreck your mind pondering on the smallest actions because what else, if you weren't the one at fault, what else could go wrong to separate you from that you want but cannot have? to put barriers between you and your desire, to halt and hinder you so as to deny you what you crave...
is it so wrong to want something? to need something?
to want someone, to need someone, to crave someone?
even if that someone doesn't want you back anymore?
unrequited love is a bitch, especially when you know it can never be returned because you destroyed the chances of that when it was the other way around. when you know and rue the days you embarrassed yourself enough to make sure you didn't hurt yourself and gave no damn to how you hurt that person.
i should know, for i've been through that. now i'm happy, now i'm satisfied, ever since i got to be with the love of my life. but now we have other problems: we'll be on different continents for the next five years and there's no changing that. an ocean in between, hours of flight that we can't afford more than two times a year. will these impasses never cease? i know long-distance doesn't work, i've had experience with that either, and i don't see how i can go through this again - how i can force someone to keep faithful to me in mind.
in flesh, it is of no consequence: as long as their heart is with you, why should it matter? the pleasures of physical contact don't interest me should he not stay faithful to me, but the mind and the heart are of a whole different matter. i could never bear it if he loved someone else in my stead. how could i when i call him my love of loves, the one i've loved the most, the one i would gladly spend the rest of my life with? how could i when he's the sun, the moon, the stars, everything to me? i couldn't possibly. it is selfish, unbelievably selfish of me, to wish him no comfort from anyone but myself. yet i can't desist. how shameful, how embarrassing, how disgusting of me.
so i wonder, what if this turns into one of my many unrequited loves? what if i have to watch as he loves and cares for someone else, someone better wiser prettier funnier than me? could i bear to stay as friends and wish him all the best? could i ever be that selfless?
no. no i couldn't be. because i wish to own him as he does me, i wish to be part of him as he does me. i wish to be the one he reaches to in everyway and everytime should he want or need to. if this is not love, what is it? mere passion and lust wrapped in a package? if that is so, what happens to my dreams, my ideals, my wishes?
they shall crumble and i will be left to pick up the scattered pieces. how predictable, how agonizing, how pathetic it will turn out to be then.
well, life is life, love is love, and the pleasure the privilege is mine.