I guess I saw this coming, but It still doesn't stop the way my hands shake, and my tears fall, and my heart ache. A girl I have come to love so much, come to accept as a part of me… to see how deeply she is hurt and know I can't do anything about it is a nightmare created for me. I'm almost in so much agony tears linger on the edge, past the point of crying. I don't know, I just have to say these things so please listen, and listen guilt free because it's not your fault that I love you.
I had always loved easily. As a child anyone who showed kindness to me was in my good books, and I would willingly become friends. I was very attached to those who did befriend me, and I accepted new ones with an open heart. I had always been emotional as well. Even as a child I thought more, about silly things like how traffic lights worked (believing little fairies lived in them), and why people had different personalities, and why I was the way I was. Coming along with being emotional and attached to those I loved, I would always come home in tears whenever a friend would insult me, or we would get in a fight. But I still liked to think of myself as strong. I never cried when I fell down and scraped myself like all the other kids did, I never whined about one of the many constant, and painful, stomach aches I got, and when someone hit me in the head with a dodgeball in gym, it hurt more emotionally then physically.
Then as I grew, I saw more. I started to see the hate in people, and I was so shocked. I didn't know why people could hate others, sometimes me, for no reason. But still, for the most part, I was happy. Then, over a year or so, I changed. I don't know how or why, but I became a completely different person. I used to want to be popular, I used to think someone insulting me was a terrible pain, I used to see more than most, but I was still blind. But the new person I became, I became more harsh to others sometimes, not those I loved, but I was more of a tough girl; never truly bullying anyone, I just wasn't afraid to insult those who insulted me back; something I could never do before. I didn't want to be popular, I didn't want to be classified as one of those superficial people. But I still was emotional, my loved ones were still the most precious thing to me, and I still thought I was strong; not caring much about physical pain.
Then, after three of my best friends moving away, my friends became even more precious to me, something I thought wasn't even possible. My friends became a whole new part of me, a sister, someone that meant more than life itself, and someone I couldn't live without. I never fought with friends, it was like fighting with myself and I hated it. Whenever anyone talked bad about any of my friends, I would kill that person with harsh words, they had no right to talk lies about someone so amazing.
Then, very recently, I had my heart broken by someone I knew and trusted my whole life; someone who had become like a brother to me. (If you want to see this story, then tell me for it is written out, waiting to be published). It tore me apart. One of those people I loved so much, had betrayed me. He told me he loved me, led me on, then turned around and stabbed me, pushing me away and laughing as I bleed on the cold ground. This cracked my soul. I was even more fragile then before, but not at the same time. My friends, again, became even more of me, and I realized it this time. For a while, I held back my story, not wanting to cause them worry for me, only telling a few. But I always longed to tell them, so I did. I wrote it all out and showed them, so they knew. I wasn't afraid about them judging me for it, I knew they would still love me. But anyone else, anyone, I shut them out. I couldn't trust after one I trusted my whole life hurt me.
Through all this, one of my friends had been deeply hurting on the inside. And throughout all of this, she had been letting hints slip through. Then this girl became something I had to protect, something I loved with all my heart and soul as all my others. After learning to trust me, she told me of her pain, her past. And every moment I breathed became a moment that I had to keep her breathing. It killed me to know she was hurting and I was determined to do something about it. I tried and tried, and held her through her tears, lashed out on anyone who hurt her, and refused to let go of her hand. Then, I finally healed her, or so I thought. But that happiness didn't last. Soon the old shadows consumed her again, and this time, there was nothing I could do about it but hopelessly try to fight them.
After this, I kept thinking, was she the only one in pain? I learned the pain from come of my other friends. There's didn't go nearly as deep as hers, like mine, but I still hated it and I tried to hold them in my arms. I ran around trying to pick up my angels' broken pieces while I was falling apart myself but I didn't care. All that mattered was that they were okay, whenever my tears fell over my own pain, they just seemed like a nuisance.
This is what broke me I think. My own pain wasn't enough to, but the pain of those I loved more than life itself was. I have always been emotional, my friends have always been the most precious thing to me, and when something breaks a piece off of them, it breaks off of me too. Emma, your soul breaking, shattering, took half of my soul too. DO NOT feel guilty when you read this. Because It's not your fault those evil people hurt you, it's not your fault you're human and feel pain, it's not your fault I love you. And there's nothing you can, or could do, to change the fact that I do, or change me.
And now, after reading your whole story, the whole truth, the million secrets spilled, I type this. If this is your way of telling us, then I'll speak back this way too. I know I can't chase away the shadows, even if I want to more than anything. You called me, us, your guardian angels. I was so surprised, I didn't know how someone as twisted and breaking as me could be called such a thing. Even though I know I can't erase your scars, I'm still determined to be your guardian angel. And now you are trying to help our pain, you're a guardian angel even if your don't realize it. You have always been there for me, and I have always been there for you and will always be, even after you leave.
I'm not absolutely sure what the point of this writing was; maybe to tell you, maybe to try and help you in another desperate, and utterly hopeless, way, maybe because I just couldn't hold it in. I don't know what I want any of my loved ones who are reading this to take away from it, maybe that I love you. To all of my sisters: I will always be there to hold you, and I will always be there to listen, so don't be afraid to tell me. And even if I have scars, and gain new ones, I'll be okay, because through anything, I have you and that's enough to keep me breathing.
I love you, even when you're broken I will never leave your side or love you less.