Here I am. You can feel free to skip all the italics at the beginning and start at the single line of bold type. The italics are just random author's notes that I need to get in before the story. If you don't want to read it, it's not vital to the understanding of this story.
First of all, this is my first story for FictionPress. Don't get me wrong, this is not my first story. (Forty-seven FanFics, in addition to one original story that is complete and another one that is about 75% done.) I guess what I'm getting at is that, just because this is my first story, that doesn't mean I haven't had any practice. My writing has improved over the course of four years (still far from perfect, but a hell of a lot closer than it was...). Sooooo... yes.
A bit of information on the inspiration for this story, the point of view, etc.
Idea/inspiration: a dream in which I'm not one hundred percent sure who I was. Kasey has taken the role of that first person dream character I don't completely remember.
Point of View: Kasey (McAllister). Train of Thought, meaning occasionally (or often) what Kasey is thinking and what he's saying are two entirely different things. In addition, the flow of the story can be a bit... distracted, because it's intended to read like someone's thoughts. So this results in the narration being slightly, I don't know, confusing, maybe. Kasey occasionally rambles and gets off topic. Like the thoughts of real people. Rarely one hundred percent focused on the task at hand. It also gives me a bit of room for error, since people aren't perfect. :) All of this is why I prefer this point of view.
Hokshi: Okay, Hokshi is the culture I created for Kasey. Hokshi can refer to the group as a whole, an individual, or the language. I'd like to address the language. There isn't a lot (at least, I don't feel like there is... I'd like there to be a lot more), but there's enough that I hope it doesn't confuse you. Hokshi is not a real language. I am making it up as I go (ummm... my major is Latin, I'm also taking Spanish, and my current goals in life are to learn Gaelic and Thai, if that sheds any light on why there is an imaginary language in the story...)
As I said, this story is rated M for language alone (I wouldn't rate it M if not for the guidelines...). However, I have yet to determine if it might need the M for other reasons. If I do decide to include that, I will make sure you know ahead of time that such a scene is coming for those of you who do not like guy/guy scenes. For those of you who do like guy/guy scenes... apologies if there aren't any, and apologies for my lack of experience writing them if there are.
I placed it in the romance category because that's what I felt was most appropriate. However... category could change. There will not be a lot of fluff. I hate fluff. If fluff is what you're looking for, I suggest clicking the back button, because you're reading the wrong story.
Lastly, I will be answering reviews (assuming I'm lucky enough to get some...) at the end of the next chapter. If you want a private response, send a private message as opposed to a regular review.
I do believe that is all. Eventually you will be introduced to Kiyoshi, my muse and the one writing the story (hence the reason I am often surprised by what is happening...), but that's an author's note for another day. Sorry to have wasted so much time, if you even bothered to read this. Have fun reading, and I hope it's worth your time.
Kiyoshi'sGirl64 and Kiyoshi
Rule #3: Never Begin a Relationship With a Human.
I push Taylor away from me. If I let him get any closer, I likely won't be able to control myself. I can already sense his pulse, strong at his throat and in his wrists. I can still taste him on my lips and tongue.
He sighs and climbs out of his bed. He pulls on his jeans. He doesn't put his shirt back on, although he might be safer if he did. I imitate his actions, although I add my t-shirt and then I apologize, "Sorry."
Taylor shakes his head, turning to look at me. "I just don't understand. You made the first moves. It's not like it was anything serious. Just a nice hard fuck and then go our separate ways."
I sigh. "Where I grew up… things don't work that way."
Taylor stares at me. "Damn it, Kasey. You aren't where you grew up, wherever the hell that is. Nobody needs to know who you fuck, or when, or where, or why. And frankly, it's none of their business if it's another guy."
If only Taylor's gender was the only problem. I shake my head. "No one would care if I slept with a man, Taylor. It's just… it's complicated. If I slept with you, there'd be far more repercussions than you think." Most of them unpleasant. Particularly for him.
Taylor raises his eyebrows. "Who said anything about sleeping?"
Dear gods, I need to get out of here or I'm going to do something really stupid that I'll regret in about three seconds. "I think I should go." Taylor is staring at me, but his dark eyes are fixed not on my face but on the space just below my belt. I walk past him toward the door and his eyes follow me.
"Damn, Kasey," he says again. "You can't let me get that close and then tell me I can't have you. And you especially can't put on jeans that tight afterwards and expect me not to do anything."
He crosses the room after me and slams me up against the door, kissing my face and then bending his neck down he begins to suck my neck, just above the pulse point.
And I can feel two things happening to my body, neither of which I have much control over. The first is definitely what Taylor is going for, as I feel myself getting harder in the pants he just complained about. And that's all I consciously want, a good hard fuck with the man I'm in love with, even if he doesn't return the feelings. Maybe if the sex is good enough, it won't be just once.
Problem is the other thing I can't control. My mouth is already watering, and I'm not stupid enough to think I could control myself if Taylor were to get that close. Because I would be the one sucking on his pulse. Difference is, his blood would be pouring into my mouth and down my throat.
And once he passed out from blood loss, nothing would be able to stop me from strangling him and picking his flesh off the bones piece by piece.
So I reluctantly pry his fingers off of me and push him away for the second time in less than ten minutes. Why can't I have the sex without the feeding on human flesh?
As I turn and open the door to the main room of the dorm, the space that Taylor and I share with two others, Taylor threatens, "I may not have any particular attachment to you, Kasey, but you're hot. Eventually I will have you in my bed. No one's told me no before, and I like a challenge. You'll give in if I keep at it long enough."
Probably. But I can't think like that. I'm too attached as it is. Rule number one: humans are food, nothing more. Rule number two: if you grow attached to a human, eat it.
But I can't. I'm not just attached to Taylor. I'm in love with him. And it's not just the creepy watch-from-a-distance, stalkerish kind of love. At the beginning of this semester… I'm not sure if it was luck or a curse, but he was one of the people they put me in a suite with.
We don't really travel in the same groups. Scratch that, he's not really my friend because I don't really have friends. But at some point, I fell for him. And it didn't help that he was openly gay, or that we live together, albeit with two other guys.
But this weekend the other two are both out of town, leaving the dorm to me and Taylor.
Which I obviously can't let happen again.
"No," I say in response to his promise. "I may be willing to compromise on most things, but this isn't one of them. If you want to fuck someone, that's fine. That's your business. But it won't be me." I don't like the idea of him with someone else. But he's a hell of a lot safer with another human than he is with me.
I walk through the living area that's shared by all four of us and go into the room I share with Brett. Brett and Rowan… I think they know I'm attracted to Taylor. They found out we were gay and debated for a long time about playing musical chairs so that they shared a room and we shared a room. Neither of them was particularly thrilled about having a gay roommate. But they decided that was better than, as Rowan put it, "listening to two guys do the nasty through paper-thin walls."
Now I'm really thankful for that decision.
The next day…
Taylor sits down with me at lunch, something he's never done before. He has friends he eats with. I eat alone. "Kasey," he asks. "Did something I said last night bother you?"
Like he cares. "What do you think, Taylor?"
He shrugs and begins eating his macaroni. "Just… ever since I said all I wanted was sex, you've been acting weird. Weirder than normal I mean. And when I said I don't particularly come for you, you know I just meant I don't want a relationship. You are my friend, Kasey."
"I know, Taylor. And I would give anything if I could fuck with you, just once." Okay, maybe not anything. I wouldn't die for it. I wouldn't give up my family for it. I wouldn't give up my Light for it. But he gets the picture. "And I know it'd be good. But I can't." And I refuse to risk his life for it.
He gives me a lopsided grin. "If you know it'd be so great—I agree, by the way—what's the problem?"
I don't reply for several minutes. "Taylor… sometimes there are things someone cannot do, no matter how much they want to."
He makes a face. "What reason does a nineteen year old have for skipping out on great sex where there are no strings attached?"
"There are strings attached, Taylor, even if you can't see them," I inform him. "Physical repercussions for both of us. Moral and emotional strings for me." I pick at my hamburger. They always cook the meat all the way through here. Healthier, I suppose, but far less appetizing.
"Emotional?" he asks. "Meaning you want a relationship?"
Yes. Well, no. That's not the emotional problem that would follow. I would kill him. Which would break my heart. So I lie. "Yes." The fact that rule three is 'never begin a relationship with a human…' Well, so what if that's what I want, so long as I don't let it happen?
Taylor leans forward. "I have been waiting for you to say that for three months, you moron."
I look at him. "What do you mean?"
"Damn, Kasey, are you really that dense? I have been waiting for three months for you to say you want a relationship. Is that too hard to understand?"
Too hard to understand? "No. I understand." Very, very bad? Yes.
"Good. Are you gonna eat that?" I shake my head and push my hamburger across the table towards him. Maybe if I stuff him full of crappy cafeteria food I'll be less likely to eat him. The ones who eat healthy taste the best.
Three weeks later…
What's odd is that, in the weeks since Taylor and I have been "in a relationship," nothing's really changed. We go to class, do homework, watch stupid movies with Brett, Rowan and their girlfriends. Only real difference is that we've been eating meals together, sometimes alone, sometimes with Taylor's other friends.
Then out of nowhere Taylor asks, "Where'd you grow up, Kasey?"
Wonderful. He wants to know about my life before college. "Montana," I answer vaguely.
He rolls his eyes. "I know that. Where in Montana?"
Of course he wants to know that. "A town called 'the Village.' It's about seventy miles north of Helena, the capital."
"The Village?" he asks skeptically. "Seriously?"
Sort of. It doesn't really have a name. We just call it 'the Village.' There aren't any other groups nearby—I'm pretty sure there are a grand total of three villages in the United States—so there isn't really any other place we'd need to refer to. Aloud I say, "That's what it's been called since the day it was founded. No one's seen any reason to change the name since." We need to change the subject soon. Just telling him that much is treading dangerous waters. "Where exactly did you grow up?"
Nashville. I already know the answer to that question. I know so much more about him than he seems to know about me. Maybe that's creepy, maybe it's just evidence of how much I love this human who can never be mine. "Nashville," he replies. "But let's not talk about that now. I want to hear more about this village of yours." Of course he does. "It sounds like it could explain a lot of your peculiar behavior." He has no idea.
"There really isn't much to tell. It's not a huge community. No one ever moves in, no one ever moves out. Very, very few leave long enough to attend college." Special permission from the Hokship—the Elders—required. Must be an upstanding citizen to even be considered. I guess I'm evidence of how quickly someone can go from law-abiding to law-breaking. "We're very isolated." True, true, true and true.
"So you basically grew up under a rock."
"Yeah, pretty much." Except for the fact that Taylor has no idea just how true that statement is. Underground caves… only the Hokshi would choose to live like that, when they could live in the sun.
Taylor is currently reclining on Brett's bed, which would give Brett an embolism if he knew about it. "What about your family?"
"Mother, two brothers, one sister. That's about it." Why does he want to talk about this?
"Sperm donors." Sort of. The females seduce and sleep with a human male. Obviously the man dies afterwards, but if she's pregnant… well… not much we can do about that, short of abortion. Which for some illogical reason, the Hokshi don't condone.
The need for humans both to reproduce and to provide food is why we more or less live directly under a city. Well, sort of. We don't really need humans for food. We can live off of vegetables, fruits, animal meat… but when we try, the magic fades. The Lights fade.
That's also why it's a matriarchal society. Most of the men never have kids, meaning no family line. If we tried to keep the genes within our little community… it's small enough that inbreeding and incest would occur in no time flat. So the girls get pregnant by humans a couple times and life goes on.
"What?" I ask. "Sorry. Just thinking."
He nods. "I could tell. Christmas break is coming in a few days. You want to come meet my family?"
No. I want to drop out, go home and never see you again. I don't want to hurt him. And with each step I take toward a more serious, committed relationship, the odds that Taylor gets hurt—the odds that I end up killing him—increase. Exponentially. "Yeah," I say smiling. "I'd like that." Unfortunately, I'm even more selfish than my mother accused me of being when I decided to go to college.
Taylor smiles, for some stupid reason genuinely happy I've agreed. "I'll call my folks, let 'em know you're coming."
"Will it bother them that you're dating a guy?" I ask.
Taylor snorts. "Kasey, I'm adopted. My parents' names are Amy and Teresa. If it bothers them that I'm seeing a guy, they're the biggest hypocrites the world has ever known." Oh. A pause. "Would it bother your family, you dating me?"
"Yes. Very much so." Just not for the reasons he thinks. They couldn't care less that I prefer men to women. They'd have a problem with the fact that I'm in a relationship with a human.
Taylor makes a face. Then he dials his home number on his cell. Well, I assume it's his home number. "Hey, Mom. Yes, school's fine. No, I'm not doing drugs. Yes, my grades are good. Yes, I'm coming home for the holidays. And that's why—no, Mom, I'm not going there. Fine, I'll talk to you about it when I get home, okay? And I'm bringing a friend home. Yes, Mom, a guy. Yes, Mom, more than just friends. Happy? Goodbye."
He rolls his eyes. "Amy never stops asking questions, so be ready for that."
"Thanks for the warning," I reply.
He nods and jumps up. "I need to study for the psych final. You gonna come to the library with me?"
I nod. "Yeah, give me a couple minutes alone, will you? I need to call my mother."
Taylor frowns. "Do you have a cell phone?"
I nod. "I never use it, though. There's no one I need to call."
Taylor shrugs. "Whatever. Meet me in the living room in ten minutes."
He closes the door and I command, "Shin." Lock. The lock on the door clicks. It's so odd… even though I'm extremely fluent in English, the spells are far more natural in Hokshi. Then I manually unlock the bottom drawer of my desk, unsealing the magic. I reach in and grab my Light. At my touch, it glows a florescent green. Everyone has their own Light and their own color. If you touch someone else's Light, it does not glow the right color. Not that it really matters. Only Hokship can control lights that don't belong to them.
I toss my Light into the air, where it hangs for several seconds, casting an eerie green glow across the room. "Hen Sudra," I say. Call Mother.
There is a bright flash of white light, and my mother's face comes into view, nearly filling the orb that now hovers at the perfect height for speaking. "Kasey," she immediately begins chastising me, "I've been trying to call you for weeks now, but you're never there. Quit locking the Light up."
"And then what, Sudra?" I ask. "Have it shoot out of my pocket in the middle of class? Please, tell me how I would explain that one."
Sudra brushes her medium brown, curly hair from her eyes and huffs, "Fine. Now why are you calling?"
"I'm not coming home for Christmas, Sudra." If she doesn't ask, I have no intention of telling her. She is one of the most rule-oriented Hokshi in the Village.
She scowls. "Fine. But you better do some hunting there, then, because you're not coming in very clear at all. Your magic is fading, so you sure as hell better do something about it."
"Fine, Sudra," I agree. "Whatever you want." I reach up and grab the Light out of the air, effectively hanging up on her.
Then Taylor and I go to the library, cramming our minds full of useless information about psychology. Why he needs to take a psych course for a chem major or why I need to take it for my world mythology-creative writing double major, I have no idea.
The librarians kick us out an hour later for laughing too loudly. Then Taylor gets a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Let's stay out tonight," he suggests. "Not go back to the dorm."
"And do what?" I ask.
"Whatever we want."
I know what I want to do, and I know what he wants to do. The thing is, I would hurt him. I just roll my eyes at his obvious innuendo. "And if what I want to do is different than what you want to do?"
Taylor sighs. "I swear, Kasey. I know you want to fuck at least as badly as I do. What's with the self-control?"
I shrug. I'm being selfish. I know that. Keeping something to myself I never should have tried to take in the first place. But at the moment, I don't really care.
What I need… I do need to eat. Maybe if I eat, then spend the night with Taylor… maybe I can make this work.
"Tomorrow," I promise him.
He raises his eyebrows. "Why not tonight?"
Why not tonight… good question, with no good answer. "I just need a little more time," I lie.
The truth: I need to kill someone else if I want to sleep with Taylor.
I'm way more selfish than I thought.