Chapter One

Boredom is a funny thing. The mind doesn't like to be bored. It demands to be used, whether that be learning something new, or remembering something old. Boredom is worse than pain. Pain teaches the brain and body something new. The brain learns to stay away from something that pains it. I believe that boredom is the opposite of happiness; even pain can cause happy feelings afterwards. When the sweet chemicals in our body mix to create the world's best pain killer, then the happiness happens. When the brain is learning, the brain is happy.

Boredom is the opposite of happiness. It teaches us nothing. We sit there in agony when we run out of things to think about. The brain will bring up every memory it can to keep us from being bored. Happy, sad, angry; it all comes crawling to the surface when we get bored.

Maybe that's why everyone wishes they could go back to their childhoods. We had the energy to play out our fantasies, hadn't been told that what we were thinking was wrong, and hadn't been influenced by our hormones. Life was spent in our own world living the way that we wanted.

I was born into a happy family. The first born on my mother's side of the family, I was the best thing that happened since sliced bread. From the moment I was born I was fawned over. Both of my parents came from Native American blood; both having dark hair, eyes, and skin. I was expected to be the same way. Everyone was shocked when I came out with dark blue eyes. Of course, all babies are like that, they all thought. After a month or two, they figured my dark blue eyes must have come from my grandpa, even though his were a light blue. They just stopped trying to figure out where they came from.

My hair went from light brown, to a reddish brown, and then finally settled on coal, blue black. Everyone loved to run their fingers through it because it is so soft. Mother always told me I had girly hair.

My mother, she was a beautiful soul. I would pretend she was an Indian princess that I would have to save. She loved playing games with me, always laughing at my antics. She never yelled at me when I did something stupid. She would sit me down and tell me why it was wrong, and then send me off to play. I loved my mother.

My father was just as wonderful. He would play cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, tag, baseball; when he was home, we were together. My family was tight. They gave me everything they never had when they were growing up. I'll admit I was spoiled.

My brother came along eight years later. He was a red headed demon. He crashed into our prefect little world like all hell breaking loose. From the moment he was born everything was different. I had to learn how to share the two people I loved more than anything in the world. I didn't like it but I learned.

I learned that I liked teaching that brat how to do things. I would lie on the carpet and roll over and over until he finally followed me. When he learned how to walk, we couldn't be separated. He hated that I went to school all week. I missed him when we were away from each other. He was my brother, he knew me better than anyone else, even with the age difference.

I thought him everything I knew. I would sit down and teach him to read, do math, everything I learned at school, I would teach him when I got home. Mother and father would tell me he was too young to learn what I was teaching him but he never complained or wanted to do anything else. He taught me patience at a young age.

He made me learn how to deal with other kids. Before he was born, I wanted nothing to do with the other kids my age. I blamed them for taking me away from my parents. I didn't blame the teachers because I loved to learn but I thought that they could have done that at my house. It was because of these others that I had to leave home. I hated them.

After my brother was born, I realized that I wasn't the only person that matter. These kids deserved to learn just like me. They were taken away from their parents too. I started talking more. I made friends. I even had a best friend. Everything was good.

The teenage years, oh, how I hated them. I was moody all the time, I hurt in places I never knew I could hurt, and my body started doing weird things that I didn't want it to. I went from being happy all the time to being hateful. I blamed my parents for it and my brother didn't understand me anymore. Things just got bad but it does that for every teenager. All my friends were going through the same thing. In my opinion, the girls had it worst. Sex-Ed class made me walk around in a daze for a week afterwards. I never wanted to hear the words period or tampons again. I didn't get my wish but I tried. I did have fun with the condom they gave us boys though. Cream corn, three flights of stairs, my science teacher, and eight detentions later made everything worth it.

And I had my best friend through it all. When I was in trouble, he was in trouble. I thought up the plans, he pulled them off. Neither of us would rat on the other but we wouldn't let the other get in trouble alone. No, Alec and I were shackled together.

High school wasn't good for me. I hated high school and by that time, I wished school had never been invented. High school tore my family apart. Mom and dad hated my friends. My brother hated that I didn't want to hang out with him anymore. I hated my mom and dad for trying to control my life. I hated my brother for trying to butt his way into my world. I was self-centered. Everything revolved around me.

First year of high school was fine. I missed some school from being sick or skipping to hang with Alec. We were still pretty immature at that age. Girls were a side issue to 'the guys'. They still weren't important. I played football, basketball, and baseball. My time was taken up with those, my friends, and homework when I wanted to do it.

Second year, things started to change. My friends suddenly wanted to date; they didn't have time to hang out anymore. Girl suddenly ruled our world. I started dating Erika, the girl down the street from me. She was pretty and was the perfect girlfriend. She did what I wanted to do and only so often would she complain about me not doing anything with her. Alec was dating her best friend so I still got to hang out with him.

Third year I lost my virginity. Third year was also when I found out I didn't like girls. I was horrified. I was disgusted. So I broke up with her and dated someone else. When the same feelings took me when I slept with her, well, I knew that something was wrong with me. I started to pull away from everyone so I could think. I stopped dating, which, of course, upset a few people because I was ruining their dream high school years. The quarterback is supposed to date the head cheerleader and be prom king and queen. I didn't go to prom that year. I didn't tell anyone about what was going on. High school wasn't going well but that summer after third year change things. Alec noticed I wasn't myself anymore.

"Dude, what the hell is up with you?"

The question caught me totally off guard. We were sitting on my roof, watching the old drive-in movie that was a few blocks from my house. We were just getting to the best part of the horror film; I love horror movies, so I wasn't paying any attention to him. "What?"

"Everyone has been talking about it. You just quit talking to people, your grades were dropping, the coach almost kicked you off the baseball team; you're acting crazy. You're not depressed or anything are you? I know the warning signs of a psycho person getting ready to kill themselves. We had to learn it in health class."

I laughed at the concerned look on his face, "Hell no, I'm not depressed. At least, not that much. I've just got a lot of shit on my mind, all right? I'm not ready to talk about it."

"I've been your friend since we were putting worms in the teacher's desk and you can't tell me what the hell is wrong? I think I'm hurt," Alec punched me in the shoulder, trying not to smile.

How do you tell your best friend that you might, just might, be gay? I didn't have anyone to talk to about all of it; I'd been looking up stuff online for Christ's sake. I bit my bottom lip, which he knew meant I was thinking so he turned back to watch the movie. He was good about giving me time to think.

Should I just tell him? 'Hey Alec, I think I'm gay." Yeah, that sucks. Lead into it, like an essay? 'Hey, you know how we were learning about the Greeks and Romans in Mythology class? Well, I was looking up stuff online and found out that most of them were into guys…' I snorted, trying not to laugh at myself. Alec looked over at me but I just shook my head and sighed. "Look, I've got a problem but I don't know how to tell you."

Alec looked back over to me, giving me his full attention. I swallowed thickly and opened my mouth to tell him but nothing came out. I did that a few times before closing my mouth and just shaking my head. I couldn't do it. Alec and I were known for picking on the kids who didn't fit in at school. The outcast, the band geeks, the math nerds, all of them didn't like being around us. How could I tell him that his best friend, high school athlete star, was gay?

"Hey, Luc, it can't be that bad. Just tell me?" he asked me, putting his hand on my shoulder. He looked me right in the eyes, leaning down a little so I would look at him.

I was stupid. I looked into his green eyes, moon shining in his blonde hair and saw the one person who had been by my side through everything and just acted. I kissed him. Straight on the mouth, eyes closed, arms thrown around his neck, kissed him. I think we were both in shock for a few minutes before he pushed me away.

I backed away, he backed away. Both of us put our head between on knees and covered our eyes with our hands. It was about twenty minutes later that he spoke, "You're gay?"

All I could do was nod. Even though what I did couldn't be counted as a kiss, it still turned me on. Excitement was coursing through my veins even twenty minutes later.

"Really?" his voice sounded small, like when we were kids and he was scared.

"Yeah, Alec, really. See why I didn't want to tell you?"

"So you kiss me instead?" he demanded in disbelief.

I turned to look over at his angry tone. The slant of the roof made it hard to sit like that but I thought he deserved to see my face after what I did. "I was scared, all right? I didn't know how to tell you and then you were pushing me for an answer so I just reacted. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I'm not attracted to you or anything; it was just a spur of the moment thing."

"Oh, so now you're not attracted to me because I pushed you away?"

"What? No! I haven't been in to you. You were just there!"

"So you're using me now?" Alec asked in a low, angry whisper. His face was red in anger as he stood up and walked away. It surprised me so much that I didn't protest to his leaving. He never left before we finished our fights. It either lead to resolving itself or we fought it out. Him just getting up and leaving was new and left me completely unprepared for what to do.

I didn't see Alec for the rest of the summer. I would call his house and no one would pick up. When I went to his house, the lights would be off and no one would answer the door. All the windows were locked. I had no idea what had happened and I started to get worried.

I went to the police the week before school started. I wasn't prepared to hear what they told me.

"Alec's mom was found in the house. She was gone, Lucien. There wasn't a scratch on her, or anything internal. We've been looking into it. Haven't you been reading the papers?" My dad's best friend, Frank, asked me.

During the explanation I sat down heavily in a chair. My breath came out in quick pants. I think I was hyperventilating. After about ten minutes, I barely got out, "And Alec?"

Frank shook his head. "We haven't heard from him. I knew from your dad that you and him fought the night this all happened. We don't know if he went home and killed his mom in anger or if he came home and found her that way and freaked. He is the key to all of this. We find him, we can find out what happened. Everyone is looking for him; he's the main suspect."

Frank got me a ride home. There was no way that I would have made it on my own. I didn't speak to anyone on my way up to my room. Why hadn't my parents told me? My best friend went missing and they knew? What the hell was up with that?

My room. My haven. My life was in this tiny little green room. Little knick-knacks were the statements of my life. My books on my bookshelf atoned to how much I read. My signed baseballs told the story of my travel ball tournaments. My games stacked in the corner showed off the many hours Alec and I spent shut up in this little green room, side by side, owning all the noobs in our favorite first person shooter game.

Everywhere I looked in that room, Alec stood out. His name was on my baseball, scratched into my bookshelf; his spirit infused my room. Pictures of us were on my bedside table, hanging on my walls, and filling my photo albums. He was as much a part of my life as my family; he was my family. It wasn't until that time that I realized how much he meant to me. I was lost without him. Maybe I did like him more than I thought and didn't realize because I was too close to him.

Dinner that night was quiet. I asked my parents one question, "Why?"

Neither of them could answer me with the truth. "We wanted to protect you." "We didn't think you would want to know." "There wasn't anything you could have done." I didn't want to here anymore. I couldn't eat.

I spent that week in a daze. I slept more than I had in my life. I slept so that I could see him. Every moment I spent asleep, I got to spend with him. I barely ate and I stopped going to football. My coach called four or five times a day trying to get his senior quarterback back.

I lost my best friend and possible love of my life a week before my last year of school. Life didn't look promising in those days.

Reviews are totally welcomed. Hell, even flames are welcomed. This is my first story written in first person so if you see something wrong with tenses, please let me know. This has not been Beta'd yet so I'm sure there are mistakes.