slam the final brick into place; lean back
against the walls i have built and sigh.
i am not contented, i am not satisfied, i am not happy,
but i have accomplished the goal
i set out to conquer. my defenses are in place
(- triply-manned and quite well-armed, i assure you)
and no one will break them down. believe me,
no matter how hard he tries, i will not let
him see me so vulnerable. it's not that he's
done anything to deserve my suspicion. he is
a good person, essentially, despite his more-than-rough edges.
i simply see no reason to open myself
to the kind of hurt this situation presents. i have
been in pain before. and i don't want to experience
that ever again. i know, i know. everyone says -

Oh, honey. If you don't try, then
you'll never really know. Maybe he's
The One. The pain is worth the
thrill of l - o - v - e . It's better to have
loved and lost than never to have
loved at all.

you know what i say to that? bullshit.
i'd rather not love anybody, if love means
getting broken in the end. you can call me
naive or stupid or ridiculous or young, you can
say i'll change my mind eventually. and maybe you're
even right. how should i know?

but for the moment, i'll protect myself from
the harm these people bring me. and sure - it means
i'm unable to trust even the most worthy people.
but i'm tired of caring,
and so i won't, anymore.


ehh. not what i set out to write. but it will do. i don't feel like trying to fix it. i can just feel the writer's block hovering around my hands.