Crawling along the gravel,
Cuts and bruises etched in my skin,
Hearing whispers swirl around like vultures,
Blood dripping from me like tears,
Dirt colouring me so I cannot recognise myself,
I look at the lost face mirrored in a broken beer bottle,
A former identity bubbling under the surface.
I threw my money into unfulfilled dreams and wasted wishes,
Played the risks and won no prize,
Sitting in damp corners or urban streets waiting for exhaustion to settle in.
Was I begging for money or help?
The lines of reality blurred,
Nightmares seeped into the real world,
The fears becoming clear.
The image in the crystal ball smashing,
Dragging my empty carcass into a bar,
The little change burning a hole in my hands,
Drinking away the pain and memories.
I am not that little girl anymore,
The picture of innocence slipping through my hands like sand.
Was my time running out?
I wait in the darkness,
The cold of the winter biting hungrily at my almost bare body.
They would come and go,
Take their fill and leave me in an alley scooping up my cash,
I sell my body to fuel my addictions,
Drugs, Booze, Escapism.
Now as the years ravage my weather-beaten skin,
I crawl along the street.
Nothing and No one looking at me,
Their fears that their lies will evaporate with my stare and they will end up beside me.
Broken and sore,
I was life's catch.
If you didn't play the game,
You'd be down and out before you know it.
The temptations a bitter memory on my sinful tongue,
The toxics burning away my health like acid.
Now as I stare through the bars,
Through the windows,
I see what I could have had.
The wasted chances,
Lectures on my behaviour,
How I wasted that time.
Pretending not to care,
Trying to be defiant,
Trying to look how a girl my age should.
Acting recklessly to score a date,
To score on drugs and free champagne,
To mask my flaws.
Become an elite and walk among the riches,
Like a jester performing to the court.
I'd make up my face,
I'd make up my lies,
I'd make up for the lost promises.
I was shallow.
Wanting everything out of my reach,
Wanting to no avail.
Now sleeping in the gutter,
I knew I was washed up like the others.
The fame a mocking bird inside me,
Pecking away at my thoughts of what could have been.
Home so far away,
Evil lurking inside,
My rapture eating me alive.
No gentlemen handling me with grace and passion,
Men grabbing me with anger and greed.
I was a puppet following the track,
Not a doll which was whisked off to a country hotel room.
A prisoner of life,
Held forcefully in the arms of the law.
Damaging and ruining things,
Not for attention,
For bed, food, existence.
The trailer trash of yester year,
Breaking the boundaries for life's necessities.
Dropping off the high-life radar,
Dropping what felt like miles,
To land out in the cold,
Shut off and cut off from the past.
I needed them.
They no longer wanted me.
I can't live in the flames,
I can't stand another burn,
I curl up and slowly let go of all that was holding me here.