All of us are searching for some sort of purpose in our lives. Yet, when we find it we may find ourselves unwilling to accept it. And, for that reason, we find ourselves once again searching. Only this time we will never find it, for we have rejected that purpose in selfishness. Yet the rejection we did so willingly, knowing that we would not have another purpose in our lives. Yet some part of ourselves lies to our soul, telling it that we will find something eventually, telling us that there's something out there waiting for us, we jsut have to keep waiting and to keep searching and we will find it.

Only we have found it...we just don't want it.

Could it be then that we only search because we know we should? Because if we stop searching then we truly have no purpose, life no longer has a meaning and we have given everything up for apathy?

Alas, maybe it is nothing more than another lie that we feed our minds. Reality, it seems, is far too hard to cope with for many people and, knowing that, we twist it into whatever seems fitting. We do not twist everything, of course, for to do so would mean that we are going insane willingly, and that we are running. Thus we twist only enough so that we may also twist the fact that we are running away to where we can beleive ourselves when we say that we are not, and beleive ourselves when we state that we are not in fact going (what we beleive to be) 'insane'.

It is a difficult ledge that we sit on, this ledge of selected apathy, and from sitting on it so long we often lose ourselves at some point in time, falling to either side of the curb and are either lost in the disallusion even further, and upon being comfortable with the lies overcoming us, are scoffed at by those around us. Either that or we are hit with how much of reality we have ignored and are terrified by the truth of things and become either iron cold in our strength or give in, giving ourselves up to the pain, no longer able to smile.

Yet, all the same, knowledgeable in a way of what is coming to us, we continue to balance. Yet to balance is tiring, and that fact itself weighs down on our existance. It is such a struggle, even, that we surround eachother with others who are balancing in like ways, so that we may convince ourselves that the ledge we stand on is the correct one, and the selected truths we beleive are correct. It is easy then, to beleive that those who have selected other truths than us are incorrect, that those who face other realities and act as such are committing immoral deeds and are evil. That those who act odd from knowledge or illusion are then the ones who are truly 'running' or are truly 'insane'.

Thus we speak words such as 'truth' and 'purpose' as if we have them or are searching for them. Yet we neither have nor seek either. We live our own illusion to the fullest, and will never find the truth. Knowing this we burry the fact and live...We live and grow tired and beleive in our lies, for without them we fear being torn apart by all the we do not understand, by how much pain and terror and destroyed hope truly exist.