It is strange how the more I look at morals from a philosophical point of view the less sense they make to me. In fact...the less sense anything seems to make sense to me. In a way this both confuses and scares me. I find myself losing not only direction but identity, and find myself confused. "What is the point of life?" I ask myself, waiting for an answer.
But...no answer comes. My soul, then, is overcome with a silent dread and I am left to wonder at the forboding which fills me.
If to strive for perfection leads to only strife and pain then what good does it do to strive? Is it nothing but a sort of ethical egoism that leads me to fighting for 'what I beleive'? When all is said and done will the fact that what I did was 'right' ever matter at all? I attempt to convince myself that it is, yet, for some reaosn, I find it getting more and more difficult as I deconstruct this world further and further.
It is as if with every knew recognition of just how twisted we have become comes a stronger will to ignore all that I have found consciously and to give myself up to all that I know is wrong. For the more I find the more I regret finding-the more I know the more I fear knowledge. For knowledge is power, but it is also a burden. One which tears apart the soul and fills it with a sense of pain.
For to truly search for knowledge one struggles then with maintaining their beleif. And knowledge without beleif is nothing more than a wellspring of nothingness and despair as you are forced to realize that all adds up to nothing and that no action is worth anything at all.
Alas, I am scared, oh so scared. Yet what scares me the most is how much I do not know. For if already I feel myself growing weak then how much weaker will I be once I have truly found out what passes? how much more will I have lost when all comes to light? I yearn to search and find gain, yet the more I find the more I doubt that it is truly gain that lies beyond the horizon. After all all the gain I see is in the simple things, and in the scheme of things those don't really matter, do they?