I am now alone in the castle. Well, as alone as one may be in a castle filled with servants and maids.
I am increasingly often seeing the maids cower away from me as I pass them in the draughty corridors. They are scared of me...
I am not surprised. I have often been with Ferencz when he punishes his servants, and though I have never revelled in it, I have never made any move to indicate that it bothers me, and I have never attempted to put a stop to it. They are our servants, so surely we are entitled to treat them as we please.
I know what Ferencz will expect of me when he returns. Obviously, Sarvar must have an heir. But I am wary to become once again with child. I know that any child of mine conceived with a Count who is my husband would never be taken away, but I am loathe to lose another child.
I am becoming increasingly worried to find that during the course of these long, cold days, I find myself punishing the servants as Ferencz did.
And the strangest thing is that I feel no remorse. It is almost as though I would rather punish the servants than do any of the other things expected of me. But what else should I do? Sew? Sit in my room and pray for the safe return of my husband? To be truthful, I have no care for him. On the other hand, he has never treated me wrongly, and we have become closer of late.
I do not believe that his treatment of the servants is making me less inclined to feel kindly towards him. It is his right to do with them what he will, and of course I should be supporting him, should I not?