Well, I'm back. Oneshot this time, cause nothing else is coming to mind… and I'm too tired to sleep, so random crap gets written down. In addition, I'd like to say that this is my first attempt at writing a girl/girl fic (probably the direct result of the fact that my muse/the one actually writing the stories is a bisexual teenage guy, and therefore for some twisted reason it's easier for me to write from a teenage guy's perspective...whatever). Well, as I was saying, first time writing a girl/girl story. Don't be mean. Actually, I don't care if you're mean. Just review. :)—KG64
My phone buzzes. I pull it out of my pocket, keeping it hidden under the desk. I don't need to get caught texting again. Mom'd kill me. Did you get my text? It's from Kai. Again. That's about the fiftieth one today. What're you doing this Saturday? How's your day going, honey? Friday's our one year anniversary; we should do something special. Text after freaking text. I know. Nothing she ever says is new. And I'm tired of it. I just… maybe I'm a horrible person.
Yes, I text back.
My phone vibrates in my pocket less than a minute later. Well you didn't text me back. And here comes the green jealousy monster. The fact that we're both in the middle of sixth hour doesn't seem to matter. She thinks I'm off doing something with someone if I don't answer her texts immediately.
Meyers will kill me if she catches me texting again. And I don't want to talk to you at the moment.
At first, I thought it was sweet, Kai caring where I was all the time. And then… I started to feel smothered. I couldn't spend a weekend with my cousins because she thought I was cheating on her. If I didn't text her back within a few minutes of receiving the text, she assumed the worst. But by the time I realized how much it annoyed me, we'd been together for six months and I just… she's a habit almost. A bad habit I need to break.
My phone vibrates again. I ignore it. A few minutes later, it goes off again. What is with her today? I pull out my phone. So don't get caught. You never told me what you're doing Saturday. That's the first one. The second one is, Vera, are you IGNORING me?
Okay, I'm done. I can't take it anymore. I begin to text her back, I told you, I'm going to the lake with my—
"Vera Haake," Miss Meyers says. Score.
"Yes?" I ask.
She raises her eyebrows as I pretend to play innocent. "Phone. My desk. And while you're up here, we'll sign you up for a detention after school sometime this week, okay?"
Miss Meyers, you are my hero. "Sure, Miss Meyers."
I walk to the front of the room, drop my phone on her desk and look at the days she'll be here for detention. Before school every day… after school Tuesday, Wednesday and… perfect. Friday. "Friday after school okay?" I ask her.
She glares at me. Meyers hates me. She's this super conservative forty-something, and I'm… well, me. Lesbian, hair cut shorter than most of the guys at the school and died bright purple, lots of leather. It probably doesn't help that I hate English with a burning passion, so I spend most of her class texting and listening to my iPod. At any rate, she really doesn't want to end her week with me. "Fine," she says. "Friday after school. Be there by three." So… twenty minutes between the final bell and when I'll have to be back here. Twenty minutes to deal with a whiny, mopey Kai. I can handle that. Maybe.
What really gets me is that Kai doesn't realize how much she's stifling me. And that pisses me off. I also don't think she realizes she's the reason I've started wearing my leather jacket more often than I used to. It keeps the scars from the cutting and the new scabs and bandages hidden. She knows I've been clinically depressed since eighth grade. She knows I used to cut. She just doesn't know that I've started cutting again because of her.
I just… I don't feel like anyone really cares. My mom preaches to me about how being gay is a sin, but I guarantee she slept with my dad before they were married. That's a sin too. My sister is just a bitch. My dad is always… tired. He doesn't have time to deal with my crap, not while he's trying to put up listening to my mom and my sister day in, day out. And then there's Kai.
She cares. But she cares in a really shallow way. I've tried to tell her how much it bothers me what's going on at my house, and she just changes the subject and talks about how crappy her life is. I've tried to tell her about my depression, about how it started when my grandma died of cancer. But she hears the c word and freaks out. It's like she thinks if she doesn't hear about it, it doesn't exist. Well, Kai, sweetheart, it does exist. And one day you're gonna have to face that fact. I haven't even tried to tell her I have a mild form of epilepsy.
She doesn't even realize I'm hurting. And that kills me inside even more.
I get my phone from Meyers at the end of the day and I find about thirty missed texts. You ARE ignoring me. Who are you with? Come on, Vera, just text me back. Where are you? I turn my phone off and make a beeline for my car. Unfortunately, Kai is waiting there for me.
"Why haven't you texted me back?" she demands.
"Meyers took my phone," I answer honestly.
"And haven't you gotten it back yet?" she demands as I shove my backpack into the backseat of the car.
"Yeah. I was getting ready to hit send and it turned itself off. It needs to be charged," I answer dishonestly.
"Oh, okay," Kai says. "I thought you were ignoring me." I can't imagine why I would do that. "You doing anything tonight?"
"I have a dentist appointment, Kai. I told you that."
She makes a face. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your mom like scheduling all your appointments the same week cause she's stupid. So you have the dentist today, and a general checkup tomorrow, and what on Wednesday?"
"I have to escort my sister to all her crap on Wednesday. Thursday I have to go see this other doctor for this other thing I don't even understand." My neurologist. A follow-up appointment so that he can keep writing my prescription. "And now I have detention on Friday, for texting in Meyers class."
"Vera!" she complains. "Really? Friday's our anniversary! It was supposed to be special!"
"I already told you, Kai. I'm leaving town on Friday. We're going to the lake, cause my dad wants to go fishing." I make a face. Actually, I'm looking forward to it. No Kai, and no cell service. I'll be free for an entire weekend.
She scrunches up her face. "So what you're saying is that you can't spend any time with me this weekend, aside from lunch."
I try to look sad. I'm not sure I'm successful. "Sorry. Talk to my parents and Meyers. I apparently don't run my life anymore. And now I gotta get home." I kiss her cheek, slide into my car and escape the parking lot. Friday cannot come soon enough.
I made it. My parents confiscated my cell phone for getting detention—I'm trying to figure out how this and the detention are punishments when I was trying to get them, in order to avoid Kai. But now I'm in the back seat of my dad's pick up, driving toward the lake.
My dad sets up the two tents, gets his fishing poles ready and heads down to the lake. My mom and my sister are fighting, as per usual. So no one notices when I disappear. Big surprise there. No one notices that Vera has vanished. I could be a sideshow at a carnival. Vanishing Vera. I'm good at that.
I walk around the edge of the lake. I walk across the bridge that crosses the river that feeds into the lake. I walk out across the dam that makes the reservoir possible. I kick off my black Converse and dip my toes in the water. And then it's all too much. The cold water reminds me too much of how cold I feel inside.
I feel nothing anymore. Nothing. No fight is worth fighting. Nothing's worth it. And I just feel cold and numb all the time. The tears come, and they actually make me feel a little better. While I'm sitting there, after I've stopped crying thank god, a boy about my age comes up to me. "You okay?" he asks.
"Sure," I answer. "Whatever." And I get up and walk away, leaving him behind.
I go back and eat with my family. And then I walk around the lake. And then I take a shower and go to bed. Next day: repeat, crying included, teenage boy included. Next day: repeat. Except this time it's a girl who comes up to me. "Hi," she says. "My name's Lynn. My brother said you were out here crying yesterday too. He's worried about you. He's sweet like that."
I shrug and don't look at her. "It's a wasted effort," I note. "I'm fine."
She doesn't say another word. She just stands and says, "Well, if you want to talk to me or my brother, we're at campsite sixteen."
And for the first time in years I feel like someone actually cares. But it's a freaking stranger. Who I'll likely never see again in my life.
I jump up and walk around the lake again. And again. And again. And then I see the river beneath the bridge, swollen from the excessive rain the past few weeks. I stare at it for a long time. Then I slowly walk to the bridge and climb over the railing. I turn to face the water, leaning out, holding on to the railing. So easy. No more Kai, no more Mom, no more Dad, no more of my sister's crap.
And then I see someone running toward the bridge. It's… Lynn? Does she really care? I take a breath and climb back onto the bridge. When she meets me, tears are streaming from her eyes, which I didn't notice yesterday are an unbelievably pale blue that totally contradicts her raven hair. "Don't do that again," she pleads. "Please."
"Why do you care?" I whisper.
She laughs to herself. "Cause I'm stupid. I've been watching you, and I like you. A lot. Stupid, I know. And I've probably ostracized you now, cause girls don't like getting hit on by other girls. But that's okay. You're okay."
And now I'm the one who's crying. I've been dating Kai for a year, but never once has she made me feel like I'm loved. She hasn't been mean or anything… but it never seemed like she cared. But… I've met her twice, and I already feel like Lynn cares. She hesitates then wraps her arms around me, pulling me to her. She's a good six inches taller than me, so it's not difficult for me to rest my head on her shoulder as I cry.
When I finally wipe my eyes, I say, "Sorry. Thanks for… for everything. My name's Vera."
Lynn nods. "Thanks for not jumping."
And then I say, "I have a girlfriend, Lynn. I've been dating her for a year."
Lynn looks surprised and disappointed. "You mean you're…?"
"A lesbian? Yes. Taken…? That depends."
"How does that work?" Lynn asks, surprised.
I hesitate. Do I really want to do this? "I've been wanting an excuse to break up with Kai for three months. So I guess it depends on how you feel about…" I push myself up so that I'm tall enough to kiss her.
Lynn blushes. "I… I like it."
I smile. "Then yes, Lynn. I'm taken."
I take her hand, and it really doesn't bother me at all that I'm making all of Kai's worries come true. I can already tell that Lynn is going to make me happier than Kai ever did.
And when she kisses me a few minutes later, it's sweet and beautiful, wonderful in a way the kisses I shared with Kai never were. And I realize that I don't regret what I'm doing at all.
I kiss her back and, for the first time in a long time, I don't feel numb and cold and empty.