Life: A Recovery Story
Never knew I could fall so far
Never considered myself on to wound others
Never planned on my loved ones to leave scars
Never meant to take my life and nearly it smother.
Turned a blind eye to the issues in my hand
Refused to believe that I was "one of them"
Wouldn't allow myself to listen to those that understand
And instead I'd go too far again.
Laying in the darkness of my room
Thinking of ways for a heist of six
Of the pills that relieved me of my gloom
But fearful at the tiniest sound, the plan'd be nix.
Until I became what I thought was clever
Making my move when I was alone
Believing whole-heartedly that I would never
Be convicted of the crimes I had known
I was committing almost every day
Not even realizing the criminal I'd become
As my plans focused only on how I may
Get my score and sometimes then some.
Never thought I'd slip up and get caught
But to an end comes all things "good,"
But when it came to that point I never thought
Of telling the truth the way that I should.
It was then an ultimatum was posed upon me
A choice that I found difficult to make—
Open my eyes to the addict and the light I better see
Else I live alone with all my mistakes.
In the middle of the night I paid the price
Of listening to the pain that I caused
Because there was nothing that could suffice
And put my mother's pain on pause.
My family gave me dirty looks all the time
Convinced me I was the lowest form on earth
Daily reminding me of my horrific crime
I apologized… for what little it was worth.
I spent a lot of time crying through the day and night
Afraid to come out of my room in fear of another lashing
Because I had not a reason with which to fight
And my self-esteem couldn't stand another slashing.
Finally, after getting help finding out how to go
About getting the help that I greatly needed
I started making phones calls, and it really started to show
That I was in trouble, and now the signs I heeded.
Within the time of a week or so,
I found myself packing my bags for rehab
While I was terrified to leave my family and go
I realized it was better than sleeping beneath a slab.
I said goodbye to the love of my life the night before
And spent the time crying for my temporary loss
Of spending my time with him, but I'd miss him more
If with my life I'd paid the massive cost.
I told him that I was going to be better for him
That if I ever intended to be his wife
I needed to learn, instead of drowning, how to swim
So together we could spend the rest of our life.
I told my mother I was going to make myself okay
And hoped that she would maybe one day forgive me
She hugged me tight and sent me on my way
Telling me that I needed to look and see
That she had already forgiven my mistakes
That she simply wanted me to be better
That I had a great life one day to make
That from these drugs she wanted me unfettered.
The trip to the facility I tried to sleep through
Because my nerves caused my heart to race
Scared of what lay ahead my terror only grew
And reminded me more and more of my disgrace.
The hardest part of all, this I'll never forget
Was when it was time for my father to depart
The tears in his eyes made me feel such regret
And simply put, it broke my heart.
And here I was now, all on my own
The very first time I'd ever been away
Cried my eyes out and let it be shown
That from the beaten path, I'd fallen far astray.
I met my roommate who took me in
She held me tight through all my tears
Told me that through this I would get and then
There'd be no need to fear.
I followed her most everywhere
For the days that we were together
But when suddenly she wasn't there
Moved on she had, I thought I'd never
Make it on my own because I was far too shy
But it wasn't long before I got to move as well
But then I realized that I had to try
To open up to all these strangers, and hell…
The first time I tried it, I sobbed right out of fear
But they consoled me and made me feel alright
They got me to laugh away all of my tears
And convinced me it was time to fight.
I became a bit of a class clown there
As I began to come out of my shell
I found another "mother" who about me cared
Deeply, and my happiness began to swell.
After five days of being away, I was discharged
Into the arms of my waiting family
I had made so many friends and my heart swelled large
For the first time in a while, I felt like I was free.
The next thing I knew, Daddy was bringing me here
For the next step on the new path that lay ahead
Nervous about meeting a new group, but learned they cared
Instead of shying away, I grew stronger instead.
As I watched those before me moving on
I felt a rising feeling to be the next to make it through
And while I missed the ones who were gone
I was eager to meet the ones who were new.
I found it easy to be light-hearted and fun
I found it fun to be a part of a group
I found it was better now that I wasn't the only one
I found it entertaining to throw my counselors for a loop.
And one night I had a grand epiphany
That came to me on a night in which I couldn't sleep
A thought that told me, "This is recovery."
A thought so simple yet so deep
A thought that provoked me to stand on my own two feet
And reminded me to live to fight each and every day
So that I never again would fall into the pit of defeat
So that I never again would feel so much dismay
That came at the cost of the agony I had raised
From the demons that spoke loudly to me
But now, today, with my ears ringing with praise
The demons have no choice but let me be.
And while on occasion they may rise up to battle
And while sometimes they'll chant wicked words in my mind
I refuse to let them rattle upon my cage
I refuse an open path for them to find
To get back into my head; to cause me all that pain
No, oh no, it's not happening ever again
Because now I've found help and been trained
How on myself and others I can truly depend.
I'm now the daughter my family deserves
I'm going back to school and I threw away my crutch
After nearly losing them, my heart now reserves
A massive place on which them I clutch
Tightly, refusing to ever let go of what's true
Making sure I never forget what I did wrong
So that one day I can apologize correctly and shoo
Away the misery and bring back love ever strong.
I intend on now being a sister good
After witnessing you cry at my hand too many times
I'm now ready to forever do as I should
And instead of tears, I want laughter from you to chime.
I plan to be a better lover to a man who never left my side
Even when he disagreed with the games that I played
He never came at me harshly, but he always did confide
That my antics worried him and made him fear I'd go away.
He tells me that I'm the woman he fell in love so deep
That he sees the changes and hopes they remain
I smile at him and hope my progress to keep
So that never again will he feel such disdain.
My father says that it's great to have me back
And I never realized just how far away I'd gone
So I intend to stay fully on this newfound track
So never again will I vanish and ever I'll move on.
My mother and stepfather both agree and tell me often
That I'm very strong and can do anything I set my mind to
Their encouragement usually my heart softens
And I'm planning to help prove them true.
I thank my group for becoming my home away from home
And becoming people I love and care for with all my heart
Into my second family you all have rapidly grown
And I hope that from you I never truly depart.
From bringing me out of my deep and shy shell
To every day finding a way to make me laugh
Making me feel like I was truly getting well
And helping poke fun at other's gaffs.
To simply being there when I needed someone to talk
With, or laughing at something silly I had done
Teaching me how to learn how again to walk
Not just a single person, but everyone.
A never-ending thanks to my counselors too
For the work you've done will never be forgotten
Never giving up on anyone, teaching with words that you
Knew from experience, as well as often
Picking us up whenever we the help we may have needed
Your lessons will always be with me to learn
And as they'll be passed on and always heeded
Know that my fifty-two days, you helped me earn.
This is my life's biography, spoken now for all to hear
And I hope somewhere a heart may be given a touch gently
That even though I was victim of myself for several years
There is such a thing as life with recovery
And it's the greatest gift you can give to anyone
It's a gift that keeps on giving forever
That gives you years of growing and having fun
With those you love you'll always be together.
Don't throw it all away to alcohol and drugs
Give yourself and your life a chance
To feel the rain or a child's hugs
To simply read a book or take a dance
To grow old and see all there is to see
To feel young at heart and take in the day
Or watch the stars at night, forever free
Of the things that caused your life to fall into disarray.
Don't give up on your life at all.
If you feel it's hopeless, give yourself another try
And sooner or later, you'll answer the call
To take back your life and take to the sky.
I know this is true because I've suffered enough
But now my wings are better and I'm starting to soar
My heart has become hopeful; my skin become tough
And I'll be free forevermore.