The night was entirely still… It had stormed earlier that evening and after everything was left quiet; no birds called from home, no insects for lovers - it left him feeling terribly melancholy. He stared silently at the ceiling, naked from the waist up. Sebastian realized he'd woken from a nightmare again. To say it was reoccurring he felt was pushing it, yes he'd had it multiple times throughout his life, but it was hardly continuous.. Just something that popped up from time to time.
"Again?" The voice from his side was groggy, it made his lovers voice deeper then the usual calm, soothing tones.. He sounded like warm water..
"Yeah." Sebastian frowned softly and looked over at his white haired lover.. Damien changed his hair pretty frequently, at least once every few months or so. This time it was a rather handsome silver-gray that, with the moonlight pouring in weakly from the huge window in their room, almost looked metallic. "Sorry.. I didn't mean to wake you."
Damien threw a lazy arm over Sebastian, tugging him into the crook between his arm and shoulder. Damien was completely naked, he didn't have the same body issues he'd been trying to pry Sebastian free from for years. "You didn't. You shouldn't have nightmares anymore… They can't come back."
Sebastian knew the words were meant to be reassuring, but part of him just wanted to lash back with 'how do you know'? He said nothing, instead he curled himself against Damien's side, his hips angled in such a way that he didn't fit flush against the light haired man.
Light poured in, pale and ghostly as the sliver of moon tried desperately to bring a glimmer of hope to the otherwise dead night. Sebastian mused poetic but, in his opinion, poorly managed words about life, death and love. "… I won't try you know…"
"I won't try leave… Before you, I use to think about it all the time.."
"Sebastian…" Damien's voice held a slightly warning tone, a tone Sebastian seemed unaware of.
"I use to.. My father kept a gun in his study, a pretty wicked dagger too.. The gun had bullets, I checked.. He never knew, but I would stand there, with the gun in my hands and wonder, 'how much trouble would it cause if I left them now?'"
Damien didn't care for the way the conversation was going, but he knew Sebastian had been holding it in for a while. He bit his lip with a grimace, determined not to interrupt his lover while he spoke his piece.
"When I first met you… I thought you were so damned cool.. Nothing like the pathetic, whimpering guy I had become.. I was a disgrace to the only person who deserved I try my hardest." The words were biting with self-loathing, a kind of hatred born from to many nights spent alone with nothing but his failures to think about. "And I was terrible… I wasn't even in love with you then, I just thought you were so cool.. I wanted to prove that I could be cool too, even if just by association. I wanted people to look at me and go "wow, how did a guy like that snag someone so cool?" … But when we met you were dating someone so much cooler and braver and stronger then I could ever be… So I squashed the notion and left it behind like a bad taste in my mouth." He shifted a little, pushing his arm further across Damien's chest so he clung there, perhaps a little too tight. "And then you broke up… I was so torn… I wanted you to be with the person you loved so badly but… I wanted you, I wanted someone cool to tell me they liked me." Sebastian bit his lip hard enough to bruise. He was not pleased with his own actions, he still regretted not trying harder to get Damien and his ex back together..
"We would never have worked out anyway." Damien assured, as though reading Sebastian's thoughts.
"You don't know that… And then I went and made you put up with all my shit." Sebastian looked downward. The double scars across his chest had healed a long time ago, so had the scar between his legs where he'd had something that had begun to rot inside him removed. There had been no cancer and no cysts, but the knowledge of it, the hormones it released had eaten at his self image, it had made him paranoid and, when he forgot to take his medication for to long, sick.
"It's shit I would gladly have put up with." Damien replied in his ever cool tone.
Sebastian became aware of Damien grabbing a cigarette from the nightstand and lighting it. He smoked in bed, he hadn't always but one night Sebastian had asked him not to leave.. It had been cold and he wanted the warmth of his lover and the comforting reminder of home. Damien blew outwards and Sebastian could almost taste the bitter but warm smell of the cigarette. "I'll never be able to give you a normal sex life.." Sebastian's final, crushing pain was laid out in the open. Even something as simple as sex wasn't simple when he was missing the most crucial instrument for a guy.
Damien put his hand in Sebastian's long, dark hair and used it to pull him more tightly against his chest. He blew smoke out again and kissed the top of Sebastian's head. "Fuck it. We're unique, but as long as you won't leave, I won't run." Damien promised firmly. He tilted Sebastian's head back to plant a firm kiss against his lovers lips. Sebastian yielded easily to the kiss. Damien tasted like smoke and spearmint, it was an odd combination that Sebastian had come to enjoy in the nighttime.
"When you're near me… I don't want to run, and I don't want to leave…" Sebastian crushed himself to Damien and closed his eyes.. Hopefully he would never have those nightmares again.. Nightmares where his body returned to the way it had been. He had fought so hard to be a boy, not just any boy, but to be himself… He hated that his dreams could take that away from him.. But at least he could find solace in the body of someone he loved.. He had that much..