It's not that I really had meant to break his heart, just...I suppose...I never really knew what my heart wanted. And thus my lack of desicion brought pain, not only to me but to the one I had cared about.
Is that then the way of love? Something that, in the end, is really more of a hope than a reality? something we yearn for, and, in searching for, destroy other people's chances of having?
To tell the truth, I most certainly hope it isn't. But, how should I know? After all, I'm nothing more than human. A female human, to boot, and a young woman at that. A young woman by the name of Elaine Mathews, who goes by 'Ella' (just in case you cared).
And here I am, a strapping twenty-two year old in a world of business, capitalism, and-don't you forget now-tons of other crazed youngens waiting for their time to rule the top, hoping that I won't be beating them there. Ah, what a world we live in! And I thought life was supposed to be getting simple.
I sighed as I set my grocery bad down on the dining room table in the middle of my pettite, but still rather accomplished, apartment suite. Time to push past my pondering and focus back on life. Life, which, at the moment, happenned to be finding something to eat. Quickly putting away the groceries I had just bought I then meandered through the contents of my fridge.
Okay, so I had fruit, not really dinner like...Bread...Aha! Sushi. I grinned inwardly, success! I had forgotten that this was still there! I had bought some the day before yesterday, forgetting that I had a lunch date with Thomas and had ended up just saving it in my fridge. Today would be the last day that it would still taste good, so perfect time to eat it! Grabbing it I sat down on my couch and flipped on the T.V. changing channels to some stupid soap opera that I could leave at whatever moment I so chose without regret and opening the container where my treasure trove of deliciously seasoned rice, nori, and fresh salmon lie. Okay, semi-fresh Salmon, but you get the point.
Cracking apart my chopsticks I grimaced at the overly volumptuous woman on TV as she complained to the handsom man who just stared ahead. She was beginning to fake-cry. How petty. I wonder if those boobs ever got in the way when she was taking a shower? Like...did they weigh her down whenever she leaned over? Maybe thats why her abs were so strong, she had to be able to hold herself up, after all. Eating my sushi I didn't really try to question how pitiful if was that I was currently pondering over the effectiveness of implants. My God I needed a life.
Sighing I threw the waste into the now empty sushi box and tossed the whole pile into the trash can. And retired to my nightly activities of checking my email and breifly making sure that my house looked only semi-lived in and was, for the most part, sanitary before showering and retiring to the queen sized bed that had no reason being queensized.
May I repeat-I need a life.
Really badly for that matter, yet, having no means of getting one as far I as I knew I held onto that thought and collapsed into the lonliness of my bed. I'd deal with it tommorrow.