Chapter 3: A Hero's Weapon
"Wake up! WAKE UP DAMN IT!" Beckham's voice could be heard through Hero's dreaming of a kingdom of cake being overrun by pudding monsters.
"I was having a good dream damn it! What's your fucking problem!"
"There are bandits you asshole!" Beckham hissed.
"Bandits!" Hero jolted awake immediately.
"Yes, you idiot! They're attacking the inn we saw nearby, and they may come this way soon. Can you fight?"
"Fight? Of course I can! I ain't some sort of lame ass pansy!"
"That's good. I have some weapons stashed in this bag, choose one and then go outside. I'll be waiting in the bushes." Beckham had chosen a club for himself, and threw the bag to Hero.
"Ok." Hero then dumped the contents of the bag onto the floor as Beckham headed out. There was:
A piece of string
A piece of paper with the word "weapon" written on it
A loaf of super holy (as in holes) bread, already a fourth gone
"How the hell are these 'weapons'! That old bastard duped me!" Hero decided to take the ring, seeing as it was the only thing that would somewhat protect him, even if it was only a finger, and headed out. He quickly dived into the bushes where Beckham was waiting.
"Took you long enough!" Beckham chided. What do you have?"
"You call those weapons! A piece of string, a loaf of bread, and a piece of paper!"
"Shut up! What if they hear us!" Beckham covered Hero's mouth with his hand. "I gave you the wrong bag, damn it. It's not safe to go back to get something, I guess I'll have to protect the both of us."
"Hey, I think I heard something over here!" A bandit scout called to the rest of the group.
"You MORON!" Beckham held back the urge to knock the daylights out of Hero, and instead rested his hands on Hero's shoulders. "Listen, I'll distract them. If I get caught, you get Bessie and run away. She's just a bit further in these woods, just go straight from here, got it?"
"AFTER I get caught, ok? If you abandon me and run away I swear I will come back as a ghost and watch you do EVERYTHING."
"I knew it, you are a sick perverted bastard!"
"Just shut the hell up and hide!"
But before they could put any plan into action, the bandits had already gotten their knives to their throats. "Found them, boss! They were hiding in the bushes, sneaky bastards."
"Well well well, if it isn't Beckham."
Beckham glared at the large, towering man. "Rosario."
"Would you like to know how your precious Mila is doing?"
"Keep your fucking hands off of Mila or I'll kill you!" Beckham roared.
"Whoa whoa whoa. Do you really think you're in any position to be making demands?" Rosario smirked as the knives bit into their skin.
"Damn you. I curse you, and your children!"
"Cursing the offspring that will be coming out of Mila? How insensitive."
Rosario slapped him across the face with his big, meaty hand. "Don't be getting cocky now, or I'll cut kill you and your little friend."
"Woo! Rosario, you're the best! The handsomest and coolest man throughout the whole land of Modnar!"
The bandits all turned to stare at Hero. "You got a problem with that, porcupine?"
"Hey, it's not like I wanted my hair to be this way." Hero scowled. "And I have a proper name, it's Steve."
"Hero? What kind of name is that?" Rosario bellowed. "He's some kind of wannabe!"
"I said Steve, and I am NOT some kind of wannabe."
"Ok then, Hero. How are you going to prove it, being so close to death right now? Let's make a deal, if you can defeat me, I'll give back your precious Mila."
"Is everyone deaf or something! I said my name is STEVE!"
"You can stop introducing yourself now, Hero! We can hear you loud and clear!"
"IT'S STEVE! CALL ME BY MY NAME PROPERLY DAMN IT"
"FINE! HERO! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!"
"Ok, I am so going to pulverize you, bastard!" The ring around Hero's finger began to emit a blazing blue light. It glowed and contorted until it became… a giant ass sword!
"A giant ass sword! Where the hell did it come from!"
Hero managed to slip out of the bandit grip and began to slash madly. One by one they fell, until only Rosario was left. "Last one, muah ha ha ha ha ha…" Hero wheezed.
"You are a worthy competitor. I will remember your name, Hero. I will await you at my fortress with a 100 more men! Only then will you get Mila back! I hope to see you then!" Rosario laughed and rode away on a horse.
"Hero, that was amazing!" Beckham said in awe. "Please, save Mila!"
"No fucking way! I don't want to!"
"You won't have to be my slave anymore!"
"Since when was I your slave!"
"I didn't want it to come to this… but if you don't, then I'll spread this! Incriminating evidence!" Beckham held up a photo of Bessie and Hero, stark naked.
"When did you— Give me that!" Hero took it and ripped it up.
"You really think that was my only copy? Heheheh."
"Damn it, I get you for this one day, you old geezer! Show me the way to the damn hide out! I'll save your damn Mila and then I'll fucking kill you!"
"Thank you so much, Hero! Wait here while I get Bessie!"