Seven Things You'll Never Know (But I Wish You Did)

1. I had a crush on you for two years straight. Two years straight. I don't know how you never saw that, I don't know how you missed it. I guess guys really are pretty oblivious. I knew when you started to like me more than a friend. I know when you stopped liking me more than a friend. I know when you started again. You always have been so wishy-washy.

2. The moment I knew I liked you was after I caught you looking at me. Do you remember what you said? You asked me after class, something about my appearance. I asked you why you'd been looking at me so closely. Your friend stepped in and said it was because you always stare at me. I'd had the suspicion you'd liked me for awhile, but you'd never been more than a friend until then. After that, it got me thinking. I'd thought your embarrassment was adorable. That was the first year, that you stared at me. After that year, I never did catch you staring at me again. I think that was the year you stopped being such a little kid.

3. Your jealousy was so obvious. You tried to pass it off like you didn't care. You'd tease me about the boy who liked to follow me around. Asked me if I wanted to marry him or something. Once again, that was the first year. When your insults were still PG-rated. The second year, there was a new boy. You still teased me about him, but you made it viciously clear you didn't like him. You'd never admit it was because you were jealous. But you were, even though I tried to subtly reassure you you shouldn't be.

4. At first, I didn't find you attractive. If we're being honest here. But I guess love does some pretty whack stuff to you. I love your hair, I love your eyes, I love your smile. I love your laugh, I love the way you smell, I love everything about you.

5. I miss how you used to be, how you used to be so easy to read. I used to be able to predict you so well, but now the things you do shock me. Even just the little things, when I think you'll pick blue and you end up picking black. It bothers me. Now you're a mystery to me, and I don't know what to expect. I almost feel like you're a different person, or maybe the illusion I've been holding shattered. If I didn't love you so much, I think I'd hate you.

6. I absolutely hate how every little damn thing reminds me of you. I tried to eat some popcorn last night, but I almost had to spit it out, and not just because it was the cheap, crappy kind. It was dry in my mouth, because my hand was clutching nothing but my own wrist. I tried to chew some of my favorite gum, but the smell brought me back to the last time I'd had it, three or four months ago, when you were trying to get me to give you another piece. I'd forgotten about that until then. I feel sick inside whenever there's large crowds, chihuahuas bother me, walking up that set of stairs at my neighbor's house reminds me of the night I spent up texting you. And I hate it. I just wish I could go a day without thinking of you, but then I realize that that's kind of impossible at the moment.

7. The first time I told you I loved you, I didn't mean it. That's not the secret, I think you knew that. But if I ever got the chance to say it again, I'd mean it, though I don't think I ever will. I want another chance, but something tells me you wouldn't even care if I said it.