The Last Straw

Wednesday 5th November

I've looked over Friday's diary entry, and have decided to stop being so negative. Maybe it's just my boredom, although I'm in a happy mood for the first time in weeks. I'd forgotten what happy feels like. I adore and treasure it now.

I have got something to be happy about though – my brother, Alex, has come back from college for a few weeks! I've missed him so much even though I haven't mentioned him before. I guess I just couldn't bear the thought of remembering him. College has consumed him for the past year, you see, so I didn't really want to think about him; I'd cry, and crying shows weakness. Trudy Goldman is NEVER weak.

She got that right – Trudy Goldman never showed weakness. But it might have helped if she was more sensitive, especially when Rebecca died.

Monday 10th November

I've given up on happy now. I'm the saddest amount of sad anyone can ever be. Happiness I had a few days ago had been completely drained out of me though, for once it's not Sarah's fault, it's actually Alex's.

He's run away.

Technically, he can look after himself – he's over eighteen – but I still can't imagine what would possess him to leave us. Mum and Dad went out looking for him, but they didn't find him. What if I never see him again?

I remember when Alex ran off. Trudy's emails turned even more depressing and dismal than they had been before. It tore me apart that she was suffering so much. Alex still hasn't been found.

The police sat us down and tried to find a reason with us as to why Alex would feel he had to run away. He managed to figure out that it was me. Me? I worshipped my brother!

"But your... change may have made him realise there wasn't much use in staying," the Policeman Guy explained, "perhaps he only came back from college because he thought there was a happy, normal family waiting for him. Then, when he found out everything had changed drastically since he left, he decided he simply couldn't stay."

I don't care that my attitude has driven away my parents, friends and various teachers, but my own brother? My reason for life. Alex.

Snow blankets the ground outside like it's tucking it in for the winter, with the streetlamps beginning to kick in and illuminating it all in a warm, orangey-red glow. It's magic.

I see nature in different ways from everyone else – they see snow as either fun, or an inconvenience. I perceive it to be a thing of enchantment. Just think, each snowflake is special and together they fit to make a giant jigsaw of snow all over the world, which sparkles and crunches, without being all that cold.

Only the ticking of the clock disturbs me. I turn to it and read the time, 15:20. Wow. I've been known for being a slow reader and being prone to daydream for hours on end, but it's getting late now. The streetlamps are really becoming a necessity in this darkness as children run out from Earthmount Primary. Earthmount. The name brings back so many memories. Particularly memories of Trudy. Now the crying and mourning is starting all over again just by having the mental image of her in my head.

It's well past five by the time I stop crying for her, and yet I still can't stop thinking of her. Where has she gone? What happens after death? I like to think sometimes that she's watching over me and can see how much I care for her. But then I wonder if she's just in an eternal sleep. Or maybe she's been reincarnated. I just don't know. You could never really tell what Trudy was doing, even when she was alive; she was very secretive in her last few months. Her emails were almost cryptic and impossible to decipher. My friends in QualityGirls rarely noticed that she was sitting quietly at the back of every classroom.

There's no point doting on the past yet. I've nearly finished the diary, so I can cry all I want afterwards. I want to fulfil Trudy's wishes properly, and that means finishing this masterpiece diary. Only one entry left.

Friday 5th December

Well, this is it, diary. Our last goodbyes.

I'm doing it now. The cars zoom past on my road at this time of night, so it should be quick and pretty painless. Who am I kidding? I'm going to hate it.

I've prepared everything for Sarah to find. Wait that means, if you've done as I've asked, you're reading this right now. I wonder where you are. At school? At home? At my funeral? Don't worry, Sarah I'll see you again one day.

I know you're probably also trying to figure out why I'm killing myself on the early hours of your birthday. Just think of it as a last victory for me. You don't mind do you? No. Of course you don't.

I just want you to know something. I still love and miss you. You were the best friend I ever had, and the last few months really took its toll on me. It was generally the thought of losing you forever. I couldn't live with that. Alex going missing was the thing that pushed me to do it. I'm crying, would you believe? Huh. I guess fearless and strong Trudy Goldman has been completely exhausted with trying to stay put. This is the real me I guess. I hope you don't forget me. To be sure of this, I've sent back the Trudy and Sarah Show video tape to you. This is the Sarah I always remembered. I hope this is the Trudy you'll remember too.

There's no putting it off anymore. I just hope you realise why I'm about to do what I'm going to do, and, hopefully, this diary has put everything straight.

You will always be my best friend.

Love from Trudy xx