I want to change the world, but its hard to know where to start, especially when I can't make a telephone call without shaking and crying. One of these days, I'm going to give up my insecurities to devote myself to things that really matter, but today's not that day. I wonder if "anxiety" is just another word for "not trying hard enough" and if all that noise in my head would quiet down if I just went out and lived.

People scare me.

People can look at you with that face, you know the one, the one that says "what the fuck are you doing? what's wrong with you? how fucking weird are you?" The one that makes me want to break down and cry and never say another fucking word because every word that comes out of my mouth is so goddamn stupid, and fuck, I'm stupid, fuck, I wish I'd never been born, fuck. You think I'm joking, no, it only takes an instant for things to spiral like that, one look, which you probably didn't even mean anything by, I know that, in some tiny part of my brain that clings to rationality, but still, one look from you and I'm totally immobilized.

I'm saying "immobilized" because you told me not to say "paralyzed" because it's offensive, and while I get why you said that and I think you might be right, it still makes me afraid to ever open my mouth again. I wonder if "immobilized" is okay. I'd ask you, if I wasn't so scared. I think in some senses, yes, it skips over use of a particularly touchy word, but it's the same thing isn't it, me trying to say my inaction is the result of uncontrollable conditions rather than a simple choice I make.

Let's face it. Every day, I choose not to act.