"beautiful tragedy."
8.30.11
listening to - "Fast as You Can" Fiona Apple
quote (from said song): "oh darling, it's so sweet/ you think you know how crazy/ how crazy i am."


i used to think tragedy was beautiful -
that if i were sad, a handsome man would look at me and say
you are much too pretty to cry, and then he would
kiss my tears away. and he would save me
from myself.

the truth is, i allowed the monster to take me over
because i wanted someone to rescue me.

but as it turns out, no man will have
a girl who can only love her own darkness.
boys are happy to spend the night with me
and my baggage, but when the morning light
spreads across my face and the shadows in my eyes are
thrown into sharp relief, they are quick to back away,
too afraid of the beast
to pull from its jaws.

so rather than falling into the arms of
a knight-in-shining-armor, i have learned instead to
make love to the creature who shares my reflection.

and this is why i will be alone, alone, alone until my
premature death. because the monster and i,
we push away the people i want to love. and no matter
how far i run, the beast will always live within me;
and so eventually people will come to understand that i am
nothing, nothing but sex and fear and drugs and scales,
the very definition of insanity -

and nothing worth saving.


a/n: also posted in my pillowbook "throw away the key." i just wanted to post it separately because i rather like it. hehe.