Chapter One

Jacquelyn.

Five Prime Examples of Bullshit

They told me I would learn a lot at Blue Skies. The first thing that I learned was that most of what they told me was total shit.

Bullshit Statement #1: We are here to help you.

Nuh-uh, No ma'am. If they were here to help me they wouldn't have taken away my cutting supplies. Which they did. They looked through my bag like total creepers and confiscated the following:

1 Exacto Knife

1 Compass

3 Pencil Sharpener Blades

1 Razor

1 Kitchen Knife

1 Bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide

1 Package of Gauze Bandages

1 Package of Band-Aides.

Isn't that just a teensie bit extreme? Taking away a box of band-aids? What was I going to do; bandage myself to death?

Bullshit Statement #2: Recovery is possible.

Utter crap. Recovery from what? I didn't have a problem.

Bullshit Statement #3: You will stay here until you get better.

Nope. Wrong again, we were actually here until Mommy's and Daddy's insurance ran out. But what about me? I had no mommy. My mother was dead. And I didn't have a daddy either. I had a father. Father. Father? Father! Father.

Yeah… No. He was better known as the 'adult male that lived upstairs'. Not dad. He didn't care about me anyway.

Bullshit Statement #4: We will help you find yourself.

Haha, that's funny, because I didn't know I was lost. I was pretty sure that I was sitting in a room, in an inpatient treatment center having my ear talked off by a bunch of nurses.

Hmm. Alrighty then, moving on.

Bullshit Statement #5: By the time you leave here, you won't want to hurt yourself anymore.

As if.

I would always want to 'hurt myself' because it was the only thing that helped. And no matter what they helped me discover, I would always deserve it. That's jus the way it is.

Meeting My Blue Skies Sister

I was showed to a room (prison cell) and met my roommate (fellow prisoner) and we became acquainted (realized we were going to become best friends).

Her name was Maxie.

She was also there for 'self injurious behavior'. Or for 'self mutilation'.

I just call it cutting, but they call it that. Self mutilation. Hmm, is it weird that to me, that has a nice ring to it?

When I walked in, she was sitting on a bed reading. I glanced real quick but couldn't see the cover because it was pressed down against the cover. The door was left open by the person that led me here, and I checked something. Yep. No lock.

I sat down on the bed they had said was mine (also the only other bed in the room) and started pulling out some of my books.

I had tried to bring some like Wintergirls, Speak, Hold Still, Impulse, It's Kind of a Funny Story, Cut, Thirteen Reasons Why, and The Luckiest Girl in the World. But they took those. They said they weren't appropriate for someone in my delicate mental state. They happened to be some of my favorite books, but whatever.

So the only books I had left were Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Twilight, The Knife of Never Letting Go, and a book of poems by T.S. Elliot.

So I pulled those books out and set them on the bedside table. I unpacked some clothes and set them on the end of my bed. I shoved my bag under the bed and laid down. And I sighed.

I closed my eyes, and when I opened them a few minutes later the other girl in the room was standing over me, a look of confusion on her face.

"Aaagghh!" I jumped up scootched back quickly, breathing heavily.

"Oh my god, dude I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you I was just-"

Someone rushed in the door at that moment, a woman with long black hair. "What's wrong?"

The other girl stepped away from the bed and smiled sheepishly. "I'm sorry, I just scared her, I wasn't trying to… I just…" she started to cry.

The woman rushed up to her and tried calming her down.

After a minute, the girl stopped crying and the woman left, promising to return and check on us in a little bit.

The girl turned her red-rimmed eyes to me, and whispered "I'm sorry."

I whispered back "It's no big deal. I'm sorry I upset you."

The girl smiled a bit. "I was just trying to get a good look at you, I was wondering why... er… I mean…"

"What?"

She looked even shyer all of a sudden "Please don't get offended…"

"I won't."

"Well I was wondering why an anorexic was in this end of the building. This is the wing for cutters and other self injurers."

I blushed and looked down at my concave stomach. "I'm not anorexic."

"So do you… cut?"

I nodded.

"My name is Maxie."

"I'm Jacquelyn."

"Nice to meet you. Pretty name by the way."

I blushed again "I like yours too."

I sat down on my bed and Maxie looked hesitant. "You can sit down next to me if you want."

Maxie smiled gratefully and said "This is my second day here. I haven't met anyone besides the nurses and my new therapist. So you're the first person my age. Actually… you're the first cutter I've ever talked to."

I nodded "Same, I've never met anyone else who does it."

Maxie looked down and coughed nervously "Can I see your arm?"

"How do you know I cut my arm?"

"Because it's nearly 90 degrees outside and your wearing long sleeves."

"Oh."

"So…"

I stared at my covered arm a minute, and then pulled down my arm-warmers. Maxie nodded and ran her finger gently across my arms. I didn't wince.

"Can I see yours?" I asked.

She nodded and rolled up her sleeve. I bit my lip as I saw the deep gashed. Almost as bad as mine. I didn't reach out to touch hers.

The black-haired lady came back in and smiled at us, she then saw that both of are arms were showing and her smile faded.

"Darlings." She whispered. "It's time for dinner."