Two swans were on the ground in a puddle of their own blood after being bludgeoned to death by a pair of baseball bat wielding thugs. One of them, Richard looked down and said, "What do you think?"
His friend Michael said, "Two dead birds lying in the turd!"
The two thugs laughed as they proceed to urinate on the dead swans.
What Michael and Richard didn't realize is that they won't get away from the actions they have made as nature made sure of it.
Few days after the swan beating incident which was covered by the news (resulting in the few NYPD officers what weren't busy attacking the OWS protesters apprehending the wrong suspects), leading to a massive media frenzy, Michael was sitting outside enjoying his bowl of oatmeal. But then a a red-tailed hawk known as "Pale Male" came down and snatched away his favorite Dallas Cowboys cap he won at the raffle. As Michael went to chase the red-tailed hawk, the bird suddenly let go and drops the cap into the middle of the street. Michael ran to retrieve the cap when a SUV came by with the driver yelling, "Move out of the way you jackass!"
After retrieving his cap, Michael returned to finish his bowl of oatmeal. However, what Michael didn't realize was that his orange tabby cat named "Flozell" mistook the bowl for a litter box. Because Michael happened to have a health condition which caused to be unable to taste, he didn't notice what he was eating and went on to finish the bowl, even licking the bottom before putting it back into the cabinet without washing it (a bad habit of Michael's as his parents would try to disipline him but in the end they gave up because there's no use).
Few days later, Michael got sick and would slowly waste away day by day for the next few months, reducing him into nothing but a skin-covered skeleton muttering the same two words over and over...
Meanwhile in Boston, Richard who have moved away shortly before Michael's illness was at high school when his friend's death happened. As Richard was busy extorting his high school classmates for their lunch money, he unsuspectingly attempted to mug a person who happened to be an amateur boxer coming for a visit of his old school. After some broken ribs, blackened left eye, broken nose, and damaged pelvis, Richard would no longer try to extort money from other people ever again.
However, the lesson was far from over...
A year later, Richard was playing basketball at the nearby park when he noticed a group of junior high school students playing tennis. With a smug grin on his face, Richard went to do what he does best, being a dick to anyone he believed are below him. He figured that maybe he should have a little fun by introducing them to his version of "streetball" by chucking a basketball at a young girl from behind, knocking her over. Instead of kneeling over and cry like he was expecting her to, the girl got up and said, "What the heck is your problem?" before giving him a strong shove.
Surprised by the force of the shove the girl gave him, Richard became angry and said, "Yo bitch, do you realize who you're messin' with?"
"I don't care if you're the next LeBron James, you have no right to do that!"
Annoyed at how the girl talked back at him, Richard was ready to punch her when someone grabbed him full nelson and said, "If you're going to mess with my little sister, you have another think coming bro!"
Then the girl's brother proceed to perform the German surplex on Richard, resulting in severe injuries to his upper body, especially his head. It would take Richard a month to recover as he wasn't allowed to move for the first week as a safety precaution.
One year later, after being expelled from the school for committing a despicable crime of claiming that "Jim Phelps" from the "Mission: Impossible" movie was the same Jim Phelps from the original television series just so he could see how the teachers and the principal would react, the former high school student wandered all over the city when he came across a group of people holding picket signs with messages that includes, "GOD HATES FAGS!", "THANK GOD FOR DEAD SOLDIERS!", and "KOBE IS BETTER THAN MICHAEL JORDAN!"
Fascinated by the signs, Richard went to one of the members of the picketers and said, "Hey, what is this about?"
"We are the members of the Westboro Baptist Church fighting against the evils that have been plaguing this country for centuries!"
"The evils we have been battling against are fags! Those abominations have taken control of this country, there's no hope and one day God will smite them all along with those who doesn't hate them irrationally!"
With his interest at it's peak, Richard then asked, "Where do I sign up to join?"
Suddenly, the crowd began to part as an elderly man with a cowboy hat started to walk toward Richard with a smile and said, "Hello, my name is Fred Phelps, the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church." as he held out his hand.
Richard quickly shook his hand and everyone cheered.
"Okay now, before you become a full member, there's one thing you have to do," said Phelps.
"What's that?" said Richard.
Phelps then takes out a small bird from his pocket and said, "What you need to do is to kill this thing..."
Richard was stunned, after all when it comes to a catch, he never thought it would be so easy. His last few years have been tough on him, but now it seems that everything's being handed to him on a silver platter. Life couldn't be getting any better than this for Richard and for a brief moment, he started to think about Michael. Whatever happened to Michael and why hadn't he contact him for years? But then he shrugged and figured that maybe Michael didn't have the time to send a letter or something because he was too busy. All Richard knew is that had his friend been with him, he would have been estatic since not many people get to have a chance to do what he was going to do under the approval of a large group of people.
Richard was ready to stab the bird with his switchblade when he started to notice something strange. His view became distorted and next thing the thug knew, he found himself sitting in a courtroom filled with anamorphic birds. The thug couldn't believe what he was seeing, a room full of human sized birds...what in the world is going on here? Could it be a bad dream? Sure that it was a dream, Richard pinched himself to no avail, causing him to believe that the pain wasn't enough to wake him up so he took out a switchblade and stabbed himself in the thigh.
"Silence!" someone squawked.
To his horror, Richard finally realize it's not a dream...he's being tried by a bunch of birds!
The thug looked around to see if it's a trick only to be disappointed and surprised that there wasn't a raccoon accompanying a blue jay for some reason...
"Richard Barr, you are hearby charged for your vicious crimes committed with your friend, Michael Adams, how do you plead?" a falcon squawked.
Richard stood up despite the pain in his leg and yelled, "What the fuck is this? I didn't do nothing wrong and what kind of prank your leader Fred Phelps is pulling? Those costumes are creepy as hell and not only that, h-"
A bald eagle cuts in and said, "You're right, it is a trick...we disguised ourselves as the human group we believe would attract you so we would be able to confirm that you were Michael's accomplice in these heinous crimes that were committed."
Then a goose added, "Also, we're working together because in this particular time, we are united, don't you remember your people's motto? United we stand and divided we fall...although you humans have been divided for quite a while."
Richard tried to say something, but he wasn't able to think of anything to say. Then he realized something...something had indeed happened to Michael!
"Wait, about Michael...what did you guys do to him?" he demanded.
"Your friend have been staying quiet for a while, in the Cypress Hills Cemetary," answered the eagle.
"NO!" Richard screamed.
Several birds including his assigned lawyer (who hated his job) had to restrain him until he stops struggling.
"Son, your friend got what he deserved, we're giving you a chance to redeem yourself but this depends on whether if you have a remorse for what you have done." the eagle said.
Richard looked up at the eagle in extreme hatred and said, "You bastards...you killed him...YOU KILLED HIM!"
He continued to struggle to the point of exhaustion and then the eagle said, "This isn't remorse for the birds you helped killed, this is a remorse for your friend who brought you down...don't make the same mistake he made!"
"FUCK YOU!" Richard screamed.
"We're willing to give you a chance and this is our final offer, turn this down then there is no turning back!" the eagle warned.
"YOU CAN TAKE YOUR OFFER AND SHOVE IT! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE! JUST KILL ME!"
The eagle slowly nods and said, "Very well then..."
Soon the birds who held Richard down to restrain him let go and then a large flock of smaller birds came and began to swarm at the thug. Richard tried to run but for some reason, his legs just wouldn't move, it's like they're frozen stiff even though aside from the stab wound, there was nothing wrong with them. Richards looks on helplessly as the birds swarm upon him and then it's all dark...
"Welcome Richard Barr, we have been waiting for your arrival, feel free to make yourself feel at home!" a gravely voice assured.
Richard wakes up and found himself in what seemed to be a large underground cave filled with fire, brimstone, and magma...
"WELCOME TO HELL!" someone laughed.
Richard turned and saw a hideous looking creature taunting him.
"Where the hell am I?" he demanded.
"What the hell do you think?" the creature asked.
"You don't mean this is..."
"You're not very bright are you? Anyway, let me take you on a tour before I can take you to your room where you will be staying for the entire eternity."
Then Richard's body started to move on it's own, following the creature on a tour throughout the fiery underworld. After spending what seemed to be years following the creature around hell, they finally made their way to the final stop at the mountain decorated with infinite doors. The creature pointed his finger at one door and said, this room is where Kálmán Cseh von Szent-Katolna now resides as things are now hot for him..."
Then the points his finger at the other door, "The home of Osama Bin Laden, he didn't receive his 72 virgins but we gave him something just as good," as a bloodcurling scream is being heard from behind the door.
Then the creature points his finger at the door next to it, "Where the members of the 1965 Pulitzer Prize committee lives, we made sure things are comfortable for them..."
Richard gulped and said, "So...I'm going to live in one of the doors...right?"
"Exactly," said the creature before adding, "Follow me!"
Richard had to sprint in order to keep up with the creature as he started to fly and at one point, it looked as if he got lost only for his body to find its way to were the monster stood. The creature gave Richard a smug grin, points his finger at the door that suddenly appeared right beside him and said, "Here we are Richard, this is your new home, prepare to rest up for today as tomorrow will be the beginning of your eternal torment reserved just for you...not only that, we also have a roommate waiting for you as well so be sure to keep him company!"
Richard walks into the door and to his surprise, his friend, Michael is sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the television.
"Michael...is that you?" Richard said nervously.
Michael turns and said, "Hello Richard..."
"Michael...the place...how is it? Is the torment going to be as bad as the guy said it would be?"
"No, this place is actually great, we had tons of fun and sometimes we get to party, but of course, it's not for everyone."
Richard breathed a sign of relief and smiled while figuring that "Not for everyone" meant the people in heaven are now living boring eternity while they themselves gets to live it up in hell. But then, the thug suddenly felt something wrong...it's like a jolt being shot through his ears...but why? Why the weird feeling? Then there's a loud scream and Richard went to take a look out of the door and saw a demon riding a motocycle with chains dragging the helpless victim down the road. Upon a more closer look, Richard would soon realize that the victim is in fact...Michael!
The door quickly shuts itself and disappeared.
Richard turned around and saw Michael sitting on the bed smiling.
"Michael...what the hell is going on here? Why did I saw you being dragged outside?" Richard stammered.
"I sorry to disappoint you Richard Barr, while your torment was supposed to start tomorrow, I say it starts now!" said "Michael" as he pulls off the mask to reveal his true identity.
Richard slid to the ground and started to piss himself at what he just saw.
"Oh yes, yes, yes...YES, YES, YES!"
Moral: Bird is the word and you're full of turd!