December 2010

.

Mr. G.

.

So many choices I am facing

As time slows to a total stop

As imagination replaces sunlight

And feeling's voice replaces thought

Everything's becoming darker

No more light and no more sound

I fall within to total blackness

And in the spider's web I'm found –

As my eyes open looking 'round

Up at the sky, down at the ground

For just one moment I am meant to be

Free.

.

(I miss you, A.)

.

If I could stop inside this moment

I'd weave it like a web of silk

I'd catch within it all my sorrow

And all my pain and all my guilt

I'd turn around and start to run

Somewhere that I'd never be sought

I'd steal back my time and heart and love

My soul and body, will and thought.

.

So many choices I am facing

As time continues standing still

So violent is my hatred raging

For all the things you tried to kill

I'm 19 now but I feel 50

And believe me I am running there

Not that you ever did believe me

And not that you will ever care.

I'm running to escape the memories

That should have been light and carefree

Instead you covered them in darkness

Pulled out your knife and murdered me.

You ravaged me and left me crying

While saying you were doing right

But your worthless hands of deadly healing

Stole away my peace at night.

.

So to the worthless man of honor

To the worthless murdering doctor

The man charged to care for his child

Who shut the door and forced himself upon her

You wicked man of terrible disease

Who breathed his sick disease on me

Now I've been healing two long years

And still I am not free.

.

If I could stop inside this moment

I'd weave it like a web of silk

I'd catch within it all my sorrow

And all my pain and all my guilt

And I'd cast all of you from my life

And breathe freely once again

I'd wipe out all the bitter times

That never should have been

I'd go back in time and beg that I

Be placed in different hands

And live somewhere that you never go

And never fear again.

.

All my darkness, all my sorrow

All my longing for tomorrow

All my fear of yesterday

All my attempts to get away

All my hurting, all my shame

The things that will never be the same

The places I will never see

The ages I will never be

The memories I've forever missed

The girl that I have never kissed

The days I never saw the dawn

The goodbyes where I was already gone

My friends growing up and getting older

The graduation that has now long been over

The moments that I wasn't there

The good times that I didn't share

The person I can never be

And the present one of secrecy

The conversations full of laughter

The smiles shared before and after

Yes, all the times I did not go through

The things I had no chance to do

The people that are gone now, too –

I remember them and think of you.

.

Postscript.

.

Don't you understand?

Did you see anything at all?

I left you frozen half to death

Though I came to you in the fall.

I came with eyes just glistening

And I left with pouring tears

I came with moments missing

And I left with vanished years.

I came to you with a little pain -

Only my head aching

I left too hurting to even feel

And a heart already breaking.

I was only slightly bleeding

But your bandage gave me scars

Your careful attention broke my legs

And your kindness broke my heart.

Perhaps if I'm wiser I'll pretend

That I don't ever hurt again

If only to keep me so far away

From the death you called my friend.