When Potato Salad Goes Bad...
by ff_b

I, for one, will always remember the day that the potato salad went bad...

Jimmy's mother tried to warn him about it. "Would you please throw the potato salad out, Jimmy," she requested. "It's starting to go bad."

Unfortunately, Jimmy didn't listen, or perhaps his charge simply slipped his mind. The potato salad just remained in the refrigerator, worsening. It went bad, and then went way beyond bad; it became twisted, sick, and perverted, a mockery of all of its gentle potato kindred in Idaho.

No one can tell exactly when the potato salad became self-aware, and then conspired against those who had held it captive. It waited in the cold and the darkness, brooding and gathering strength, knowing that its day would come. So when Jimmy's Dad opened the refrigerator looking for a wet one, the potato salad made its move, flinging a glass casserole dish at Dad and catching him squarely on the head. The man fell like a ton of bricks, never knowing what had hit him. Reeking as badly as it had acted, the potato salad plopped to the kitchen floor and hurried to the back door, experiencing no trouble in oozing beneath it.

The family dog in the back yard looked askance at the potato salad, giving it the moment it needed to fling itself on the dog's face and penetrate the animal's brain through its eyes, nose, ears, and mouth. The dog yelped briefly in surprise and pain but was quickly assimilated. Fido, dominated by really bad potato salad, ran rampant in the streets to terrorize the neighborhood.

By accident the potato salad infected dog came across a meeting of the local Tea Party, where it was welcomed as one of the gang and encouraged to run for elected office. The potato salad hybridized dog had other plans for the immediate future, however, and calling upon its vegetative genes it sent out tendrils which burrowed into the earth. Growing like wildfire, the fields soon erupted and spawned a veritable army of hellish potato hounds.

-And what was the fiendish plan of these unspeakably unnatural creations?- -Well, when each one got wet, they not only smelled bad but their hides boiled and crawled with dozens of potatos that in turn popped off, rooting and growing into other infected potatos, each of which was readily capable of growing within and assuming control of whatever would consume it. The creatures knew that the holidays were coming, times when potatos would be consumed by humans in many different forms.

With their collective group intelligence, the potatos knew that soon they would dominate the world as infected humans would consume other life forms and spread their influence further. A human, you see, had failed to take out the garbage, and now the garbage would be taking out the humans...