I'm so tired of being at this point. So incredibly ready and yet so scared. Wanting desperately to make love and yet so scared of the consequences, of falling in love. Because falling in love hurts. I've fallen in love and have yet to rise above it again. I'm tired of being here. Suppressed by my childish fears about love and hate and passion and desire. Because I am so scared of what I have become. This monster who is so sexually excited, but still a virgin. This person who is so intimidating, yet so scared of the world. The one whose friends say that the man who gets to be with her is lucky, but is terrified when men show interest. Because my heart still belongs to you. And if you have to leave, I wish you would just LEAVE. Leave me and my shattered heart alone. Tell me once and for all that nothing more will happen between us. Your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone.
I can't seem to get over you, to get over the pain you caused my heart. I can't seem to find it in me to love anyone else. This pain is becoming physical, something rotting away inside me until I feel like the only way out will be to cause myself pain. And I don't want to. But there's just too much that time cannot erase. The secret meetings in forbidden places. The kisses in hidden corners. The sexual tension between us. Time just doesn't seem to be healing me, seem to be working at all.
I listened to your heartaches, when you fell hard for some other girl. When you told me how beautiful and wonderful she was, I hid my broken heart. When you cried about them, about how sad you were, I wiped away your tears. When you talked about cutting yourself, when you screamed, I fight away all of your fears. I held your hand through all of these years that we have known each other. And each time I gave you a piece of my heart until now you have all of me.
You used to captivate me by your nonchalance. By the way you carried yourself in a "I know I'm great" kind of way. By the resonating light of your fun and confident demeanor. Now I have gone away and I am stuck in the world of memories. In the life of high school and in my current life of trying to hold myself together when I remember you. Of wrapping my arms around myself in a desperate attempt to hold my heart together. And it never seems to work.
I used to have wonderful dreams of you. Now all they do is haunt me, turning from pleasure to rejection. I think I get over you and then my sanity is chased away again by the memory of your voice, telling me how you wanted me. Never that you loved me. I should have known better. Nobody loves me. I won't let them anymore. And you never did. Dumb of me to want you to care, dumb of me to care at all. I knew your reputation. I should have never of told you that I liked you. Never have let you do the things you did. I wouldn't be the person I am now, that's for sure. I would probably still be the bookwormish, scared person I was. That I still am. I wouldn't seem sensual at all. I wouldn't care about my looks. I wouldn't try to attract attention while at the same time try to hide from the world. I wouldn't care what the world thought of me.
I try to tell myself that you're gone. That you will never wrap your arms around me, or try to provoke a response out of me. Never will you run your hand through my hair, or tell me you want me. Never show me the response I provoked in you. And you're still with me, you're still my friend. But I've never really had you. I've been alone all along. I've never been told "I Love You" from you, never been held just for the sake of holding me. And I'll never let go of the memories.
So now I am in a paradox. And I think I know the only way to end this pain. To heal the wounds that won't seem to heal. I'll cause myself real wounds. I'll hurt myself physically to end the emotional pain. Because I think too much as it is. And I won't tell anyone else about it. Because if I do, they'll try to stop me, to tell me you aren't worth it, to tell me how they hate you when they've never even met you, never seen the difference when you are around. Except I can't even succeed at that, can't cause myself any pain. All I can do is try to express myself in art.
They hate you for the pain you cause me, while I love you all the more. They hate you for causing their friend to gaze of with a sad look upon her face, while I sit there and remember you. They hate you for teasing me with words of kindness while I cling desperately to them. So there is no way I'll tell them about causing myself pain because of you. I can't stand them hating you any more.
And I'm not a masochist, not someone who gets off on pain. I feel like I'm not deserving of happiness, like this is a way for me to make amends to the world for loving you, by causing myself this pain.
I don't let anyone tell me I'm pretty, in fact I get into fights about it. I don't let anyone comment on how pretty my eyes are, because I feel like they don't see the pain inside them. I won't let people tell me I'm skinny because they don't seem to see that I am bloated with pain and hurt. Time cannot, will not erase this pain inside me. Your presence lingers here and won't leave me alone. Please, just tell me you don't like me anymore. I mean, I know you are dating someone, and I know that you have your flings on the side. But just tell me that you don't like me, don't have the same feelings I have for you. I need the closure. I need to know that all you want is to be friends or even acquaintances. Need to know that you don't harbor the same feelings toward me that I do you. That your "sweet dreams" and "miss yous" are just for a friend. Because they cause me to cry in hope and frustration. They cause me to writhe in pain and hurt. They give me false sense of being cared for. The sense that you would care if I killed myself. They are my reason for living. And that is killing me on the inside. I need to find a new reason for living. I need to not feel like crying when I see your picture. I need to move on. But you still have all of me.