Title: Break Me Today
Note: I'm not okay.
She looks at him, watching as his fingers steeple above his chest. He relaxes back into his chair and watches her watch him. "So...how are you feeling today?" She forces the smile; it feels like broken glass etching against the inside of her mouth. She wants to tell him everything.
She wants to look at him and smile and tell him she avoids mirrors unless absolutely necessary.
She wants to tell him that she hates herself so completely that every time she looks at herself, her heart clenches in her chest and she feels like crying.
She wants to look up at him with tear-stained eyes and grimace and tell him that she feels useless, unworthy, like a complete and utter failure.
She takes a soft gulp of air, looking away and finding the scene outside his office window utterly perfect and so disarming. She wants to cry. He calls her name, and she looks at him. "Well?" She opens her mouth briefly, searches for the right words and finds herself at a loss.
"Ich hasse mich," she says softly, still smiling. Her heart cracks open in her chest. He gives her a puzzled look, and she smiles again. "I think I'm gonna be okay..." She feels like she's drowning.
He studies her, carefully searching for a lie but chooses to not look too hard. She doesn't joke; she knows as soon as the session is over, he'll be searching for the translation. Then there will be a call to her mother in the dead of the night, an emergency session scheduled, and intensive therapy for the next few weeks. The bandages on her wrists will see to it. He scribbles briefly on his notebook, glancing up at her repeatedly while doing so. Already, she can see the worry etched into his face, and she forces yet another smile. Finally, he relents and waves her away. An orderly takes her back to her room, and she waits.
The little grimace of a smile meanders back across her lips.
It feels good to finally say it aloud, to finally admit that she really does hate herself.