It just had to happen now

We're at a fancy place

They're telling jokes

Laughing about something

They all look so excited

And happy

They definitely look happy

And I'm just here

Not feeling happy

But not sad either

And probably not looking

Half as excited as them

And it's because the emptiness

Well it just had to pop up now

The night that we go out

The night we actually try

To act like a family

The night nothing is supposed to go wrong

Something we never get

And I'm going to ruin it

Because I'm such a freak

Goose bumps cover my arms

And I'm trying

I'm really trying to laugh at their jokes

To smile when I should

To not reach out

And hold my brother with a death grip

Because if I do that

He'll know right away

What's going on

But I'm not really succeeding

I'm going through my

"I don't feel anything,

I'm just existing" phase

Which makes it hard

Really hard

To seem happy for them

They've had to go through this before

Had to suffer with me

And I can't have that now

So I continue to try

But there's something off

And mom can tell

She has that look

The one that means

She knows there is something wrong

She knows

All I really want

I mean I really want it

I want to go home and curl up

Curl up in a little ball and




Because this not feeling thing

This deep emptiness that's there

Is ruining everything

Dad starts looking at me all serious

Like he knows exactly what's going on

In my head

And he probably does

Both he and mom


Has had to

See me

Hear me

Watch me

Dissolve before their eyes





But I'm trying

Trying to look back without screaming

Because all I want to do is scream

Scream until I can't anymore

Scream until my throat burns

Scream until I actually start to feel

I just want to feel something

Now they all see it

My brother too

And they're looking so sad

And it's all my fault

I try to say that I just need some air

Some real air

Because the air in here

Is suffocating me

But that's not true

It isn't the air

It's me

I'm suffocating myself

With the emptiness

And I'm taking them down with me

I try to tell myself

I just need to get through this night

My family doesn't need this

Tonight is special

We're supposed to be celebrating

But I'm so far under

I can't even remember why

We went out in the first place

I would be angry

But the emptiness

Really isn't letting me feel much of anything

I'd rather be angry

Before we even order

My parents decide to take me home

Even after

I still try

To hold it in

To smile

To tell them I'm alright

When we get to the house

They tell me

"Maybe next time"

But we all know

There will never be a next time

As long as I'm like this

Once inside my room

I cry


I scream

Until I can't anymore

And yet

I still manage

To feel absolutely