Don't try this at home, kids.


"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Just make sure to stab with an upward motion."

-Sir Dr. Rev. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA (August 15, 2008)

Dan was driving his Prius on the way to scenic Niagara Falls when someone waved for him to stop. It was a seventeen-year-old clutching a map, appearing to need directions. Dan smiled helpfully as he slowed his sissy little car to a gentle halt.

"Excuse me, sir, can you…?" The teenager suddenly plunged a switchblade into the Prius driver's chest. "HA! KNIFE IN YOUR HEART!"

Dan widened his eyes in shock. His last words were: "You… sick… jerk…!"

Larry the teenage killed strolled away with his hands shoved into his hoodie pockets. He surveyed the area, almost certain that there had been no witnesses. Oh, he hated witnesses. They made such a big deal out of everything: "Ooh! You just shot my husband!" "Dear me! You ran over my granny!" "OH MY FREAKING GOD! WHY WOULD YOU STAB A BABY?"

The teenage killer frowned as he spotted a lady up on the mountain ridge. She was standing at the binoculars, where she would have a perfect view of the murder. He ambled uphill, deciding to confront her.

"Hey, lady," he said, tapping her on the shoulder. "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the-lady-with-glasses asked, turning away from the binoculars.

"That," said Larry, pointing to the bloody Prius parked a few hundred yards downhill.

Roberta—that was the lady's name—couldn't see the crime scene with her impaired vision. "Here," said Larry, guiding her back to the binoculars and positioning them so she could see the gruesome murder site.

"Oh good Lord!" Roberta cried, grabbing the railing to support herself.

"Now I gotta kill you," Larry grumbled, shoving her over the railing and off the cliff. He whirled around, checking for witnesses.

On the stretch of road a directly behind him, a man driving a white ice cream truck had seen the whole thing, his mouth gaping in horror and his face sickly pale. He hastily rolled up his window and floored the gas pedal of his van.

"ICE CREAM MAN!" Larry cursed after him. At an almost inhuman speed, the murderer caught up to the vehicle and clambered onto its hood.

But Paolo the ice cream man was used to shaking rabid, usually obese children off his van and Larry was no different. With a few sharp swerves, the deranged assailant was thrown from the truck.

Paolo ran a red light (and soon after crashed a firehouse, where his vehicle ironically exploded into flames). A grandma driving a litter of newborn kittens to the vet in her station wagon veered to avoid the speeding ice cream truck. She ended up skidding off the road, and then crashed into an orphanage run by elderly nuns.

"Wow," said Larry. "Epic fail."

He got up, dusted himself off, and disposed of any surviving orphans that might have been potential witnesses. He looked around for any witnesses to the murder of those potential witnesses.

Behind him was a collie dog, sitting and whining. She barked at Larry before turning around and running away.

"COME BACK, LASSIE!" Larry screamed, scrambling after the dog. If she testified in court, he would never get out of jail!

So the teenager pursued the canine to a nice family-friendly park, where he hit the collie over the head with a 2x4 that he happened to have. He checked for witnesses.

A few hundred feet before him stood Mackenzie Ellen Sue, who still had a bad habit of sucking her thumb. She withdrew her finger from her mouth long enough to shriek, "Hey! You killed a puppy!"

Larry casually waltzed over to the eight-year-old. He gasped and pointed behind her, his eyes wide, and called out, "Look! Over there!"

As Mackenzie Ellen Sue turned to look, Larry swung an aluminum baseball bat into her skull. He checked around for witnesses.

The soccer mom of Mackenzie Ellen Sue was way too pissed off to mourn her thumb-sucking daughter's untimely death at the moment. She charged Larry and likely would have killed him, too. But Larry knew that you kill a soccer mom the same you way kill a zombie: chop the goddamn head off. So, with a HUGE double-headed executioner's beheading axe, he did so.

Larry was exhausted. Drenched in blood, he flopped down on the grass. With the last of his strength, he checked for witnesses.

In the sky was an armada of UFO's, hell-bent on invading the Earth. But they had grown bored of work and decided to amuse themselves by watching the young psychopath run about the county, slaughtering innocent people as he went. Technically, thought Larry, they're witnesses.

"This is gonna be a toughie," he sighed, already loading his machine gun.

The End ;)