Rose McGowan- learn to choose boyfriends who don't borrow your favorite black lipstick.1

Courtney Love- perform all strip teases in cheesy bars or the privacy of your own home, preferrably not in front of your 13 year old daughter's friends. Also, come up with a better excuse for needle tracks than "the cat scratched me"2

Gwyneth Paltrow, Courteney Cox, David Arquette- resolve to resist the urge to name children after your favorite food. Coco may not be so cute when that baby is 14. And Apple might work for Fiona, but I doubt she'd be so famous if it was her first name.3

Janet Jackson- invest in a restrictive sports bra and KEEP IT ON AT ALL TIMES.4

Britney Spears- with all that money, surely you can afford to buy a maternity wardrobe that covers you. Now that that's over with, resolve to do so with the next pregnancy. Resolution number 2: invest in a pair of flip flops so you don't have to walk to gas station restrooms barefoot ever again. 5

Winona Ryder: steal from Family Dollar or some other cheapo place with no security cameras rather than the most expensive store ever6

Jesse Camp: invest in a comb and some mousse as well as a good hairdresser.7

Liz Hurley: Stop bragging that you are 40, 5'8, and weigh 120 pounds. NO ONE CARES HOW ANOREXIC YOU ARE. Less is more. Except when it comes to body weight, than less is just less.8

Nicole Richie: Don't except other guys' phone numbers while on a date with your boyfriend. That is sheer stupidity.9
Pamela Anderson: Decide all ready what size you want your boobs to be. Do you want implants or not? Put them in, take them out, put them in again, you have to be the most indecisive person ever. 10

Angelina Jolie: PLEASE keep all displays of love for your brother strictly in private. So far you've been doing an admirable job of this, keep it up!11

Paris Hilton: learn to stow all sex tapes in wayyy secret spots rather in a place where the tabloids can quite easily get them. That goes for ipods too. Oh, and take a trip to Wal Mart- you may be shocked by what you'll find.12

Jessica Simpson: study the anatomy of a buffalo. I believe you will be astonished to see it doesn't have wings. And PlEASE find alternate clothes to wash your car in.13

Ashlee Simpson- if your "throat is sore", cancel your show. Period. Don't lipsynch- and don't blame others when you get caught.14

Cameron Diaz- Before you dance and sing to " Baby got back", YOU GOTTA GET A BUTT. Don't shake your nonbutt and offend us big butted people. So your resolution is to get a butt.15

Mary-kate Olson: Find some more flattering clothes, because draping yourself in curtains does not hide the fact that you are severely skinny.16

Tom Cruise- if you feel an urgent need to jump, run home. Jump on your trampoline- not on national TV, on couches- TWICE.1

Marilyn Manson- go to anger management. Life isn't as bad as you think. Go out in the sun once in a while- you may feel (gasp) happy! While you're at it, have a doctor check your pulse, to make sure you are in fact alive, and not just a corpse. 3

Christina Aguilera- please be nice to your hair. Stop dying and teasing it and cornrowing it and whatever else you've done to torture it to unnaturalness. It will thank you later. And please, please, stop trying to prove just how dirrrty you can be. We can guess, and some things are better left off to the imagination of perverts than displayed to all.5

William Hung- invest in a tape recorder. After recording yourself singing, listen to it. Over and over. Until it finally enters your skull how we all feel.6

Jim Carrey- see a psychiatrist. Anyone who can be so idiotic is either mentally ill or so damaged by childhood abuse they must never allow a serious moment to occur. and the body twist suggest you may also be demon possessed.9

Jennifer Lopez- before making a song about how you're the same person you always were, sit down and consider whether that's true. I think you'll find most people from the Bronx don't own fur, 3 million dollar rings, and demand perfume to be sprayed wherever they go, Jenny from the block.10

Tara Reid- take a look at yourself, then at Courtney Love. Do you see where you might be in 10 years? Do you want that? Go to rehab!11

Dakota Fanning's parents- give the child a break! She's what, 11? and made five movies a year since she was 5? She's going to collapse or have a nervous breakdown or get anorexia one day. Give her more time off.12

Tonya Harding- next time aim for the head, so any victims cannot recover and beat you in skating.13

Lara Flynn Boyle- never, ever wear a bikini again. You could crack an exposed rib if a wave hits too rough.14

Kelly Ripa- join a preteen cheerleading squad. Trust me, you'll fit right in and look much more natural than you do now.15