Some of my musings before/after/instead of cutting.

TRIGGER WARNING: Don't read if this will trigger you.


Between me and the rest of the world there is a stupid piece of metal. Even saying it, it sounds stupid. I sound stupid. I am stupid, because all those months ago, I thought self harm was a good idea. That one time, when everything got too much, I picked up a blade. Once turned into twice, and then there was the time after that, and the time after that. And eventually, I ended up here. A clueless teenage self-harmer who by rights should be so happy right now, but who can't seem to manage it. This relationship is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Everything is going so right, but every time I believe I'm on track, I start to feel like this. I can feel the 'real' me fading, but it takes too much effort to cling onto her. It makes me too tired. It's too much for me to fight on my own. I told myself for so long that I could do it, that I could stop doing this, on my own. I understand- and accept- that this isn't true. I'm strong, but nobody is that strong. I have to let people in, I have to trust them. With my friends behind me, I can get through this. But not tonight. Tonight, I need that release the blade offers.