I thought I was past this stage, I really did. But maybe not. It's all I can think about, it's taking over again. I can't afford it to. I have deadlines, I have exams. I need to study, I need to get my coursework done. But it's so distracting. I got rid of my blades, and I thought that along with that I got rid of the temptation. Apparently not.
It was all going so well, but now I'm struggling. I want him to hug me, to hold me and promise me that it's all going to be okay. But I haven't even told him about this. He said if I relapsed that he didn't think he could take it. I don't want to put him through it again.
I was getting better. The cutting stopped. Then the pinching and scratching it was replaced with stopped too. But that's back now. And my twisted mind doesn't want it to end there. Some part of my brain wants blood. The calming sight that kept me going for so long. It's been building up and building up. I keep trying to ignore it but it's not working. The urge to find a blade, to drive it into my flesh, is growing stronger by the day.
There are scissors sitting on the table in front of me, my left foot is resting on the handle. I could pick them up right now, make a cut. Watch the blood seep out, drip… drip…drip… But I won't. I'm stronger than this. I know I am. I need to remind myself that I'm better than this. I relapsed once, I don't want to fall into that trap again.
I won't let it take over again. I WON'T. I WON'T. I WON'T. I'm a stronger person now, and he is not worth losing.