I hate this uncertainty
knowing only that this
is out of my hands

I long for control,
for some way of
reassuring myself

The knife is just sitting there
staring me down
waiting for my inevitable collapse

It knows it will win
and so do I
so do I

Because it's the only way
to make myself feel better
even just mentally

I'll hurt,
but I'll be in control
of the pain, of my life

I'll know why
it hurts
and I won't cry

I could.
No one would have
to know.

I just want to find
some way of stopping
all these what-ifs

My mind won't quiet
and my body hurts
this is not a good combination