People say time heals everything.
All you have to do is wait and be patient.
You have to have faith, they say.
But being sat down and told the truth,
That leaves little room to be hopeful.
When you hear your parents argue about it.
When you hear your father stumble home drunk because of it.
Or when you hear your mother cry herself to sleep because of it.
How can you have hope?
If the people who lifted you up when you fell,
Have fallen under their emotions.
Those three words unleashed my primal fear.
What if I wasn't one of the lucky ones?
Sometimes even the brave fall.
There is no point lying to ourselves.
There is no point pretending and playing make-believe,
Because there is no point in trying to run from it.
Week after week in the same place,
But these familiar walls evoke such a strong sense of fear that I feel like I'm drowning.
I feel lost in my life which seems to be cascading around me.
I feel alone like I was singled out.
I feel ugly.
People stare at me, with pity in their eyes.
While my eyes drain away the hope and life that was once there.
By one look they know what I have,
They haven't been there to understand, but they do understand.
I just want to pull my hair out and scream.
I hate this! I hate this! I hate living like this!
But in the end there is no time for tears.
The whirlpool between home and this place seemed like a vicious circle.
I kept getting dragged here to do it all over again like a serious case of deja vu.
Now I'm no longer lying awake at night hearing hidden sobs and drunken screams.
Now I'm here, crying and screaming at night for the pain to end.
Those last looks, those last conversations, those last wishes.
I want to relive them all but before I go I just wanted to say sorry.
I'm sorry I won't be here mum and dad.
Because my name's Faith,
And I have cancer.