I can't remember the last time I smiled,
Before the tears ran and I got lost in the fray.
I hide behind a mask of composure,
So I don't die with every word that you say.
I cry behind closed walls, away from unforgiving strangers;
I can't find the voice inside me to tell them that everything is not fine.
When I shy away from laughing eyes to sit alone and contemplate on secrets I'm not able to off-load,
You look for me and find me alone on the floor, not seeing the hidden weights that drag me down.
Those sympathetic eyes look at me cautiously; you don't know why I'm so quiet.
Of course to you, my friend, I'll always be okay no matter what heart break comes my way.
I have to be fine and not let the lies erode my heart into tiny specks of dust.
If I let the poison that intoxicates my life eat me alive then how can I move past it?
How can I break free of the prison I'm trapped in? How can I run away from the monsters under my bed? How can I stop the voices eating me up inside?
If I put on a brave fast, move past the things that hold me back just for an hour, just for a day then maybe I can pretend that they're not real. That they were nightmares.
I feel as empty as a raindrop dripping down my check, walking endless in circles hoping to find some direction to go.
All I can hear is that one question you asked me. I see those soft brown eyes of yours begging me for the truth but how can I tell you?
How can I risk losing you? I know if I told you everything you'd look at me differently.
I would see that flicker of change in your eyes, knowing that you have some preconceived idea that I know fit.
I don't want to lose the ignorance we're floating around and maybe I can try to banish the secrets that lock my lips.
I close my eyes and lay down to the beat of my heart and the tap of the rain and hope just for one night that the shouting inside my head would just stop.