It's like I suffocate inside.
I watch as the world goes by, still and silent. I watch as emotion passes through others but somehow leaves me behind. It's like being trapped behind a wall of thick glass, screaming and pounding at the glass but no one can hear you. I can't breathe and I feel like I'm drowning. But it's strange how I stand, alive, breathing and watching everyone.
It's strange. Turmoil of feelings numbed by rage, disappointment and what else… regret. Regret at something I should have realized long ago. Perhaps, I did realize, I just didn't want to admit it. These wounds, they leave me vulnerable. A wounded animal. Ten times fierce and angry. This gaping wound in me, ripped from my soul. There's nothing that can fill this void.
This emptiness that grows day by day. I want out. But what is out? I close my eyes to sleep and perhaps this is out. I close my eyes to escape. But in reality, I am still there. I cannot escape, because this hole in me follows me, wherever I go. For a flicker of chance, I smile and forget this unhealing wound in me. But the moment has passed and the feeling returns with a vengeance.
These feelings in me, roll and turn like dark, hot, molten lava under a flimsy layer that could be ripped open anytime. And I fear. I fear that when this thin film of illusion is ripped the roiling contents will not stop pouring out, gushing out and burning me. Not just me, the people around me that I care about. Please, not them. Not the ones I love. Why is it that we are hurt by the ones we love but hurt the ones who love us? Love is giving a person a chance to break your heart, but giving them the doubt that they wouldn't.
I walk through my day, hearing but not listening, looking but not seeing. Some days the rage and the fury won't abate. And I'm forced to take desperate measures. But this is rare. It only takes one look, one word to spin me out of control, to send me flying from a carefully built barrier. I built a wall, a silo, to protect my most vulnerable. An iron wrought gate, chains and concrete reinforced with steel to protect my bleeding heart. Around that a castle so high it touches a whisper of the sky. Built with bricks and lime. Only to find out it crumbled like sand the very next day.
My other half, a pale, weak and shivering apparition. Created from regret, disappointment and hurt. Mostly pain though. A pathetic soul who cannot live or breathe. When her dark eyes reach mine- I can't look at her. Shame at what I should have done months ago stares back at me. This result, this creature radiates cold, suffering and longing. She draws me in with her beckoning eyes and thin hands. But I don't want to face her. (I can't face her) I lock her in behind a thick door, laced with the strongest metals and a padlock. But she grows stronger every day. I know one day I will have to face her and brave the longing that emits so strongly from her very presence.
A longing to be held and comforted. To whisper sweet nothings, to care and to be loved for eternity. She cannot be loved. But beyond the castle and into reality, I try and fail at hiding the dark skies that reside within me. I open my mouth to speak of the turmoil and pain. But close them, because I cannot speak of words that do not exist.
How can people say they understand? How could they, when I can't make sense of this blindness myself? I wish everyday to take myself back to a date in the past, to correct what I should've because maybe if I wish long and hard enough, maybe it will come true.