I always say that I'll finish this story and then years go by. Anyways, that's the aim.
Their relationship was the new status quo. Sometimes it felt like the whole school had reconfigured to deal with their coupling. Sienna noticed it in the way she was suddenly catapulted into someone worth knowing, worth speaking and being spoken to. She noticed it in the way that people always expected to see James by her side whenever she entered a room, and if he wasn't there, she was always asked about his whereabouts. It's almost like they had become one person, like she had become an extension of James, an appendage—It was jarring.
But then there were amazing moments. She loved how she could just freely love him and how simple it felt. It wasn't a statement or a stance, she wasn't proving anything to anyone, she was just in love. And every day when he kissed her, or hugged her, or held her hand at school, she felt immeasurably happy. Alive and present.
At school, she loved him and he loved her. At parties and other social gatherings, he loved her and she loved him. At home, whether hers or his, they still loved each other, even though the situation was infinitely more complicated. They always had to be careful about aunt Gem and his dad. Life outside these houses was bliss, and they were free to show each other ubiquitous affection. But in the presence of their parents, they always had to remain diligent. It became easy and necessary to lie.
To aunt Gem and Jack, it seemed like they were trying to adjust to their upcoming nuptials. They were being cordial and trying to repair a lost friendship. In secret, James and Sienna shared kisses, bodies and promises. On weekends when they spent the nights at Jack's house, James would sneak into the guest bedroom where Sienna slept. On those nights, the things to be kept secrets grew.
It was what being young, dumb and in love was all about. Fun and exciting for sure, but immeasurably complicated. And the time was ticking to tell Gemma and Jack. For neither knew what it would mean, not only for their relationship but for Gemma and Jack's.
And now that they were officially together, Sienna had been spending more time with his friends. Her and Brady were merely cordial, but she got along magically with Kyle and Thomas. Things were still tense with Olivia but that had been expected.
When James asked her if she wanted to hang out with Olivia and Kyle one Friday night, she'd reluctantly agreed. But on the night, as the four of them got drunk off cheap beers and ate homemade nachos, Sienna and Olivia jumped across a hurdle that neither of them had known existed.
As the two girls joked with each other about their childhood, Sienna felt a lightness she hadn't felt in a long time. James watched them with a small smile on his face, happy to see them interacting joyously with each other again.
"You know, you guys are actually pretty cute with each other." Kyle observed, smiling at both Sienna and Olivia.
"Right?" Olivia giggled, toasting her beer can against Sienna's.
"We really are." Sienna agreed, her smile unwavering.
James nodded his head towards Kyle, "we're dating the two most beautiful girls' in school. We're pretty damn lucky."
Olivia rolled her eyes "If you don't stop being a goofball..."
"Seriously James," Sienna giggled, "but it's okay. I like it when you're corny."
"Yeah?"
Sienna nodded, "Always."
"Can you guys eye fuck each other elsewhere?" Olivia interjected, and Kyle audibly agreed.
"You're free to avert your eyes." James shrugged, still grinning at Sienna.
Olivia chuckled, "You're free to leave my house."
James laughed, "Ohhhh, so it's like that?"
"I didn't sign up to see James and Sienna love tapes, so yeah it's like that." Olivia joked, lighthearted and happy.
Sienna nodded, agreeing. "Fair enough, we really should be charging people for that kind of thing."
Kyle spat out his beer and guffawed. James smiled in surprise, he lived for these moments when Sienna was an enigma, surprising everyone around her.
"Well, well, Sienna you really are a freak. I love it." Olivia approved, grinning from ear to ear.
"You guys haven't seen anything yet, Sienna's a daredevil." James admitted, and he and Sienna looked at each other and smiled. Some of their secrets would never be spoken aloud, and that was a thrill neither could describe.
"Okay, you freaky weirdos. Can we just drink beer and eat nachos and be chill? Unlike most people, I like to mind my own business." Kyle suggested, grabbing a handful of nachos.
James nodded, "We never had any intention of telling you guys anything, so sounds good to me."
"Goddamnit Kyle! Now I know it would've been good." Olivia complained and the rest of them laughed.
Aunt Gem being aunt Gem, she obsessed over everything. But when it came to her wedding, her disposition for all things fanatical kicked into high gear. She bought various bridal magazines and books, and had borrowed a ridiculous number of books from the library on all things to do with weddings. From the dress to venues, to flower arrangements and bridesmaids, aunt Gem resembled a crazed lunatic. Sienna hardly recognized her aunt.
She was however responsible to help in whatever manner deemed necessary. So, she spent far too much time browsing books and magazines, going to food tastings, finding bridal shops up and down the coast within a 100-mile radius.
All this left her with far too much to do, and seriously limited any time she had for anyone not named James. Sienna felt immeasurably guilty for this, and so she'd dragged Isobel and Lara into her aunt's crazy circle of wedding mania. But neither seemed particularly interested or excited to browse through countless magazines, instead they preferred to sit around and talk about parties and boys, and the ailments that either had given them.
It was with that in mind that Sienna decided to ask for Olivia's help instead. When Olivia had agreed, Sienna was both surprised and relieved, having expected her childhood best friend to politely decline. And so began the afternoons of the two of them, along with aunt Gem, preparing for a perfect fall wedding. Together they went through magazines, drove to bridal shops, liaised with vendors and artisans.
Those afternoons and evenings brought back a friendship that Sienna believed had perished years ago. But it hadn't, rather it had been severely malnourished, but their newfound camaraderie allowed them to nourish a friendship that had been languishing for a long time.
When they prepared at Olivia's house, they were often joined by her mum. It was a reunion that Sienna never knew she'd needed until it happened.
On one of those afternoons, as the three of them sat in the kitchen of Olivia's house, they spoke about Sienna's predicament. Each day that passed was a missed opportunity to tell aunt Gem, and each day her guilt grew.
"Huh, that is quite the dilemma." Olivia's mother, Lisa, finally said after a long period of silence.
"Yeah, it's kinda got a time limit to find a resolution, this wedding is only getting closer." Olivia sighed, having herself run out of ideas for Sienna and James.
"Well," Lisa paused, gathering her thoughts. "I don't know that there is anything else to do but tell her. I suppose that maybe there is a good and bad way for her to find out, best that it comes from you directly. Or both you and James could tell them together."
"Do you think they'll approve?" Sienna asked.
Lisa sighed, she was unsure. "I don't know, it is an unusual situation. I can't be sure of how they'll take it, but it really is for the best that you tell them soon. It's almost May, and it looks like the wedding prep is ramping up."
Sienna felt helpless. How cruel it was to finally be with James, only to have to deal with the insurmountable hurdle of her aunt marrying his dad. From the outside, she knew that it didn't look bad, it was just unusual. But she felt, deep down, that aunt Gem would disapprove, heavily.
"Sienna, I know it all feels very complicated right now and that this is the biggest deal in the world, but just remember that in five years time this will have not been a big deal at all. You're 17, you have all the time in the world."
"I don't know, I don't think it'll be okay. It doesn't feel like it will be." She confessed.
Olivia frowned and shook her head no, "Of course it will be fine. You and James will be okay, and so will aunt Gem and Jack. It will all be fine, and in September we'll watch them get married in the most beautiful ceremony ever...well it better be, after all this work."
Sienna smiled, feeling relieved. "I hope so."
"FOR FUCKS SAKE, PASS THE BALL!" Scotty yelled, waving his arms theatrically as he stood on top of the bleachers. Brady, Kyle and James stared back at him in amusement from their sitting positions on the bench directly below him.
"Can you calm down Scotty? We're winning." Kyle laughed, rolling his eyes at Scotty. The other two assented.
"So? Do you see how sloppy the play is? Fuck knows what Tommy is doing out there either."
James shook his head, amused by Scotty's armchair coaching and Thomas's performance on the field. The lacrosse team was winning, but they were dire. He understood Scotty's protestations, but he had neither the energy nor desire to get up and yell.
"Who the hell cares, they're winning." Brady responded, bored out of his mind. He didn't care for lacrosse and frankly was itching for the game to end so they could go out and party. But they were there to support Thomas in his quarterfinal game, and so he endured.
"Yup." James nodded in agreement.
Scotty looked down at James and asked "You really should've been on the team James. What the hell were you thinking not trying out?"
James shrugged, he'd had this conversation far too many times. In short, he hadn't wanted to. At the time of tryouts, he'd been far too preoccupied with his relationship with Sienna and keeping them a secret. He didn't have the desire to play lacrosse, and frankly it didn't particularly rank high on his priorities.
"I hate coach Vanyk, he's a dick." He replied simply. This was also true.
"My god, Thomas looks like a donkey out there." Kyle muttered, watching his friend struggle with simple passes.
Brady snorted, they all knew that Thomas was playing horribly but hadn't verbalized it. However, now that the words were out there, they all laughed.
"Tommy looks like he ate a value meal from Jack in the Box 5 minutes before the game started." James observed.
"That's way too kind, bro looks like he's been constipated for 3 weeks. He's running like there's a turd in his pants." Brady joked, and they were all in stitches.
"Tommy looks like he gained 25 pounds in the last 24 hours. Dude looks winded as hell." Kyle chirped.
"Somebody give him a puff of their inhaler!" Brady shrieked and the boys descended into hysterics again.
"Hey, hey, hey, we're here to cheer him on." Scotty admonished once they'd calmed down and the tears from their eyes had dried.
"Dude, you were laughing just two seconds ago." Brady replied.
Scotty rolled his eyes and sat down, "Shit, someone had to get us back on track."
At that moment, a player on the Palo Alto team scored a goal and everyone on the bleachers celebrated. There were only 3 minutes left of the game, and there was a feeling that the game had been won. They all relaxed and began to chatter amongst themselves as the clock wound down.
"Did you get the Jack?" Scotty asked Kyle, who nodded yes in response.
"Thank god, I can't wait to get drunk." Brady yawned, excited for the night.
"Whose house are we going to again?" James asked absentmindedly, his eyes still focused on the field.
"Sasha's." Kyle replied.
Brady snickered "Liv's gonna be pleased about that."
"Yeah...good thing she's not coming. She can be really jealous when she wants to be."
This made James smile. "Very true, anytime Kyle mentions another girls name, I brace myself."
"Sounds greaaaaat." Scotty replied sarcastically.
"Yup." Kyle sighed, Olivia's jealousy was far from ideal. "Hey, at least it'll be just us boys. No girlfriends tonight."
"Is Sienna not coming?" Brady asked.
"Nope." James responded. "Her and Liv are bridal shopping in San Fran with her aunt. And Liv's mom too, I'm pretty sure."
"Damn, you're fully off the leash tonight," Brady said.
"Guess so..." James replied.
Later that night, as the boys drank whiskey with reckless abandon and no girlfriends to keep them in check, James was finally honest. The thoughts that been pooling in his subconscious where making their way out into the world.
It had started off so innocently, with Thomas asking how the wedding prep was going. They were all outside, passing around a joint.
James had shrugged, "Good I guess, Gemma's buying a wedding dress..."
"So, they're for sure getting married." Brady commented.
"I think the engagement ring was a for sure sign they were getting married." Kyle laughed.
"When are you going to tell your dad then?" Scotty asked.
James sighed, he'd been avoiding talking about any of this. He hated talking about it, hearing it, everything. Whenever Sienna or Olivia brought it up lately, he wanted to scream. "Guys, I really don't feel like talking about it."
They were stunned. Kyle was the first to ask why.
James turned to look at his friends, how could he describe to them how he felt without having to verbalize it? Because the words were hard to find. Hard to say.
"I don't know, I'm just not sure."
"What the fuck does that mean?" Thomas asked.
"I'm sick of talking about this shit, really fucking sick. Sienna's always bringing it up, and then Liv brings it up, which is even more irritating. I don't feel like telling my dad any of this."
The guys were confused. Scotty was the one to speak up "Don't you kind of have to though?"
"Of course I have to. But I don't feel like telling my dad that I'm in a relationship with his fiancées...fuck I don't even know the word. I just don't want to tell him."
"Seems really fucking weird, but okay." Brady mumbled.
"Why the hell does everyone have to talk about everything?! Tell this person that, talk about this! Who cares?" James rambled, his drunken diatribe giving him away.
"James...do you want to be with Sienna?" Kyle asked carefully, not wanting to set him off.
And at this question, James stopped. The answer flashed before him and left him uncertain. Because he did love her, he knew that wasn't the problem.
"I...I don't know." He confessed.
This admission left them all surprised. They hadn't seen this coming.
"Okay." Scotty began, unsure of how to proceed. "What's got you feeling like this?"
James shrugged. He barely knew himself. "I don't know, I just know that I don't feel like telling my dad and potentially ruining his wedding, especially since I'm not even sure that this is what I want."
"Wow." Kyle breathed.
"Fuck me." Thomas echoed.
"This is some heavy shit man, let's light up another joint." Scotty suggested, reaching for the papers in his jacket pocket. James had dropped a bombshell on them.
The boys agreed. James sighed, wishing he'd never said anything at all. It was out there now, there was no taking it back, no pretending.
"Can I ask one thing?" Kyle inquired towards James.
"Shoot."
"What's this about? Do you like, not love her anymore? I'm just so confused."
"I love Sienna." James admitted, that much he knew was true. "I love her so much. But, I don't know, there's just something in the back of my mind that's stopping me from...stopping me from wanting a full commitment. I don't know, it's weird—complicated. It's like I know that Sienna and I could be forever, like I could marry her. And then there's a part of me that doesn't want that. I just don't know and it's frustrating."
"Well, shit." Scotty sighed.
"Shit indeed." Thomas nodded.
" there ain't a joint strong enough to solve this problem." Brady muttered, glad not to be in his position.
They all agreed.
James was left to wonder whether loving Sienna was enough. He stood on the edge but refused to let himself fall. On the line was either complete happiness or heartbreak. And he wasn't sure it was worth the risk. Once he had believed that it had been worth the risk, but now he wasn't so sure.
After that night, what only been a thought in his subconscious now plagued his mind daily; to fall or not to fall. To continue or break it off? And now that his friends knew, he could no longer put the thoughts off. They were there, everyday, teasing and nagging at him. He had to decide soon, and that, he knew, would be nothing short of difficult.
On Monday, his dad had told him that he would be going away with Gemma for the weekend. They were headed to do some wine tastings in Napa Valley. It had something to do with the wedding, but James had tuned out the explanation.
That Friday afternoon, when Gemma and his dad had packed their car and said goodbye, him and Sienna were left alone for the weekend. He could see it in Sienna's eyes how excited she was for them to spend a weekend together, alone, not having to sneak around for once.
He supposed he felt excited too, but he felt a weariness as well. This was new for them and the possibilities felt endless. He willed himself to enjoy it, to forget the battle that waged in his mind about the future with Sienna. So they made out in the kitchen, in the foyer, in the hallways of his house. They fooled around in the pool, taking liberties they would've never dared to dream of had they not been alone. The closeness of Sienna allowed him to forget, allowed his mind to let enjoy the physical closeness of her.
"You know, I wish we could do this forever, be like this forever." Sienna said later that evening, her head on his chest. She was drawing circles on his chest, tired but content. They were in his bed, it was the first time they had been intimate in his room since the party almost a year earlier.
"Mhhhmm." James agreed. With their stillness, unfortunately, came the roaring barrage of thoughts he'd held at bay. And now they came with an overwhelming sense of guilt, because he was keeping secrets, he was keeping parts of himself away from her.
"What're you thinking about?"
James shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing."
"Oh." She was stunned, he was always thinking about something, and always telling her about it. It was how they learned each other, of thoughts and ideas old and new. These moments were how she'd learned that James felt passionately about people who walked in front of him only to slow down pace; it was how James learned that Sienna had a weird obsession with passionfruit. These were the moments of learning, where they could discover each other without the physical prompts of the outside world.
He sighed, looked down at her, and tried to convince her that nothing was wrong. She was looking back at him expectantly. "What's wrong?"
She lifted her head from his chest and propped herself up. "Nothing, you've just been quiet all afternoon."
"We've been pretty busy all afternoon, hard to say anything when we're fooling around." He said simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
She frowned "Okay…"
James looked back her and at that moment saw how vulnerable she was. How much she needed his reassurance, his confidence. "Hey you, stop moping."
He kissed her, pulling her towards him. It seemed to calm her down.
"I'm not moping." She pouted after the kiss ended.
He smiled, "Yeah you are. But it's okay, 'cause you're cute when you pout."
She kissed him again, and he grinned against her lips. "I'm starving, let's go eat."
Sienna disagreed. "No, I just wanna stay in bed with you."
"You're not hungry?"
"Who needs food when I have you?"
James chuckled at this but still moved to get out of bed. "Come on, let's go. I can make you a grilled cheese."
"You'd leave me in bed for a grilled cheese?" She asked, and James smiled down at her. She could be flirtatious when she wanted. But he knew that he had to get out of bed. Every moment with Sienna was blissful and difficult at the same time. Now that he'd admitted to himself he wasn't sure about his relationship with Sienna, he felt guilty anytime they were together.
"In my defense, I make a mean grilled cheese."
Downstairs in the kitchen, Sienna watched James as he made the grilled cheeses. He seemed overly concentrated on the pan in front of him.
"Hey, what do you wanna do tomorrow?" She asked him.
He was silent for a moment before responding. "I was thinking of having a kickback, you know, a few friends over for some beers and a dip in the pool."
Sienna frowned, she'd hoped they would've done something more intimate, just the two of them. "Really?"
"Yeah, we haven't all hung out in a while. I feel like just having fun and relaxing."
"But we can spend the time, just the two of us, doing the same thing." She argued, trying to keep her voice soft and calm.
He stopped to look at her, his brows furrowed. "I don't know, I just feel like having people over. I already suggested it to them anyway."
She didn't miss the implication of his words. They stung a little. Why was he being so strange suddenly?
"Okay, but won't your dad be mad at you for having a party?"
James shrugged, "It's not going to be a party, it's just a kickback. 10 people tops."
But by Saturday afternoon, there were at least 20 people in his backyard. Brady had come over earlier that morning, and he and James had disappeared off to go buy alcohol. She'd called Olivia over to have some company and prepare for James's impromptu kickback.
However, by that afternoon, Sienna was ready to go back home and lay in her own bed. James had barely spoken two words to her, instead, he was busy getting drunk and jumping into the pool with his friends. Olivia could see that something wasn't quite right with Sienna, she seemed to be on edge. James, on the other hand, was laughing away in the pool with Brady and Thomas.
"Are you okay?" She'd asked Sienna, her voice laced with concern.
Sienna shook her head no. There had been a weird energy in the air between them lately. She couldn't pinpoint it exactly, but she could tell that the frequency between them had changed. Not a big change, something so slight that she may have never ever noticed, but she did. She noticed everything about James, maybe because she'd allowed herself to feel completely. She'd immersed herself so completely into the two of them, their relationship, their hopes and their dreams. But now there was a change, small, slight, miniscule, but it registered hugely.
There was a part of him that was missing, maybe not just missing, but being withheld. She didn't know if something had genuinely changed or that she was just now noticing. Either way, it hurt. More than anything, it left her confused and unsure about almost everything. Self-doubt was an ugly feeling and it was one she'd worked hard to let go.
But there it was. She didn't want to doubt herself, or him, or their relationship. However, the reality of it was different.
Maybe it was because their friends knew? She racked her head for answers and found nothing. She just wanted to go back to the times when it had only ever been the two of them, their secret. When they'd danced in the dark, and it felt real and good. Because she'd only ever known that kind of love, friendship and intimacy with him.
"I don't know. James has been weird all day, and it's kind of caught me off guard. I don't really feel like being here." Sienna admitted.
"Why, what's going on?"
Sienna shrugged, she barely understood it herself. "I don't know, he's just weird. He's gotten quiet lately."
Olivia frowned, wondering about the situation herself. "He hasn't said anything at all?"
"I wish he would, I just feel like I'm suddenly in the dark and I don't know how I got here. Yesterday things were kinda good, and then today they weren't as good. Nothing bad has happened, but it just doesn't feel right."
"What do you wanna do?"
Sienna looked at Olivia and smiled weakly. "I wanna get out of here. Go for a walk maybe. Forget about this for a while."
Olivia nodded, "Okay, let's go. Let's go for a walk."
The girls walked out of James's house and set down familiar streets. They didn't talk about James or aunt Gem or the wedding. Instead they sought to discover the person the other had become, they had come a long way from that afternoon rift that stopped their friendship all those years ago.
Olivia told Sienna about her mom, and volleyball, and her dad in Chicago. About her baby brother, her step-brother and the mess that they had caused. Sienna told Olivia about Michael, about France, about her paintings, about what it felt like to rebuild herself into someone recognizable.
The hours passed by like this, the two of them wandering aimlessly in their neighbourhood, down the familiar streets, crescents and avenues that made up the all too familiar place they called home. It was the past and the present and the future.
"You know, I love when Palo Alto is like this, it feels exactly like home. Like I'm exactly where I should be." Olivia mused, looking at the pink gradient of the sky. It was twilight and something about it made the two of them calm.
"I've been reading a book by James Baldwin, there's a quote that I really like in it. He says that home isn't a place, but an irrevocable condition." Sienna said, deep in thought about what the future had in store.
"That's a beautiful sentiment, I like it." Olivia smiled back at Sienna. Sienna smiled back, thinking about the quote, wondering about the meaning of home to her.
"You know," Sienna paused, trying to carefully pick the words. "I don't think I've ever apologized for all those years ago. I really need to-"
"—No it's okay," Olivia interrupted. She didn't need an apology, nor did she want one. Now that she was beginning to understand Sienna, she felt foolish to be on the receiving end of an apology. "I really don't need you to apologize, I understand now. I was pretty selfish then too, I couldn't see beyond my own anger to empathize with you."
Sienna shook her head no. "I still need to apologize. I should've reached out to you sooner. We all have our own tragedies and I should have never treated you like yours was somehow less deserving of sympathy than mine. For you, your dad leaving was the end of the world. Back then, I could have only dreamed of that being the end of mine."
"Okay then, I need to apologize too. I should've tried harder, I knew you were struggling and I didn't do enough to reach out and help you. I've been a bad friend for far too long, especially to someone I've known since I can remember. I'm really sorry."
Sienna smiled, her eyes glazing. "I'm sorry, too."
The two girls hugged each other. It felt momentous, like they'd travelled a long way to get to this moment. And so, they hugged and cried. When they'd exhausted tears, they smiled at each other and began the long walk back home.
"James they're not here! Liv's not answering her phone and neither is Sienna!" Kyle yelled, he'd searched up and down the house looking for them.
James was dumbfounded, he hadn't even noticed that Sienna had left. But now that Kyle had informed him, he felt terrible. Especially for not having realized she'd gone.
"Fuck" He muttered, getting up out of the pool and following Kyle into the kitchen. He turned back to inform the others that he'd be right back.
Inside, Kyle was already dialling Olivia again. When she didn't pick up, James grabbed the cordless phone in the kitchen and proceeded to dial Sienna's number. She didn't pick up either.
"The hell is going on?" James was bewildered, a few minutes ago he'd been having the time of his life getting drunk with friends and now he was stuck wondering where Sienna and Olivia were and if they were alright.
"You're asking me as if I know." Kyle replied, dialling Olivia's number one more time. When she didn't pick up, James rolled his eyes and gestured towards the front door.
"I guess we're gonna have to go and look for them."
"Where at?"
"Both their houses, for a start."
"And how the fuck are we doing that? You're drunk and so am I."
But both were saved from having to think up alternative pursuits because just then both girls walked into the foyer. James looked over first and saw Sienna muttering something to Olivia before heading directly upstairs.
He frowned at Liv when she entered the kitchen. She was startled to see them but maintained an even tone when she greeted them.
"Where were you guys? I've literally called you 8 times." Kyle asked although he didn't seem upset, just relieved.
"Oh, we went for a walk around the block, but we didn't have our phones though so I had no idea about your stalkerish frequency of calls—but all in the name of love right?"
Kyle just grinned and leaned in to kiss Olivia. James continued to frown, why had Sienna gone directly upstairs?
"So, everything's good?" James asked.
Olivia turned to look at him and shrugged, "Yeah, why wouldn't they be?"
Something about the way she said it got under his skin. He hated how she'd turned the question back on him as if he was an all-knowing omniscient being. His question hadn't been rhetorical, he had genuinely been looking for an answer.
"Okay…" He replied dryly and turned to head upstairs. He found Sienna in his room zipping up her bag and checking to see if she'd forgotten anything.
"Oh…hey," She mumbled when she'd finally noticed him standing in the doorway. "I'm just grabbing a few things."
He nodded, "Yeah I see. What's going on?"
"Honestly, I have no idea. I just feel like you're maybe going through something and don't particularly need me around right now. So I'd rather just go home and hang out, maybe paint, I don't know—"
"—Wait, wait—you're leaving because of me? What did I do?" He was genuinely puzzled.
She looked at him and gave him a look he couldn't decipher. "James, this whole weekend you've been avoiding spending any considerable time alone with me. You don't want to talk, you either want to get drunk or eat. Even last night, after we slept together, it was like you couldn't wait to get away from me fast enough. I don't know what you're going through but you've hurt my feelings and I really can't be around you right now."
Of course, she had noticed. She, who knew him better than anyone, could always see right through him sometimes. It was a pleasure and a curse, because now more than ever she wished she couldn't read his actions so plainly. How could he even explain it, he barely understood his own feelings.
"Look, I don't know what it is you think I'm doing but I promise I'm not trying to avoid you or anything."
"James, seriously. It's okay if you do, just please don't lie to me." She sighed and pulled her bag over her shoulder. It was odd to witness her standing her there in the middle of his room, agitated and defeated looking.
James stopped and then groaned heavily. "Oh, fuck."
"Sienna," He began, willing his thoughts to arrange in a way that made sense "It's not that I want to get away from you. I'm just going through something right now okay, just give me some time to work it out."
"What're you going through?" Sienna was just confused. For the first-time James was confessing and nothing he was saying was decipherable.
"I don't quite know. I just…well, I feel like maybe I'm having some…doubts." He finished quietly, so afraid of how Sienna would respond.
"Doubts?" Sienna blinked back the tears. The word had hit her like a brick wall. She felt instantly nauseous, as if her stomach would give out any moment.
"Uh…yeah. Sienna you know that I love you, and I've never felt the way I feel about you about anyone before. It's just that right now everything is so intense with us. Our parents are getting married, we have to keep this a secret, there's all these feelings there too—our past is complicated as shit. All these things Sienna, they're a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. And I don't know, lately I just haven't been so sure about it."
"Oh." Was all Sienna could muster. Her throat was entirely too dry, and besides she was using all the strength she had not to explode. Or collapse. It was somewhere in-between there, the demise she was trying to hold back.
"Sienna, I'm really sorry." He began walking towards her.
"No, no, it's fine." She held her hand back, she didn't want him anywhere near her. James stopped halfway towards her, a little stunned and a little hurt.
"I'll see you around I guess." She said as she sidestepped him and walked out the door. He stood silently in his room and waited to hear as Sienna asked Olivia for a ride home. He didn't move as the doors opened and shut, he only walked towards the windows to see Olivia's car peeling away from the curb of his house.
"Hey, you good?" it was Kyle, James turned around and shrugged in response.
"Don't know."
"What the hell happened? Sienna was barely keeping it together down there. She looked so upset James." Kyle looked at him questioningly.
"I think I told her that I was having doubts about our relationship."
"You think?!" Kyle was incredulous.
"Yeah well, I'm drunk. And also, everything about that conversation was a haze."
Kyle shook his head. "You're going to regret that."
"Probably." James replied. And he did.