"Hello, my name's Andy Yucot, I'm sixteen and…I can't do this." I say, sitting back down. I pull the hood of my grey sweater over my head.
"But you can do this. That's why you're here. Because we know you're strong enough to handle it. We've all been through it and some of us are still fighting the urge." Some dick named Ted says.
"I meant, I can't tell people that I have a problem when I don't," I say, reaching for my backpack to take my Ipod out. "And don't give me that bullshit about me being in denial. I don't cut myself. Now, go talk amongst yourselves and pretend I'm not here." I put my headphones on and crank the music to full blast.
Eventually, they forget about me and other people start standing up and stating their problems. "You know, you should probably tell them what's happening. Whenever I feel down I tell someone something I've never told anyone before." I look behind me and see Rojan sitting right behind me. The noose still around his neck. "Come on, stand up. Tell them what's on your mind." He gives me a little shove.
I take out one of my ear buds. "No, and I'm not in the mood to deal with you." I say a little too loud.
"What was that Andy?" Ted asks.
"Nothing, I was just talking to myself." I say trying to put my ear bud back in, but it keeps falling out.
"Well, anything you say you can say out loud." God, I hate this fucking asshole. "Please Andy, this is a safe circle." Ted says, spreading his arms out for emphasis.
"How can you resist saying no to that?" Rojan says, now standing next Ted. "I mean, look at those eyes. They're just screaming 'Let me help you.'" I stand up.
"Leave me the fuck alone!" I lean down and grab my backpack. I go to look back at Rojan, but now standing next to Ted is Emma. "Not you! Not now! I don't have time for your 'Help me stop shaking.' Crap!" I shout. Everyone around me is staring at me. I don't blame them. I must look fucking crazy as hell. I'm yelling at what they think is nothing. I look at Ted. "Have a great fucking day!" I slip my backpack over my shoulder and I storm out.
"Well, that was rude of you." Rojan says when I get outside. "He was just trying to help."
"I don't need his help!" Someone passing by gives me a dirty. "I don't need help from anyone. I'm perfectly fine. I can deal with this on my own." I continue in a hushed voice.
"No you can't. No one can. When I was going through tough times I wished that someone was there for me. I wished someone had told me I was going to be fine, but no one did and now look at me. I'm dead." He says.
I turn my head to look at him. "I'm sorry, but I had to make a tough choice. A choice I wish I didn't have to make it." I mutter. "I regret it every day."
"The only regret I have was trusting you." He mumbles. My heart drops and I stop walking.
"Help me stop shaking." I look behind me and I see Emma with her arms holding her stomach and shaking. Her face is streaked with her black mascara. She's been crying. "I thought you were supposed to come help me with my project. Why didn't you show up?" Emma's staggering towards me. "You could've saved me. You knew where the pills were." Emma reaches out an arm and touches my arm. I jump away from her ice-cold touch.
"I'm sorry! Please, you need to understand! I hate myself for not being there for you!" I tell her.
She shakes her head. "I don't believe you. I can't believe you. I waited for you to show up. As I laid there I thought that you would show up just in time to save me, but you never showed." She murmurs, still walking towards me.
I turn to run away, but Rojan's in my way. "You need to face up to your mistakes. You need to feel how we do. You need to feel the pain that you've caused." Rojan says. He sticks his clenched fist out. I put an open hand under his and he drops a blade into my hand.
Emma lays her hands on my shoulders, but I don't jump. I let her cold touch fall over me. I let her despair spread into me. "Do you feel it? Do you feel that sinking feeling? Do you feel like no one's there for you? I never stop feeling that. I felt like this day in and day out." Close my hand around the blade and I squeeze. I squeeze until blood starts dripping out of my hand. People just move around me like nothing's happening.
I look at my clenched fist. "I…I don't feel it."
Emma leans in and whispers into my ear. "You have to do more? That won't do anything."
I shake my head. "No, I can't. I won't. I'm stronger than this." I throw the blade away.
"Yes you can. You're not strong enough. Give in to it Andy." Rojan says. He lifts one of my sleeves up and runs a hand over my arm. Lines appear all over my arm. I can feel something in my bleeding hand. I lift my hand into my line of vision and it's holding the blade I threw away. "Come on, you know it's the right thing to do." Rojan mutters in my other ear. He lays one hand on my arm and the other on my chest. My arm flairs up in pain and the air in my lungs is now non-existent. Blood is pouring down my arm.
"Give in Andy. Give into the urge. Give into the pain. Let yourself free." They both whisper. I try to move my arms, but they don't respond. Eventually, I fall to the ground. I'm gasping for air, but none refills my lungs. I can't support my eyelids anymore and they close. Now I'm in darkness. The words 'Give in.' being repeated.
My eye's shoot open and I gasp in a breath of fresh air. I'm covered in sweat. I look around and I'm thankful to see that I'm back in my bedroom. In my bed. I look down at my arm and the lines are gone. I look at my hand and it's not bleeding. It was all a dream. I'm about to smile when I remember all the things that Emma and Rojan said. I lay my head back down on my pillow and I think about everything they said and how I felt when Emma put her hands on me.
"Pay for your mistakes Andy." I say to myself.
A/N: Thank you for reading