To the person I love,
These are words I wish I could say to your face. Your gorgeous, chiselled and flawless face. I have to admit it; the very sight of you makes me smile. It's an automatic response to anything remotely related to you; if someone says a word that sounds like your name, I smile. If I smell something that is similar to your cologne, I smile. And when I see someone walking down the street that looks anything like you… I smile. I guess it's like Pavlov's dogs; I'm so used to smiling when you're around that now, just thinking about you makes me do so.
The worst part is that I don't want to smile when I think about you. Although you have brought me so much happiness in the past and continue to do so, you've also unknowingly brought me a lot of pain and confusion. And despite me building up the courage to explain all of this to you, you still carry on as if nothing happened. Part of me is happy that you haven't changed the way you act around me; it could be awkward, but it's not. But the other part is at a loss… it's you, and everything that you do that makes me love you. And whilst I don't want our odd relationship to change, I know I can't fall out of love with you until it does. So I guess I'll just have to hold on tight for the next few years until a miracle happens and someone like you comes along and whisks me off my feet. As if.
Sometimes I wonder why I love you. You do things without even thinking about how much they might confuse me; but then again that's one of the reasons I like you so much. You're unpredictable. When we came back from that party last weekend and we were snuggled up on the sofa, you had your arms around me and I felt at home. More at home than I do in my own home. And when you started stoking my legs, moving your hands upwards slowly but surely, my heart was racing. It was exciting and dangerous; there were two other people in the room. But there we go again, there's another reason why I like you. You're dangerous. When your hands reached where I thought no man would ever try to reach, I stopped you. Because all of a sudden, my bubble was popped… I remembered why this was so wrong. You have a girlfriend. And she isn't me. And as much as I love you, and want to be able to do such things with you, I can't be that 'other girl'. I don't want to be the one to ruin your loyalty to her… because I know how lucky she is to have you.
How could you do that to me? You know I love you. Do you understand how difficult it was for me to stop you? It's not even like I could walk away from you… you're one of my best friends. But I would never treat you like that. You make it harder for me; every time you touch me you make it more and more unbearable for me to not be with you. When you're with me, and not with her, you act like I'm your girlfriend. When it's dark and I'm cold, it's you who's there to comfort me and lend me your jacket. And when we're in a crowd of people, it's you who calls me to find out where I am, and tells me to come find you. It's all you… I'm not making any of this up. This isn't some fantasy relationship in my head where you love me and I love you… it's all you. You should know you can't treat a girl like that- especially not a girl like me- and not expect her to fall in love with you. You're every girl's dream. You're my dream; a dream that's so close to reality it's hard to shake off.
This is the hardest distance. So close your lips are millimetres from mine… but so far that if I kiss you, it could be all over. And I want it, so badly that I feel like choking every time you're that close to me. Whatever relationship we have, I hate it. But I love it too much to do anything about it. So all I can say for now is… don't leave me. But don't lie to me. Don't pretend I'm the One when it's her you go home to every night. If you love her… love her. If you don't, then give me a call. I'm waiting. As usual.
A/N: This isn't a story or anything, it's something I wrote for the man I love but can never have. Boohoo. It's quite personal but feel free to comment on it if you like; I tend to get a bit wordy when I'm expressing myself.