The Discovery of the $8 Crop
Jerry walked into the Cart Research Lab.
"Hello, what's going on?" asked Jerry.
Jerry wasn't really a scientist, but he had contacts that were. He saw his friend, Eric.
"Hey, Eric, what's up?" asked Jerry.
"We're making an amazing discovery," said Eric. "You want to see?"
"Sure," said Jerry.
Jerry and Eric walked over to the giant plasma screen. Eric turned it on. On screen appeared a field. Eric zoomed in on a tomato.
"A tomato? That's it?" asked Jerry.
"This isn't just any regular tomato; it's an $8 tomato!"
"$8 for a TOMATO! What kind of a price is that?"
"No, it's called the $8 tomato, better known as the $8 crop," explained Eric. "The real price is $16."
"WHAT? What kind of a short humor story by Comedystudios is this?"
"Well, you see," Eric began. "The $8 crop is called the $8 crop because the first person to eat it only had $8. The $8 crop gives you immortality when you eat it."
"That's what everyone says about vegetables," said Jerry. "Yet, no one eats them!"
"No, this really gives you immortality. I'll prove it to you."
Eric pressed a button and the screen showed a picture of a man eating the tomato.
"Have you ever heard of a man named Joe Elphido?" Eric asked.
"Sure, he's the guy who lived until he was 95, producing over 70 movies," said Jerry. "He looked so young when he died."
"He looked so young because he was immortal," explained Eric. "Here you can see him eating the $8 crop. He was originally a farmer who was the first known man to grow and eat the $8 crop."
"So, if he was immortal, how did he die?" asked Jerry.
"He was in the desert, drank some rotten cactus juice, lost his immortality, and died of old age and heat stroke in the desert."
While Eric said this, he pressed the button again to reveal a new picture on the screen. It showed a black hole and a cactus.
"As you can see, there are only 2 ways to lose your immortality. One way is to fall into a black hole without your socks on," explained Eric. "The other way is to drink rotten cactus juice. Also, if you hit your head on the ceiling, you'll lose your immortality for 2 seconds.
"So, where can I find this magic crop?" asked Jerry.
"It was grown in Wrigley Field," said Eric. "Our scientists have collected it and are testing it. You can come into our test facility and see.
Jerry followed Eric onto the elevator. Eric pressed the 11th floor button. Here, they saw a screen with a gravestone on it that said R.I.P. J…
"Oops, wrong floor," said Eric.
Eric, after the elevator closed, pressed the 17th floor button. On the floor, they saw the $8 crop on a research table
"There it is," said Eric. "Our scientists will be back up in a minute with our test subject."
Just then, Eric's phone rang.
"Hello... yes… ok, I'll be right there." Eric hung up. "Jerry, I need to go downstairs to the 8th floor to see if the equator is real. You stay here, but don't touch anything." Eric went down the elevator.
Jerry walked over to the $8 crop.
"Immortality, huh? I could live with that." Jerry ate the tomato. It tasted awful, like a dirty ball, or just the dirt. Jerry gobbled down the entire thing. Up the elevator came the scientists with the original test subject.
Jerry had to think fast. Just then he saw a window. He ran over to it and jumped out. He fell onto the padding stunt actors' use when jumping off buildings (it was meant for a stunt double that never showed up). Jerry knew he had scientists on his tail, literally (he accidentally grew one from a test Eric had done on him a year earlier) and had to shake them off. However, they were still chasing after him.
"I can't lose my immortality," said Jerry. There wasn't a black hole in sight, however, and he wasn't stupid enough to drink rotten cactus juice (at least he thought he wasn't stupid enough to).
Jerry ran onto a bridge, into a dead end. He knew he had no choice but to jump into the ocean. He was immortal, after all.
"Here we go," said Jerry. "On the count of 3. 1… 2… 3!"
Back at the research lab…
"That tomato wasn't really the $8 crop, it was just a dirty old baseball spray painted red."
Back at the bridge…
"Ahhh!" Jerry screamed as he fell into the ocean.