Just a short story I randomly thought up tonight.
I hope you all enjoy it
I had always admired her from a distance.
I never knew what had drawn me to her. Was it her dark, lustrous hair or her thin, petit frame? Was it her quiet nature or her brains? I could write a list of things that I liked about her and yet that still wouldn't be enough. How do you put your feelings into words? Is it possible to write down your exact thoughts, the moment you think them?
She was a loner; no one liked her. I could never see why. How could you not like her? She was friendly yet everyone shrugged it off. She was smart yet everyone scoffed at her. She was stunning and yet people teased her for her looks. What was wrong with coming the school with your hair a complete mess and your face bare of make-up? She didn't need it. Her complexion was flawless and her eyes were naturally dark. Thick lashes framed those beautiful blue orbs that simply drew you in.
I never dared to approach her. I wasn't worried about reputation or the looks I would get for doing so. I was scared. I doubted she even knew I existed, so I kept to myself and admired her from afar. It was better that way.
I was in no means popular, nor was I unpopular. I had my fair share of flings; of girlfriends, one night stands, you name it. But she was constantly on my mind.
Alayna Brónach…the name translated into beautiful sorrow. It suited her well. She was always so quiet. She never fought back when others teased and taunted her. I respected her for that. She was never the type of person to sink to that level.
I regret never knowing her.
I remember that once in science, I got to be partners with her. It was the happiest day of my life. I could barely focus on what we were dissecting. I think it was a cow's heart. I don't really remember. I was focusing on the look of concentration on her face as she worked. That day she spoke to me for the first time in my life: "Can you hand me the scalpel?"
Every day, I watched her body deteriorate. Every time I saw her, she had lost another kilo. Every time I saw her, feared that it would be the last; that, finally, her body would decline altogether, yet every day when I saw her walk to her locker, my fears to put at ease.
One day I noticed bruising upon her face. Her beautiful porcelain skin was marred with large purple bruising. I remember being so mad that, I grabbed her wrist and dragged her to an empty class room. "Who the fuck hit you?" I remember shouting at her. "Who did it? Go on, tell me!"
She looked up at me, her blue eyes hooded. She lifted a hand and slapped me, clear across the face before storming off.
She never said a word.
I knew I loved her when I heard her sing for the first time. That beautiful, angelic voice caused my breath to catch in my breath. I remember my girlfriend Annabel tugging on my arm, demanding to know what my problem was. But I didn't listen to her. I wanted to watch Alayna. Her voice was full of sorrow and her eyes were glassy.
Watching her play the piano in the music room, I felt my heart break. I loved her, yet she would never return my feelings.
The last time I saw her was at a party. She looked uncomfortable, standing by the keg, glancing around nervously. Apparently Annabel and her friends had dragged her to the party. Everyone had to go. Annabel had scoffed at me and flicked a piece of brown hair from her face. According to her, even the unpopular students had to go. I never bothered to question her logic and spent the whole night staring at her. I wanted to walk up to her, to say hello and start up some sort of conversation. I wanted to know her, to befriend her. Fuck I wanted to kiss her; to hold her in my arms and make her feel safe, yet I was a coward.
I remember taking my eyes off her for one second before lifting them up only to find her missing.
I found myself feeling disappointed that I had, once more, missed my chance. I figured she had gone home.
It was only later that I heard some guys walking past, laughing and boasting how they had screwed 'frigid girl'.
I didn't even think before my fist smashed into the first guy's nose. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill them all. They made me sick.
I hit the first guy some more before being pulled back by my friend Blake. He knew my feelings for Alayna. He knew that I would do something I'd regret if he let me go.
The fucker deserved it. All four of them did.
Blake had forced me home that night, telling me to sober up; that I wold come to my senses in the morning.
I spent all night wondering where Alayna was. Was she alright? Was she scared, was she angry?
That night, I swore I would tell her my feelings the next day.
I was never able to tell her. My sweet, sweet Alayna would never walk through the school gates again.
We were called into an assembly that morning by the principle. He looked grim at the time as he stood on the stage in the assembly hall. He addressed us all and began to speak of bullying and peer pressure. Everyone was confused about why he was suddenly telling us what we already knew.
I was barely listening at the time. I kept glancing around, trying to spot Alayna. I couldn't find her.
The Principle Burnes' next words froze me. "I regret to inform you all of the passing of Miss Alayna Brónach. She was a dedicated student and a valuable addition to our school. I address you all on the topic of bullying and peer pressure because I fear that none of you understand where it can lead. The suicide rate is frighteningly high because of these two issues; and many more at that. So let us all pray for Alayna and…"
Alayna and suicide were not allowed to be in the same sentence, let alone the same paragraph. He was lying, he had to be. Why would she kill herself? It wasn't like her. It…It wasn't.
I felt sick. I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.
I regret never going up to her. If I had gathered my courage earlier, maybe I could have stopped this. I could have saved her. All she needed was a friend. If I could be anything to her, I wanted to be that.
I loved her and now she was gone.
Now, as I stand in front of her grave, I ignore the tears that stream down my face. I ignore Blake who is standing away from me; watching me carefully. I tell her everything. I tell her how I feel, how much I regret watching her afar. I tell her how much I wanted to turn back time and tell her all these things. I wanted nothing more than protect her yet instead, I only watched her destroyed herself.
Everyone at school called Alayna many things after her death; emo, anorexic, ice queen and even attention seeker.
I thought none of these when I thought of Alayna Brónach. When thinking of her, the words that came to mind were beautiful, strong, graceful, kind, lovely…my Alayna.
I only wish that I could have told her.