I believe in love at first sight. There have been times when that belief, even the belief in love itself, has been challenged by the materialism and selfishness of these sick and apathetic modern times, but then I realized something. Love may be dying, it's death assisted by the media's attempt to shape what love is in our minds, but it is not dead. Love is not a standardized relationship of dates, facebook statuses or saying the right things or calling at certain times. Love is undefinable. We have all loved, and most of us have probably been told that that love was not real. When you were young, and you saw that person who filled your heart and your mind with wonder and light, and you didn't just want to be with them, you wanted to keep them safe, you wanted to share forever with them.
They call that 'infatuation'. They call that 'childish' and meaningless, but that is love in it's purest form, before the media and the government can sink they're totalitarian claws in you and tell you what to feel and believe. What passes for love in the eyes of most people these days is self-gratification in disguise. How the person makes you feel, as opposed to what you feel for the person. And even that doesn't define what love truly is. But it's real, as a great man once said, and I once felt it for a girl, not so long ago. I even, though I was being unwittingly dosed with mind-altering substances, had the balls to ask her out.
Then I shut down. I thought it was my own insecurity, not being able to express my love for her, my undying, even to this day, awe at everything she was. But it wasn't. It's a side effect of a drug called Ritalin given to me as a child and then slipped to me again against my knowledge and will. It blocks you from self-expression and induces social withdrawal, to name just two of it's 70+ side effects. If I'd been allowed to be myself, think my own thoughts, have access to my own courage instead of being rendered into a narcotic fog of self-worthlessness and insecurity, things could have been so different. It lasted three days. Yeah, laugh, say 'How could it have meant anything?", but it did. She was an angel, and though I cannot blame myself or her for what never was, there are those times when I wish, pray and beg whatever sits beyond this world to give that time back. To take back the evil of selfish and manipulative people and let those who have suffered have a chance to shine. But I can't go back. No one can. So the most I can do is give her this song. It's simple, perhaps, but it's my message of love to her, not that she'll ever see it.
The section that is not centered is done so intentionally. If you're attentive and wise, you may notice why. Sorry for the emotional dumping, but I had to say these things. Enjoy the song, if you haven't already x'd out, shaking your head and calling me an 'emo' or a 'drama-queen' for being human and expressing myself. If you haven't, then right on. You're one of maybe ten people left in the world who don't demonize and ridicule displays of emotion, and I hope you enjoy the song, and can maybe relate to it no matter how personal it is.
(Don't Just Hear It)
Never will I forget you.
And scarcer will I ever try to!
Still recall the snow we walked through.
And the courage that it took to ask you.
So whatever darkness ensues.
What I felt will always be true!
And whatever path you now choose,
Know that I did all I could do!
So I only held your hand!
And I would not ask for a thing more!
With all that I don't understand...
I know you shine so bright; that you are solar!
Even in, the dead of winter!
My heart at your command...
But my mind a poisoned, wretched traitor!
From explanation I was banned...
But my written words will not be hindered!
So keep your eyes and ears open...
For here's the part I pray you treasure!
Everything I should have said...
Makes my eyes burn again!
Memories fill my head...
Along with you, and what could have been!
I'm so fucking stupid.
Let slip away all that I wanted!
Of course I still imagine...
Various ways, things could have happened!
Every second was sacred.
Your smile and laughter, as iconic!
Our time should have been extended, but...
Ultimately, I can't regret it!
So pretty girl, so long!
Fare the well, but always remember!
There's many ways to know a song...
If you pay attention, you'll discover!
What I could not express...
For all my induced, toxic weakness!
May it finally find the surface,
The day you find, and more than hear this!