yesterday, he stopped kissing me
and asked what my boundaries were.
he said i don't want to screw things up with you,
you're a keeper. tell me where i need to stop.
i almost cried, i almost threw up
because, you know, it's really
never been that simple for me.
it's always been a battle,
with my body being the winner's playground.
i've been used-up in ways i'd rather not
remember. dirty hands crawling on me,
leaving stains. (i can't breathe, thinking about it.)
so when he voluntarily gave up that ground
i didn't know what to do, how to react.
and i'm afraid, irrationally,
that he's lying, or waiting to hurt me,
or laughing inside, preparing for his chance
to fuck me, fuck me up and over and
any other way you can think of.
i'm terrified it's another mind game
even though i know it isn't.
he doesn't deserve someone like me
with all this baggage, all this history
i am not worth the wait
but he says i am, he says
i am worth everything, anything.
oh god, i'm so confused