CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
The Chapter Where I Want You To Cry Forever Because You Find Out How Voldy Died Before He Came Back To Life Then Died Then Came Back To Life But Of Course You Don't Because This Story Is Awful
Adriana pulled herself out of Evil Man's mind, stunned. She knew Voldy had died before, but she had no idea that Evil Man had been the one to kill him. It almost made her feel sorry for him.
Evil Man sighed. "You were going through my memories again, weren't you."
"And you saw me…"
"Kill hundreds of bunnies that had mutated and were trying to kill me?"
Another nod. "Wait! No I didn't! How could you kill cute little bunnies! Even I wouldn't do that!" Adriana exclaimed in disbelief. "Well, I mean, besides those millions of times that I killed bunnies…"
Evil Man rolled his eyes. "Look, whatever you saw doesn't matter. I'm going to kill you, remember?"
"Oh yeah, sorry, it's really hard to remember with a gun being shoved into my face." Adriana said. "But what I saw does matter. I saw you and Never Going To Be Even Close To How Evil Evil Man Was. It was the day when… when you killed him."
Evil Man froze. "I- I have no idea what you're talking about!" he said nervously.
Adriana rolled her eyes. "You're thinking about that moment right now." she said dismissively. "It's understandable. After all, we're in the same situation. You have the power to kill me now or let me go."
Evil Man shook his head. "No. No, I don't have any power. I have to kill you. I have to kill you!" A small tear formed in the corner of his eye.
Adriana shook her head. "No. You don't have to kill people! Especially me, because I don't like dying! It's not fun at all! And I know firsthand! I mean, how was I supposed to survive watching Twilight?"
Evil Man rolled his eyes. "Just shut up and let me kill you." he said angrily.
"You won't do it." Adriana said softly.
Evil Man didn't respond, choosing instead to stare into her eyes. A flash of fear crossed them, and he smirked.
His gun wavered.
OH MY GOD! DID HE KILL HER! DID HE NOT! WILL I FORGET ABOUT THIS SCENE AND NEVER REVEAL WHAT HAPPENED? PROBABLY…
Adam paced around the cave with the Prophecy of the Loser. He had tried to find Megan to talk to her, but he couldn't. He tried calling her, but it just went to voicemail. And he could never wait until the beep to leave a message because her voicemail was WAY too dirty.
Above him, Chris stood, staring at the ground. It wasn't moving. He wasn't sure why it wasn't moving. He had tried blowing it up with his magic wand (a stick he had found on the side of the road) that he had been told was magical by Dumbledore (a crazy, old, bearded homeless man who stole his money while Chris wasn't looking. Chris still hadn't realized his money had been stolen).
Suddenly, Chris got a huge headache. "AGH!" he yelled, clutching his head. "I THOUGHT I HAD STOPPED HAVING THOUGHTS!"
I could blow it up!
"Okay, seriously? I got a giant headache just so I could realize I could blow it up? I was already going to do that just because fire looks pretty! Well, until it burns you and you die." Chris amended.
He pulled out two hundred sticks of TNT (don't ask me where he got them or where he put them, because I have NO FREAKING IDEA) and threw them on the ground.
They blew up as soon as they made contact with the ground, creating an explosion that covered the world with fire. Somehow, though, everyone survived.
So it was actually really boring.
Underground, Adam felt a huge tremor. He looked up to see that the ground had exploded, and there was a giant hole in front of him.
"Hm. I wonder why someone blew up the ground right above the Prophecy of the Loser which leads directly to our evil hideout. I mean, it's not like Chris used Google Maps to find the Prophecy of the Loser which he had heard about from Vampire Man who he killed and now he's here to get revenge on Evil Man!"
Chris dropped down from the hole. "I AM HERE!" he yelled.
"Wha- how did you find us?" Adam asked in disbelief.
"Well, I used Google Maps to find the Prophecy of the Loser which I heard about from Vampire Man who I killed and now I'm here to get revenge on Evil Man!" Chris said triumphantly. He paused. "Wait. What are you doing here?"
"Oh, well, um… I was… cleaning?"
"Oh, cool." Chris said. "I mean, it's not like you're actually Possibly Eviler Than Evil Man, which I used to believe and that's how I got into all of this but I got distracted when I got betrayed by my closest friend, Definitely Not Evil Man who's actually Evil Man! Wow, I still can't get over that. It's like the most shocking thing that's ever happened to me in my life!"
Adam rolled his eyes. "Right… Look, Evil Man isn't here right now. Would you like to wait in the waiting area?"
Chris started to think. Well, not really think, because he's too stupid to think, but he talked himself through it. "Well, it is an evil hideout, so the waiting area is probably a trap… but what if it's just a really classy evil hideout?" He paused, realizing what he had just said. "Well, that makes it easy. I'll wait in the waiting area!"
Adam grinned. "Great! Just follow me through this incredibly long, dark, and suspenseful tunnel."
Chris grinned and started to run through it. "YAY! I LOVE LONG, DARK, AND SUSPENSEFUL TUNNELS! THEY'RE SO SUSPENSEFUL… they're…" he started glancing around nervously. "What's going to be on the other end?" he asked nervously. "Is it another emo radioactive monster? Because I have seen WAY too many of those."
Adam rolled his eyes. "The opening's right there! You can see what's on the other side!"
"Oh." Chris paused. "That wasn't long. Aw, that was such a rip-off! I DEMAND A REFUND!"
"You didn't pay me anything!" Adam protested. "In fact, if anyone's going to be paying someone else, it's going to be you paying me for that roof you broke. Do you know how much those tiles cost?"
"Um… that was a cave. No one's touched it in like two million years." Chris pointed out.
"Okay, one, stop saying smart things. It's too weird and it's making my brain explode." Adam said. "Two, I only touched it up here and there! It looks a billion years old!"
"IT IS!" Chris yelled. "Oh, crap, I can't say anything smart. Uh… Monkeys like grenades?"
Adam breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank god, no more smartness. So, just go and sit on the couch under that totally not ominous glass dome!"
Chris grinned. "Awesome!" he cried, jumping on to the couch. Adam pulled out a remote and pressed a button.
THE GLASS DOME FELL ON HIM!
OH MY GOD CHRIS, WHEN ARE YOU EVER GOING TO LEARN? YOU SHOULD NEVER WALK UNDER GLASS DOMES IF THEY'RE IN AN EVIL HIDEOUT! IDIOT…
Adam was beginning to get worried. The only reason Megan wouldn't be at her house for an entire night was because she had spent it at some other boy's house, and we all know that would never happen!
Adam grabbed his laptop and searched 'Where the hell is Megan right now?'
About twenty million and sixty thousand results popped up.
Adam clicked on the first one. It was Megan's blog- Sexy And Everyone Knows It. He glanced at the newest entry.
"So, yeah, nothing new has really happened to me. I broke the record for biggest orgy AND the record for biggest slut AGAIN.
Oh yeah, and I've been kidnapped by Lord Voldemort. Oh, sorry, Never Going To Be Even Close To How Evil Evil Man Was.
So, yeah, I'm being held in the middle of the Sahara Desert. You can't miss it. OW! Stop hitting me! What do you mean I can't tell people where I am! Screw you! I'm going to post this right now!"
Adam rolled his eyes. Of course. She had been captured, and he had to rescue her. Wow, that was clichéd…
Well, then again, he WAS evil, so he wasn't exactly a knight in shining armor… more like a naked demon covered in flames.
Well, that was a pleasing image…
Adam shook the images of demon porn out of his head. He needed to rescue Megan from Voldemort! Wow, he never thought he'd say that…
He got up and walked out, determined. Then he realized that he was somewhere that WASN'T the Sahara Desert, or anywhere near. He ran back in and bought a plane ticket with his money.
How did he get so much money? Uh, he's a SUPER VILLAIN.
He begged for it. Duh.
HE'S GOING ON A PLANE! OH MY GOD! WHY AM I MAKING THAT SOUND LIKE IT'S IMPORTANT? I DON'T KNOW EITHER! OH GREAT, I'M GOING CRAZY. WAIT A MINUTE, I'M ALREADY CRAZY! OH, THANK GOD.
Adam stood in the line to security. As one person went through the metal detector and ran off screaming as it went off, Adam stepped up.
The security officer looked at him, confused. "Um… where are your parents?"
Adam rolled his eyes. "They're not here."
"…did you kill your parents?"
"WHAT? NO! I would never do that!" Adam protested.
"Oh, cool. It's just that there are a LOT of kids who come here after they kill their parents." the security officer explained. "Like, two hundred every hour."
"Okay, first of all, that's not even physically possible." Adam said. "Secondly, can you just give me the security check thing and let me leave?"
The security officer sighed. "Um, sorry, but first we have to have a pat down."
Adam rolled his eyes. "Fine. Just get it over with."
The security guard nodded and started to pat his stomach. Soon, he started to go lower. As he reached Adam's penis, he started to grope it.
"Wha- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Adam yelled in disbelief.
"Don't worry." the security officer purred seductively. "Just let me do my thing."
"Okay, first of all, we are SURROUNDED by little kids, and you want to have sex with me?" Adam asked, shocked. "And secondly, that only works in REALLY bad gay porno!"
The security officer rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Just let me look at it."
"Wha- NO!" Adam yelled, slapping the security officer's hand away. He walked through the metal detectors only to have them go off.
"Um, please take out all metal items on you and put them on in the tray." another security guard said. She had come in place of the other security officer, who had been pulled away to be fired.
Adam shrugged. "Okay." He pulled out three handguns, four rifles, twenty three portable atomic bombs, five hundred AK-47's, and three million grenades.
The new security guard inspected the weapons. "Well, they don't seem harmful…" she muttered. "Let me check to see if this gun could kill someone." She turned around and shot an innocent women.
"Yep, totally harmless." she said, handing the gun back to him. "You can now proceed to your plane."
Adam grinned and walked over to his plane. Little did he know, the hardest part of his journey lay still ahead of him…
"What? I totally know that! I'm trying to rescue a girl I like from an evil super villain! Of course it's going to be harder!"
SHUT UP! BE A BUDDY, NOT A BULLY!
Sexier Than Sexy Man was walking along a desert. He noticed something lying on the ground and smiled. He pulled out a phone and called Eviler Than Evil Man.
He picked up on the first ring. "Is she dead?" he asked simply.
"Well… the thing is…" Sexier Than Sexy Man hesitated.
"Someone already killed her."