Blade of Happiness
I stood watching it happen; air wasn't reaching my lungs as I watched my best friend shove his tongue down my boy friend's throat. I couldn't breathe, my heart was being shattered as Damien pushed Carl away, but the damage was done. Tears blurred the scene.
I gasped pain flaring in my chest as air reached my lungs. Their eyes found me as Damien paused in cussing Carl off. I was panting trying to breathe as I turned from them trying to run away.
I felt a warm hand grab mine and a sob was ripped from me. I was turned to face the endless, concerned blue eyes of Damien.
"Breathe, Elitz." He said softly trying to calm me.
Looking into his eyes I still saw the love shinning in them and it broke me even more. His eyes were so sincere and filled with so much concern but all I saw when I looked at him was Carl on his lips. The ones I had claimed mine so long ago. Looking at Damien broke my heart all over again. I struggled to get away from Damien feeling trapped.
"Let me go." I said in between sobs. Anger raced through me at Carl for ruining my perfect love life. "Let me fucking go!" I was screaming now angry with Carl but yelling at Damien. "I fucking hate you! I hope you die you heartless, cheating, gay, bitch!"
Damien iron like grip loosened as my words hit him hard. I yanked myself away from him before turning and running. Not letting him see the tears running down my face. I had hurt myself worst then I had hurt him.
My life has become a whirlwind of nothingness
But it's better then feeling
I'm choking on nothing
Trying to cry
Because I know you don't care
Trying not to care either
I feel cold
As my world falls apart
And all I can do is watch it burn
Wishing I could burn with it
My skin itches
My skin aches for what I do not know
I just wish I'd feel
So I can fade to anger or sadness
Just to stop my heart from aching
Even though feeling, loving always ends with pain
Pain that grips your heart
So tight it feels like its breaking
Because it's breaking
Shattering on the ground
Broken pieces of a heart that use to keep you alive
And it leaves you breathless
But begging for more
It leaves me empty
Begging for nothingness
Nothingness chokes me
But I love the feel
My heart is shattered
I wish it'd stop beating
So I could stop feeling
Cause love hurts way too much
Love is the slowest form of suicide
I wrote word after word, though after thought, poem after poem, but I felt no better. I tired to erase it from my mind. But it was stuck on a loop repeating over and over again. The anger boiled my blood and the heart breaking sadness tired to over power it as tears streamed down my face again. Wiping them away furiously, I tried to stop thinking about Damien and my supposed best friend kissing.
Carl had just come out of the closet about being gay. I was being the best friend I was and had been extra supportive about his endeavours, with other men. I even turned a blind eye when he flirted with my boy friend, hit on my boy friend, touched my boy friend in front of me.
Carl's parents weren't happy about his new found person and Damien was the only person beside me who was really okay with it. They became friends, even though Damien was very reluctant.
I was fiddling with my switchblade twirling it around my fingers. Flicking it open I watched the light dance seductively off it. I felt everything fade from my mind as I slowly drew the blade over my index finger; merely scratching the skin. I pushed a little too hard and broke the skin, making blood bead at the tip of my finger
A sudden calm sweep over me and I felt everything with Carl and Damien fall to the back of my mind. All that mattered was the pain that ran through my body and the drop of blood on my finger.
A knock on the door made me jump, "You okay, Elitz?" Theodor's –my brother deep voice sounded through the door. I pulled a tissue from the box near me. Wiping the blood away I was surprised to see Theo walk in.
I turned from my desk that faced the window to look at him. "Yeah Theo, I'll be fine."
"So you going to tell me what happened?" Theo asked throwing himself on my bed which sat near my door. I still sat in my wheelie chair watching him get comfortable.
"Carl kissed Damien." I said bluntly.
Theo sat up in anger like I knew he would, "That fucking fag!"
Standing I sat beside Theo on the bed, "Don't worry about it. I am over it; Carl was never a true friend." I said even as tears raced down my face. Theo noticed and pulled me into a hug. I let him hold me brushing my dark hair that was so different from the rest of the blondes in the family.
"Don't worry sis' it'll get better." I nodded pulling away from him. He wiped the tears from my face as someone cleared their throats. Looking up we found mom standing at the door.
"Theodor, it's time for you to do your homework." My mom whispered softly to Theo. Theo nodded kissing my forehead as he left the room. Mom shot me a dirty look as she placed her hand on his back leading him to him to his room, with her best motherly face in place.
My mom was sick mentally and physically. She was a cougar but the worst part was that she… My phone rang Damien's ringtone filled the room. My attention shifted away from my mom and my brother as I turned to look at my cute, pink flip phone. Lying right beside it was my switchblade.
Acting almost completely on instinct I picked up the blade and drew it across my wrist. I had heard about it, read about it and told myself I would never. Wasn't I just a dirty lair?
Pain flared in my wrist and all the anger I felt drained from my body deep in my blood. A stream of it ran down my arm and I watched it for a minute before Damien's ringtone flooded the room again. I pulled out more tissues wiping the blood away, pressing it to the cut.
I felt better, in a forgiving mood. I could face the world now, the hate and anger could wait, until I needed my blade.
Eyes on me
And I'm on top of the world
The sun is shining
And I love those eyes watching me
Happy is something in past
Now I'm in love
And that love is shinning in those eyes
He is gorgeous
Even when he is not
But I love him
He is mine
And I am his
And no one will break our love
My grandfather has just died. I've taken to locking myself in my room. Papa was the one of the only people who real understood me and loved me for it. I had spent most of my life feeling like an outcast in my own body, but Papa made it all better. He and Na were my idols.
I loved him with my whole heart and I just couldn't take it that he was gone. I had turned to my new form of self help. I had piled stuff in front of my door making sure no one could get in. I had an anger fit and tore things apart; God was a bitch taking him away from me and Na. I sat under my window drawing my switchblade across my skin repeatedly. I was bleeding a bit. But it was never enough for me.
Dad had been working late for the last couple of months, but now that he was home. He and mom just spent it yelling at each other. No one but Theo really noticed that I was locked in my room. My phone was off lying shattered across my room. I barely noticed the pain thinking about seeing Papa again, wondering if he'd be happy to see me.
Distantly I heard someone knock on the front door. I dug the blade deeper not caring if I nicked a vein, half hoping I would. Dark spots invaded my vision as my door shifted. I didn't notice I was crying or that people were yelling my names. I noticed only one thing.
Papa stood in front of me glowing with a sad, disappointed look on his face. He shook his head sadly as everything faded to black.
I don't like when my words rhyme
They follow a stupid beat
That's always out of time
My words move too fast
And I sound kinds off
As the clock ticks past
Sounds echo in my head
Driving me crazy
Pushing me to the edge
Let's try a different start
Roses are blue
Violets are red
I hate you
I wish you were dead
Just for you, dear Elitz
I had to stay in the hospital for two weeks before they sent me to the psycho ward. After being there for a week I was let out for not trying to kill myself again. Damien had been the one of the first to visit me. He explained how Theo was worried so he came over to check on me. But now I had to see a psychologist twice a week. I told her what she wanted to hear and she'd nodded like she cared.
My family barely cared thinking I did it for attention, but paid for the sessions to look like good parents. The yelling continued in the house growing louder, always bringing everyone else into it. Everyone was so busy with their lives I passed under the radar, but Theo was keeping a close eye on me, checking my wrist for cuts every day.
I was sitting in the bath tub, having skipped dinner again because of all the yelling. I had my blade in my hand running it across the fat flesh of skin on my thighs. Pushing the blade deeper I tried not to care about the fights; knowing they were my entire fault.
I hissed in pain as I let my leg slide under the soapy water. The guilt washed away from me and I leaned in the tub thinking about Carl and Damien. Carl never talked to me anymore but he (and everyone else) knew about my episode. Carl would send me looks of pity which I ignored. Damien had been avoiding Carl since the kiss. He was being a caring boy friend and his eyes told me that he knew what I was going through, that he knew I was still cutting.
Damien had lost most of his family in a house fire. He lived with his deadbeat dad. Damien and his dad never got a long, Damien had been five at the time of the fire; it was caused by him. I knew Damien and his dad disagreed on everything, but one thing they agreed on was that it was Damien's fault that his little brother, older sister and mother were gone.
I had seen the cuts on Damien's arms they had faded but they still meant the same thing. I knew I had put him under a lot of stress and it hurt me to see Damien under stress. I knew we wouldn't last much longer. Theo and I were the closest thing he had to family, but even family's break apart.
My heart is breaking
My heart is bleeding
My emotions crash around inside
I can't breathe
The world is spinning fast
And I'm dizzy
Tearing myself apart
Tearing my world apart
I'm filled with sudden anger
With sudden pain
My chest hurts
I'm screaming from unknown pain
A feeling I'm use to
Way too use to
I need all these emotions to stop
And my heart is spinning out of control
I'm driving myself crazy
Driving my family apart
I wish it'd all end
That it'd all stop
So close to being far away
So close to the end
And it all stops
I bleed myself dry
My heart was breaking, but I made it happen. I had wanted to feel it again, just not knowing that Damien was breaking too. I had just felt so empty; I needed to feel- no matter how much I hated it.
I had felt the heart beat under my fingers and I knew I was desired (the closest I'd come to love). The warm body over me was pulsing with lust and I wished it was Damien's (I said as much out loud). The tongue in my mouth was too skilled and too impatience from me to image Damien.
But then he was there. Carl was pulled away from me and met with an angry Damien. I pulled up my face of in differ, I pretended not to care. But I still felt it as Damien's face fell. I felt my heart break along with his. I felt my breath catch as the tears built in his eyes. As he shook his head walking away from me, leaving me alone with Carl, breaking me again.
Why do I try?
Why do I bother?
I hate this world
I hate these lies that spill from my lips
"I am okay, I'm fine"
"My hearts not breaking with every breathe I take"
I try to push you away
But you come back like a lost dog
I try to make me hate you
But your eyes see me
The way no one else could
They see my beauty
Even at my worst
I love you
But I am killing you
I know you love me
Your eyes scream it over and over again
Beating it out for me
Breaking my unfixable heart
Why do you bother?
Why do you try?
I'm sitting in my room. I've torn it apart once and for all. This is the last time I shall sit here again. My bed is pushed in front of my door, along with my desk and dresser. It was the last straw, breaking my back, pushing me off the edge.
Theo had been looking off lately and I was being the best sister I could and asked him what was wrong. He exploded; he pushed me away from him, telling me to mind my own business, he started to cuss at me, started to hit me. But what made it worst was the last words he spoke to me.
"I fucking hate you." He had whispered it his voice dark and deadly.
Tears flooded my eyes as my last friend and ally in this cruel world, died right before my eyes. Shock spread across his face and he tried to take it back, but what was done was done.
I pushed away from him and ran to my room. He was still banging on the door, begging for me to listen. My music was pounding loudly drowning him out, my favourite song placed on repeat. The goodbye letters were tacked neatly to the wall and I wish it could have been different. I wish I was normal, wising this wasn't my end.
I ran the blade across my wrist more for the feel than for the pain. Words echoed in my head, words that Damien whispered to me.
"Across is for help; down for goodbye."
Holding the blade steady in my hand I breathed only thinking about how Damien would cope, hoping he wouldn't follow me to heaven. I drew the blade down my arm, digging it deep past my skin. Blood rushed from it immediately giving me a head rush. Switching hands I tried to steady the blade as I drew another less then perfect line.
Blood spilled around me as I leaned down on the bed. Tears ran down my face from the physical, emotional, and mental pain. I thought of Damien as my last breath drew near. I'd miss him so much. I sobbed quietly as I saw Papa beckoning to me. Damien's smile faded from my face, my heart breaking again. Then I felt nothing.
This will hit you hard, I know. You won't be able to breathe at first you might not even want to, it'll hurt too much.
I love you. I love your endless blue eyes; that know my soul inside out. I love your boyish grin, with your soft pink lips and straight white teeth. I love when you kiss me, filling me with joy, desire and beauty. I love how when I stared at you (even now) love jumped into your eyes and filled me with passion.
I knew I was going down. I was drowning within myself and I knew you would die trying to save me. This wasn't done for you, this was for me. Move on Damien, I'll be watching to make sure you do. I know you'll hurt but cope with the pain, don't reach for the blade. It's not the blade of happiness.
My heart may have stopped beating but don't you dare forget that it would beat the same three words just for you. Stay strong Damien. Live long. Hold my heart, I may want it back some day, but it's all yours.
Love you My Knight in shining armour
I stood in the door way, holding the letter loosely. My chest was gripped in indescribable pain as I watched them cover her up and take her away. Her mom and dad were crying even though I knew they didn't care. Theo was sitting in the blood, tears running down his face.
The whole Jackson family were like models all but Elitz she was imperfect yet perfect in every way. Her iPod was still playing loudly our song. The song that was playing the first time we met. Cry Little Sister by Gerard McMann, she told me how it was in her favourite movie that she always watched with her grandfather.
I barely noticed tears streaming down my face when I saw the light hit off the switch blade that was lying on the blood stained bed. I moved towards the bed picking it carefully. I noticed a piece of a paper folded on the bed. I picked it up as well.
Walking from the room I let Elitz voice fill my ears as I read her words. Not paying attention to anything else.
I want it all to end
I no longer wish to be here
I no longer wish to breathe
I wish everything in my crappy life would end
I wish I wasn't crying now
I wish I wasn't sad
I wish I had your happy life
But I'd rather be dead
I'm going to get my wish
I'll make it happen
But before I'm gone
It's time to say goodbye
Love you lots
You probably hate me now
But I made it my time to go
We were never close
But that's the way it goes
Beat you to the punch
Goodbye aunts and uncles
You guys just never would have known
With all your lies and hate
Your twisted ways and rules
Goodbye to everyone who hated me
Don't you dare fucking cry at my funeral
Don't you even fucking go
Cause you ruined my life
Made these cuts on my arms
Made me take my life
But my last words to the world is
I looked up noticing I was near my house. I could already hear my drunken dad yelling at me. He probably heard about Elitz, he'd blame me for that too. I stuffed my hands into my pocket feeling something cool on my skin. I pulled my hand out to see Elitz switchblade weighting down my hand.
A though flashed through my mind, more of a rhyme. One I had told Elitz one I had seen used in her writing. I smirked at the thought thinking about what Elitz had written in my letter; blade of happiness.
I think I'll draw a picture, a picture with a twist. I think I'll use a razor blade, I think I'll use my wrist.