I want you to know how this feels. How it feels to love someone from far away. To have that same person that you harbor such emotions for look to you as, yes, close, but no, not how you want it. An older sister… I could die happy knowing that this is how you feel. The fact that you think of me when I'm not there is an amazing thing and gives me a euphoria that is positively able to make me soar. But I want so much more than that. An older sister would never look at you the way I do. She would never want your heart to be as close as what I long for. She wouldn't regret saying 'go get her' because what she really wanted to say was 'but what about me?'; and then at the same time think 'I'm so happy for you!' with a happy laugh and a sigh, because at least you're happy. She wouldn't want her to die, but treasure her for the happiness she brings you. She wouldn't hug you the same way, or get that feeling from those hugs; that warm, never-let-me-go feeling that brings peace and Home with it. But that doesn't really matter, does it? I will never have that with you. I know that. But I want you to try standing, walking, running in my shoes, for one week. Just a lowly week; not too much time, most certainly not too little. Then maybe you'll appreciate the struggles that I go through every waking moment. I won't say 'you're in my every thought' because that isn't true. But it's very close to being so. You aren't the only one on my mind, but you take up a large portion of the threshold. And I can think negative thoughts about you, despite what romance novelists would have you believe. I want you to die and then I want to hold you in my arms and then I want you to fuck off and leave me alone, and then I want you to just talk to me, even if it's about nothing. I hate you and I know I love you, and then I want nothing and everything to do with you. Of course I'm jealous of her. How couldn't I be? I'm a teenager, with a teenager's mindset; I'm jealous as all hell. But I'll never let that show. She's perfect for you, you for her, and never for me. That fact is obvious to anyone with even a quarter of a brain. I have the same kind of thing going with her as with you, though not on the same level. I love her to death as a good friend would and should, but sometimes I wish she would disappear. I always feel bad for thinking like that, but still. I don't stop the thoughts when they start. I let them keep going in the back of my head until I can't help but turn to other things; I never even feel guilty about it. Bad, sure, but that's a different emotion, isn't it? People say they know what I'm going through, and that they know how I feel; I'm sure they do and I'm just being a stubborn teen, but they don't. They can't. They have no idea how much I love you. They don't know what kind of pain rips through me when I see you two. They don't know the empty feeling I get when you pass by and don't notice me, even though I'm trying to stay unnoticed and know that I bring it upon myself. They don't know what it feels like to cry themselves to sleep over the you and me that never was and never would have been. They don't sob and weep and cry and tear themselves into shreds over the thought of you. They don't cry when they sing those songs. They have no idea whatsoever what I'm going through. And I know they do. I know. But that's not how it feels. "You'll be fine." Bullshit words coming from those that do not feel my pain. I know I will be, but I can't believe it right now; there's a difference between knowing and believing, after all. So, I'm fooling myself into saying that I'm going to email this to you or tell you about this, or talk to you or her or someone about the pain aspect of it but I know that I never will. I've burdened you enough. I hate having you feel bad over 'breaking my heart.' It makes me feel horrible, which is stupid, I know, and is close to causing a centrifuge of misery, but I can't really help that fact. It just happens that way. I don't really know what I want anymore, either. I want you to stay with her; you're the happiest I've seen you. I would never break into that. I don't want to destroy it while you have it, because time will more likely than not do it later. If not, many preemptive congratulations, but I don't see it happening. Not out of my own cruelty, just out of some form of rationale that I still posses after you stole my sanity from me. I don't think I could be in a relationship with you now, though. I would feel like you were pitying me—not that you, kind, sweet soul that you are, would ever do that. I just would. Or it would be weird, and I would worry about too many things. I would end up destroying not only the relationship, but the friendship we have, and myself. I would kill myself, proverbially, in the process. For you, I want to live. For now, at least. That may even change tonight while I curse and damn and maim the thoughts of you I have, but for now, I want to live. So all I have to say, for now—just for now—is I Love You.