Bob the Investigator and the House of Cards

At the office of Bob the Investigator…

Ryan walks in.

Ryan: Hey Bob. How's it going?

Bob: Good. Are you ready for our burnt toast battle?

Ryan: Actually I need to ask you something. My cousin, Steve, opened up a hotel. For reasons I don't know, he's calling it the House of Cards.

Bob: So what do you want me to advertise it?

Ryan: No. The last time you advertised something, you let the cat out of the bag. Literally. You opened up the bag you were advertising and the black cat got out and went around town causing bad luck. I want you to stay there so he'll make some money.

Bob: Alright. How do I get there?

Ryan: You steal a car and drive there.

At the House of Cards…

Bob walks up to the counter.

Bob: Excuse me, but are you Steve?

Steve: Yes I am.

Bob: Well, I'm Bob the Investigator.

Steve: Ah. Ryan told me you'd be coming. Well, I've got a room already set up for you. Your room is B123.

Bob: Thanks.

Bob walks up to his room.

Bob: Say. This room isn't that bad.

Bob begins to unpack his bags. All that's in it is a book about whales and a mallet.

Bob: Just in case someone tries to rob me, I throw the book at them.

Bob then dials room service.

Bob: Hello. Room service? I'd like to know what number I have to dial to contact you.

Room service: What are you talking about? You're talking to us right now.

Bob: Oh. Well in that case, send up some cheese, will you?

A bellboy walks up to Bob's room 2 minutes later.

Bob: Here's your cheese, sir.

Bob: Thank you. Also, that's a lovely bell-shaped hat you're wearing.

Bob's phone rings.

Bob: Hello...Really? That many?... That's amazing.

Bob hangs up.

Bellboy: Who was that?

Bob: Wrong number. He was telling me how many wrong numbers he's contacted today.

Bellboy: Well, anyway, are you going to be at the banquet tonight?

Bob: They're giving away free money?! That's amazing!

Bellboy: Not bank, stupid. Banquet. It's a dinner party.

Bob: Oh. I don't know. Maybe.

Bellboy: Well, I'll be going then. Some of your neighbors may drop by later.

The bellboy leaves. About an hour later, someone knocks on Bob's door.

Bob: Come in.

A vampire walks in.

Bob: Who are you?

Vampire: I am Wackula. I came to give you this gift basket.

Bob: Thanks. You can put it by the window.

Wackula puts the basket by the window.

Wackula: It's full of food that's good for the blood. I mean good for your health.

Bob: Um…thanks.

Wackula: Sleep well tonight. You're going to need good blood. I mean good sleep.

Wackula leaves. Bob immediately throws the basket out the window. He hears another knock at the door.

Bob: Come in.

A man dressed in a rat costume comes in.

Bob: Who are you?

Man: I am Rat Man. I am a superhero who fights notorious criminals like the clown. The woodpecker. Dog Girl. I fight crime along with my sidekick, the hawk.

An actual hawk comes in.

Rat Man: Ahh!

Rat Man jumps out the window, with the hawk following him.

Bob: Some superhero.

There's another knock at the door.

Bob: Come in…I guess.

A monster and a scientist walk in.

Monster: Good day, sir. I am Dr. Stein Frank. This is my creation. He is a robot that looks a lot like a scientist.

Scientist: Rargh!

Stein: All he needs is a human brain. What size head do you have?

Bob: How should I know?

Stein: Eh. It doesn't matter anyway. I'll take any brain.

Bob: No, please. If you take my brain it'll make your robot even dumber.

Stein: Maybe. That doesn't matter, though.

Bob runs out of the room, down the stairs. Stein Frank and his robot chase him through the banquet. Then they stop.

Bob: How about we eat dinner first, and then continue the chase later?

Stein: OK.

Bob, Stein, and the robot eat dinner and talk about whether a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable and which teams are going to the Super Bowl this year. Thirty minutes later, they continue with the chase. They chase Bob out the building toward a cliff.

Stein: You're trapped now.

They charge toward him. Bob steps to the side and Stein Frank and his robot fall off the cliff…inside a mattress truck, which takes them away.

Back at the House of Cards…

Steve is sitting on the couch. Bob walks in.

Bob: That's it. I'm leaving.

Steve: Why?

Bob: My neighbors are crazy. This place is messed up.

Steve: Now look. I'll tell you what. Go up to the guy behind the counter and he'll give you a free steak. Will that make you stay?

Bob: Well…OK.

Bob walks up to the counter.

Bob: Excuse me, but can I have a free steak?

Ed the Bill Guy: Sure. That'll be $600 for the free steak, $550 for talking to me…

Bob: No!11

Bob runs off.

The End